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Published Book or Work by:

Tanya Shekhovtsova

Winter allusions

Winter allusions
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November 2010
Somehow I liked to sit near the fire and pretend that I am not feeling cold. After having had a fever for a few days, during the whole weekend, I suffered great exhausture and got no proper nutrition during these days, which suffocated my health deeply and long. I was wondering in bed about all time I will spend by reading books, following Internet news and trying to figure out the intensiveness of my horrible either eating disorder or flu. I did not wish to have any complications at all, just to make sure I am all up and ready for the start of my work in the same place and with the same people. It looked like I was troubled by seeing people asking me questions of my health and worrying much about me, so that it just contributed to my abnormal state of mind and soul. I continued to keep myself strong and healthy. Taking occasional pills made me cheer up and forget about the incessant stomach ache occurring deeply inside me which had never happened before. This winter time which „has not come”, but still required further explanation, made a complete mess for me these days. I just stayed calm and honestly bore the great load of the sickness of mine which suppressed my feelings even through reading. Thus I was looking for new challenges to distract myself and occupy myself with admiring nature or looking for deer and horses through my window which I kept close to avoid my feeling unprotected for the rest of the day. I felt helpless and I did not need much of attention being paid to me every day when I was as relaxed as if I had been working much and non-stop earlier. Previous working experience just added up to my overall moody spirit and feelings of love and affection I desired to be felt by me on the spot. That is not a simple task to make a person love you even more after many days of estrangement and keeping aloof. My friend\'s behavior is the proof of this withdrawal from reality, a person, life which you want to see before your eyes in real. Though not forgetting a yet enchanting coldness of the day I continued to be wrapped up in the warm blankets of healing sleep and the pillow which had been kept connected closely to me for the lasting unbearable days of careless undisturbed disorder of mind and body. The emotions of gratitude being paid to many remedies I got were appreciated by me afterwards. A yet amazing quality of water or tea made an incomparable contrast to my disillusionment and nourished my sober mood for as long as I wanted to be happy with beating the pain of powerful consequences of the illness. Whatever I wished in my mind was almost achieved gradually and slowly, as though I was waiting for some power of provision from within. The hope was for me then like a ray of light on a sombre day, yet darkened by the gloomy reflections on the nature of my health disorder and sufferings I should pay for it. What counted more for me then was the counting of hours and the amount of times the natural food should be taken for granted and hence granted a response from my organism filled with strength and firmness of all active functional cells. I kept it slow...the slow motion of recovering cleared up in just a few days like the blue sky changing its colorless abyss into a clear happy depth of space. It is nevertheless hope and desire to become and grow a better person, take on a new skin and life, like the tree recovering from winter cold sleep and starting to burst with a new revitalized life on pushing through its first green buds in the sun. The plant should grow, it should be admired and fed with natural ambiance of favorable substances from outside. The hope should also be a reason for growing better, spiritually and healthily enough, thus reviving your new strength and giving you force to live a better life filled with joy and new ambitions to pursue a dream of a better vision. Winter allusions can never be the same.
Contemporary , Experimental , Feminist , Literary , New Age , Short Story , Suspense , Women's , Young Adult
 
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