Here's my first attempt at funny paper writing. It was published, albeit as a letter in "Your Say," Mid-day of Jan 23rd, Page 24.

Notification: New Ministry

It is now proposed to establish a Ministry for Cremation and Dead-body Welfare. The Ministry shall be duly entrusted to give the dead what the living were promised: Development and economic reform. In fact, it is suggested that such a Ministry is expected to multiply our GDP and forex reserves in the ensuing fiscal years.

The Ministerial candidate shall be selected by a Cabinet Committee for this purpose. This body will in turn organise a contest for the most ghastly, spear-wielding, ragged and yammering spectacle. Such a spectacle, reminiscent of the 'half-naked fakeer' will be a true icon in reply to the West's repeated colonisation attempts, by its sheer repulsive force. And surrounded by security guards, travelling in closed air-conditioned vehicles, smiling, making pleasant inaugural speeches at every re-developed cremation site and cutting ribbons, this appointment will drastically reduce the all-India instances of nausea and sickness, that TV viewers in 55 countries get, from watching them rant and yell from rooftops and roadsides. This will improve health all round. Health care funds so saved will free us from exploitation by the WHO and from sell-out to the UN and WB.

A Special Advisor of the rank of Minister shall be appointed; to guide, assist, counsel and accompany the Minister at all times and in all situations. Preference will be given to Rashtriya Sevaks, in view of their proven capabilities. Barring this, this Ministry shall be structured and staffed like all its counterparts. This is essential as the likely candidate could otherwise suffer from discrimination against illiterates.

Although all our cremation grounds have a garden and a shrine, these need to be developed to international standards, for which an Expert committee will be appointed, headed by a Joint Secretary of this Ministry. In special focus shall be eco-tourists, who will see this uniquely Hindu environment-friendly process at work and be provided special facilities for still/motion photography and audio/video recording. That will give us lot of praise for the progressive Hindu concept and earn us forex revenues. An aggressive beautification program on war footing shall be initiated. All State PWDs and CPWD are expected to ensure its success through appointment of special contractors, funds for whom will be sanctioned by this Ministry. In turn, the recession prevailing in the market is expected to depart.

All CCWs, i.e. Commercial Cremation Workers will be provided with special Identity Cards, while a structure for their part-subsidised remuneration is expected to be announced by the Ministry. Production of the CCW Identity Card at all Government Hospitals, Airlines, Railways, ST Depots, various Urban Development Authority offices and State Tourism Development Corpn. establishments will entitle CCWs to priority reservations/allotments. Free electricity and water connections will be considered soon.

The Cabinet has mooted and the proposed Ministry is soon expected to release Fast Track Clearance Guidelines for development of special complexes to service bonafide PIO Card holders. These will comprise of the usual facilities upgraded to 5-star and including air conditioned residential accommodation, restaurants, health club, swimming pool, pub, duty-free shopping complex, etc. All payments here will be only accepted in FFC, preferably USD, SFR, Pounds Sterling, DM without question.

Every Airport, railway station and bus depot will provide signage and links to the nearest cremation site. The ministry will subsidise any hotels built near such sites and approve a remuneration grade for licensed guides, who will be further given incentives to bring visitors to such sites. International airports all over the world will broadly display posters of these sites, while the DAVP will be sanctioned unlimited funds to meet the wide publicity mission of this ministry. All this will give a boost to the rail, tourism, civil aviation sectors.

All are requested to co-operate.

Please give full publicity to the above.