Shadoew Rose Terrell
Visalia, California, United States
Home page: www.koochiethebook.com
Shadoew Rose is a freelance writer who enjoys educating spouses in controversial
marital issues. She is an inspirational poet, and blogger. She maintains a
Facebook page to network with her friends and readers. Shadoew is the author of,
“From The Father's Heart” (Tate Publishing 2009). Her latest project, “WHY DID
YOU GIVE UP THE KOOCHIE, AND NOW YOU MAD” enlightens men and women
in God's idea of woman, wife, and marriage. She and her husband are Associate
Pastors in central California. They coach challenged marital relations for more than
a decade. This is Shadoew’s second book.
Several years ago, my sister and I were eating breakfast at my Mom’s home in
Northern California. We began a casual conversation about women, and why we act
the way, we sometimes do. What started the conversation was a mutual friend’s
predicament with an ex-girlfriend. He decided to sever their involvement, but agreed
to the mutual care of their child. Angered by his decision to dissolve their intimate
relations, she emptied his fully furnished home. However, after court proceedings,
he recovered most of his belongings.
We laughed as we elaborated on our own madness experienced in our lives.
Although we expressed amusement, we realized madness was not a comical
matter. Especially after reflecting on the women, we knew, and the madness they
endured through heartache. Some heartbreak appeared self-inflicted, while other
hearts broke in pieces through deception.
His circumstances provoked us to engage in a deeper assessment of the various
difficulties us as women allow. As well as the madness associated with decisions
consequent to our choices. Choices, we make, and find ourselves in unhealthy
affairs, which damage both heart and soul. Yet, despite truth, we struggle to
remove self from the madness we discover. Madness not necessarily defined as
anger. Rather madness defined as a condition of brokenness, and sadness of soul.
Madness based on decisions made against our own well-being, and choosing to
remain in the chaos.
Why do we as women decide not to change our predicament when we hold the
power to do so? Why do we repeatedly reach for a glimmer to suggest, “Everything
will be wonderful?” Why do we commit to what we know is not best? Why do we
work against self?
I have discovered many of us hope for the embrace of a loving relation. We
surrender our heart, body, and soul as a down payment to secure our want. We
hope with expectancy, as we look forward to our investment. We cleave to
optimism, and hope in self-possessed love, to draw what we believe it promises-the
return of something fulfilling and satisfying. We allow the influence of our heart to
believe; because we love, exchange must occur. Therefore, we hold to an idea
while we ignore the knock on our conscience, which begs to disagree. We neglect
the tap on the mind and prefer to chase what the heart yearns. Often to our grief,
we surrender both body and soul, and find ourselves in a state of madness.
Women want to create a pleasant atmosphere when she extends and yields
herself to love. She will diligently work to create a harmonious environment. Even if
she knows, the man does not share her sentiments. If she allows her heart to
yearn and deny the differences she notices, time will tick, and the truth will reveal
itself to agree with what she suppressed.
In conclusion, she will find her passions drained and her mind exhausted. Weighed
with sadness as she realizes what she longed for, did not happen. What she
invested is useless. Her time, energy, and passion she expelled wasted; however,
the lesson learned priceless. What she spent must count as a loss. Despite it all,
she must recover her love; apply it to self, to heal the pain.
As our conversation continued, questions developed as why women think they are
in need of the opposite sex. Scripture teaches God created the woman for the man.
God after creating man identified his need and fashioned woman as his assistant.
God did not create the man as woman's help. He fashioned woman as a contributor
to further man in his effort and purpose in life. God created woman as man’s
complement. Many women do not understand the importance of her role. Therefore,
many run after a misconception, instead of pacing alongside God’s truth.
Scripture teaches a man finds a ‘good thing.’ He is the aggressor who seeks. He
ought to be searching for… Today women are on the prowl to chase and snag what
they can. Women compromise God’s order, as they exchange the truth for want.
Young and old both declare, ‘I am not waiting on a man to discover me. I will go find
one.’ Does this have a familiar sound? If you did not say it, or think it, perhaps you
heard it from some of your friends. Such a disposition will lead to major
If a woman believes she can transform the heart of any man she has chosen; she
deceives her own heart. Her pursuit to catch him is unnatural. She places herself in
a position to calculate how she will win him, and keep calculating to keep her prize.
She must continue to calculate because she can never feel secure and safe in his
heart, knowing she lured and snagged him. If he sought and wooed her, she knows
he chased her heart only to capture his.
How many regret to testify though she chose her mate; she could not compel his
heart to fall into hers. It matters not about her job title; gifts, koochie; or the
children she intentionally produced to win him over. Though through her heartache,
she learns, after all she did, she could not turn him. The grievous disappointment
gnaws at the soul. Here madness begins, when truth collides with lies told to one’s
own heart, and the lie becomes exposed.
This is another element of madness; men who harass the heart of women without
any intent to surrender his for her capture. A crippling game played at the cost of a
woman's heart. He plays at the expense of utterly distressing her soul. A man who
feeds a woman’s heart with illusions of hope is dishonest. He fuels false emotions
aimed to incite her soul to want what he knows he will never fill. Toying with a
person’s soul is cruel, and the worst form of deception. A game played for sheer
self-gratification, which emotionally devastates another.
Women have emotional deep and intellectual conscience. However, often, too
often, women disconnect from God's given intellect to follow their emotions.
Emotions are not always accurate, and need weighting against intelligence. How
often have we neglected intellect for feelings, and found ourselves compromised?
God gave women brilliant minds; even so, when it comes to men; emotions control
A woman’s greatest difficulty is her self-esteem. Often she does not recognize her
significance, nor is she aware of her qualities. Women face this all the time. They
look for a male figure to confirm and approve their relevance, instead of seeing
themselves for whom they are. Why do women believe they need approval, when
God Himself approved and created their significance and importance?
Depending on every woman’s faith in herself, it will decide her confidence, and self-
esteem. If she discovers who she is, and confident in her findings, she is more
secure in her decision-making process. Then again, I have seen assured women
make unfavorable choices about men; especially, when the volume of their heart
deafens the voice of reason in their mind.
If her self-esteem is low, and she struggles with confidence, she may accept what
she should never embrace, as well as refuse what she believes she does not
deserve. Women must know and believe in the significant value God placed in
them, and embrace the reality that God sanctioned her worth.
When a man recognizes, he found a ‘good thing,’ he will pour everything into her
God determined in his heart. What God commanded him to yield will satisfy what
she yearns. Her reception of his heart will be to her delight. God commanded the
husband to love his wife in a particular way, and gave him specific teaching on how
to carry out those directives. If he gives as God taught, he will not only satisfy, but
also quench what she thirsts. God placed in man a passionate love for the woman,
he finds to wife.
Is The Question Still Relevant?
Although we spoke about this issue many years ago, the subject, "Why did you
give up the koochie and now you mad,” remains a relevant discussion for
conversation today. As I look from my youth, until now, women still surrender
everything. I have seen family members, friends, friend’s families, and co-workers,
give all to their own hurt at times. How do women lessen the madness and stop
self-inflicting? “We as women must come into a true knowledge of God’s idea of
A woman should know Scripture’s declaration about her. It is essential she
understand God’s mind toward her, and the treatment God ordained for her life. God
created within women a fervent want for love. He also gave man the details on how
to satisfy her want. He declares to man; love her as Christ loves His body-the
Church. Christ woos with passion, romance, and intimacy, so ought man. God’s
marital plan describes His cherished desire for romance, and His expression
exercised in relations between man and woman.
What began as a question later became the basis to develop a read for men and
women to grasp God’s mind. We need to understand and examine God’s thoughts
for and toward women, as well as men in marriage. Women can learn and discover
her incredible and remarkable assets, abilities, and the honor credited to her by
This work begins with forgiveness, and weaves through conversations with women.
It boldly touches indulgences in pornography and a woman’s Godly gift of influence.
Some chapters are strong and direct. I believe they are necessary because they
exist. Therefore, these issues are open for discussion.
It is my hope some of us who claim Christianity will consider Scriptural truth and
align self-with the truth we discover. Thus, God’s children may manage their
conduct as intended. Perhaps, others who read might consider God’s way.
This book is going to motivate you to take a fresh look at Scriptural ideas
referencing marriage. If open-minded to truth, it will provoke and challenge you to
consider your mind-set and conduct towards your spouse. Overall, when, you
finish, I hope women, and men will have a different perspective for themselves and
their complements. I am sure that some language will frustrate you, as well as
anger you; however, is it the truth, or a lie. Search the Scriptures as did I, and you
Fasten your seat belts; this work will take you through mountains and valleys. Do
not be faint at heart. It is serious content. Content that happens in the lives of
women and men every day. This is a small platform to open these concerns for
conversation. However, they are necessary. I am sure these issues will be of
concern to you, or your acquaintances. Keep in mind this work is for growth:
maturity; instruction; inspiration, and purposed to free you in the Word of God.
Delayed With Cause
For several years, I set this book aside as I sought the counsel of God to
understand His idea of the marital union between husband and wife. Since my
husband and I had become marriage coaches, I needed to understand God’s mind
as a woman and wife as well. Not based on what I thought, but what God said.
I noted information as God opened my mind to understand His ideas about holy
matrimony. Besides the previously mentioned, what mostly sparked my interest
were the arguments, I heard surrounding marriage vows. I heard opinions and
witnessed attitudes, which provoked me to chase Scriptural truths. I watched men,
treat their wives in church, as well as in the world, in humiliating fashions. I often
wondered why the likeness; especially when men graced with Scriptural truth
mimicked those who did not claim to hold God in their conscience.
I watched women, in my company, and some at a short distance fail to respond to
disrespect and disregard. Interesting, their mouth did not move, nor make a sound.
However, their facial expressions spoke volumes over what their mouth never said. I
witnessed their displeasure and pain, as the splendor of their beauty faded.
I began questioning God, not in the sense of demanding answers, but asking, “Who
are we? What do we, Your daughters mean to You?” ‘Tell me.”’ I remember
standing at my kitchen sink and saying, “God, You have to tell me who we are.
Who are the daughters of God, what do you think about us? What do we mean to
You? Do we mean anything? How can you create us so intricately, give us plenty
of wisdom, strength, tenacity and create us brilliant and when we marry, we
become what-nothing? God, as a wife; do we dwindle and become void? Who are
we to you? Tell me? You said, ‘You would lead me into all truth. Therefore, You are
the responsible-guide me.”’
I sought and purposed to understand God's counsel toward His daughters as a
woman, wife and how to respond in marriage. I already understood the brilliant and
extraordinary she creatures He created, after all; He made us in His image. I knew
our abilities as women; but as a wife-who is she?
God always answers prayer when you recognize Him, and I can safely say, “God
began to lead my spirit in and through His Word.” I gathered everything I could find
and begin my journey to learn God’s idea of this; 'good thing’ called a wife.
I must admit; this wife identity confounded me. As hard as I tried, I could not
understand the word “submit." Because of it, I watched men treat their wives
disrespectfully and unimportant, as if she had no voice. I have been in settings with
couples, where husbands had expressed their wife’s stupidity, in her presence. I
have experienced men discount their wives in the presence of others, and make
them appear invalid. I have watched women shut down and shut up. I asked God,
“Is that You?” I could not grasp how God could create and love His daughters; yet
grant an allowance for men to treat them as they chose. This behavior was
contradictory to Scripture, and I could not gather a reason for its tolerance.
It was on a Sunday pew that I heard the word “submit." “What does it mean?” It
lacked definition. Something appeared missing, like a piece to a puzzle. As I
watched relations from my youth, it seemed a word used to control a man’s wife
and keep her in line. It sounded degrading and robbed a woman of her life. It
appeared belittling. As I matured, I found its definition unappealing. It sounded like
it stripped a wife’s rights as a woman and human being.
I watched the behaviors of both men and women. I noticed the wife’s expectation
differed. Humility and graced, coupled with attending to her husband’s every need
was the norm. She was a woman of discipline. The husband's behavior, on the
other hand, lacked such qualities. If he displayed, appalling behavior, his behavior
became excusable, or charged to his manhood. It did not appear men were
accountable for their bad behavior and abuse. Since I had witnessed much, I
needed to understand God’s declaration for me.
What Does It Mean To Submit?
As I began to dissect Ephesians 5:22, ‘wives submit yourselves to your own
husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head
of the church.' I began to unravel the word “submit.” I found as I studied, this
particular verse, the word “submit yourselves” was not in the original manuscripts.
“This word was added by the translators for better readability in the English. There
is no actual word in the Greek text. The word may be displayed in italics, or in
parentheses or other brackets, to indicate that it is not in the original text" (Blue
We understand the insertion is for better readability. However, the exact definition
in this particular verse is a military term used for commanding officers over
subordinates. We recognize a military commanding officer is responsible for
dictating movement over those under authority. The officer commands subordinates
to go wherever they order them. They move about according to what they dictate. In
a nonmilitary use, it defines a voluntary attitude of cooperating.
“This word was a Greek military term meaning ‘to arrange [troop divisions] in a
military fashion under the command of a leader." In nonmilitary use, it was “a
voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a
burden” (Blue Letter Bible).
The words in verses 21 and 24 in Ephesians “submitting yourselves’ and ‘is subject’
have like meaning. In verse 21, "submit" references, Christ Church, and describe
proper relations between believers. Scripture teaches Christ’s community of
believers interacts with love, affection and adoration for each other; preferring the
other above self, with a sweet response. The relation within the church's community
establishes itself on love.
These associations are not indicative of dictatorial relations. No one presumes
control over another; instead, Christ’s body responds preferring one over the other
in love. Scripture explains a love relation and reverence for Christ. We should
esteem one another above self, and yield ourselves in a manner reflected of love.
How do we yield? We agree in love, and resist divisiveness. Husband and wives
ought to respond in like fashion toward each other.
God has fixed an order for everyone in life. I want the reader to understand the
context of the word as it applies to the relations of God’s people. This same
understanding applies to relations between husband, and wife. The relation is one
of honor and respect predicated on love, not dictatorship, or military command. It is
a voluntary surrender, to an orderly arrangement created by God.
With that said, let me be clear. A wife’s agreement with her own husband’s
leadership is not void. There is a reason Scripture teaches a wife to agree with her
own husband. It infers her attachment to him and the intimacy between them. She
ought not yield, or comply with another man’s lead. She is to surrender to her own
husband’s alone. No one can tell another man’s wife what to do. He does not have
the responsibility, neither the authority, nor the God-given right to guide the affairs
of another man’s ‘good thing.’
A wife ought to comply with her husband’s leadership not dictatorship. I say not
dictatorship because God never directed a husband to force his wife’s compliance.
If he is trying to compel compliance, he must step back and take a close look at
himself. God created a woman to yield to the tangible expression of love. If his wife
does not have the will to yield, he should inventory himself to find, ‘what he lacks in
his demonstration of love.'
A husband, who wants to represent himself as the leader in his home, guides by
the love he illustrates. In contrast, a husband driven by his egocentric ideologies,
may indeed love his family, but is often insensitive by his inflated superiority. When
a husband's leadership can govern by unconditional love, his household will build
into a loving and thriving society within his home. If he leads by his ego, he is
usually coarse and indifferent, as his ideologies prescribe his rigid guidance.
Without expressed love, the society within his home is typically in turmoil and
struggling in dysfunctional relations.
How does Christ lead us? He leads by aiming us toward every good in life. He
openly expressed His love for us on the world’s stage, and His expression of love
continues to penetrate our hearts today. He taught with love and kindness, so we
turn to Him to surrender our love, because of the impact his love has made on us.
He is our life coach, always leading us into what is favorable. A husband’s
disposition ought to be so toward his wife.
Military ideas do not express loving relations between husband and wife. The
husband is a leader, not commanding officer. How does a husband effectively lead?
He leads by love. The marital union breathes and lives through the rule of love. Love
is gentle, and love is kind. The husband displays such passion first, and the wife
yields to the love expressed. As J. Vernon McGee so eloquently states, “Woman
is the responder, and man is the aggressor: the man is to say, “I love you,” and he
is the one who does the proposing. She is the one to say, “Yes.” No woman is
asked to say, “I love you” to a man until he says, “I love you.” When a man says he
has a cold wife, it is because she has a cold husband. He is not being the husband
he should be. It is not her business to be the aggressor. Her role is the sweet
submission of love.”
Christ said, ‘If you love Me, you will obey my commandments. You will follow where
I lead, and hear my Words.” Christ’s affection for the church is a personal and
intimate, as should the affections between husband and wife. A wife responds to
the love her husband displays, and what she hears broadcast through his words.
Walking In Unity
The wife occupies a position of equality with her husband. They are equal in the
eyes of God. The husband is not superior to his wife, or the wife inferior to her
husband. Their roles are equally important as well as different. God arranged their
positions; He chose one to lead, and one to agree with leadership. God appointed
the husband with the responsibility to lead his family, and chose not to charge the
wife with such concerns. God appointed her the responsibility to agree with his
We ought not misunderstand, and think a woman is inept. A woman can lead. We
have evidence, of her competence within various professions in our society.
However, regarding leadership in the home, God did not charge this duty to her. He
chose the husband to handle and fulfill the responsibility.
Let us understand; the husband does not solely determine his leadership alone.
His wife acts as his consultant. Her wisdom is his asset. In his decision-making,
she helps frame the utmost result. It is thoughtless, and negligent to dismiss
conferring with her mind on any subject matter. God fashioned woman to be the
help of man. In the relation of husband and wife, she is his closest confidant,
earnest supporter, and his greatest ally.
God positioned the husband as the head of the community within his family. Within
this supernatural union, Scripture says, ‘the wife is as the husband’s own body.'
(Ephesians 5:28) God blends the husband and wife into one human being, to
become one flesh. (Ephesians 5:31) God unites the husband to his wife as the
head, and joins the wife to her husband as his physical body. Both head and body
move in unity to ambulate compatibly.
The head and body must agree. If not, they will pull apart. Head and body must
move in unity, harmony, and agreement to advance. Otherwise, it tears itself
asunder. What is non-adaptive to work in the order created will eventually break
apart. This is essential to your understanding.
The head assumes the greatest responsibilities. Headship must consider the
needs of its body, and develop means to supply, and aid those needs. It considers
the safety and ponders methods to guard the body against threats and dangers.
The husband is the visionary of his home, looking beyond his present into his
future. He seeks God for himself, and on his family's behalf.
The weight of responsibility laid on the head carries a great burden on the husband.
This is one reason Scripture teaches the head to love his body. The husband’s
responsibility to cover, protect, and provide can be a consuming challenge. It is
important he demonstrates his leadership from a position of love, and not his
frustration. Without love acting as the barometer, the head can fill with excessive
thoughts of provision, and snuff the heart’s compassion to fulfill his commitment
with love and kindness.
With the body clothed: fed, protected, kept, and cared for. It finds itself nurtured:
nourished, covered, defended, and safe. These enrichments nourish health and
sustain the body’s life. Scripture teaches the body, or wife, to respect and honor
her head, which provides its nourishment. If the wife does not remind herself of the
respect and honor, her husband deserves, she can become demanding, spoiled
and unappreciative; loaded with false expectations; and blinded by what she
receives, instead of recognizing what he deserves.
For a cohesive union, head ought to yield to its body, and the body ought to yield
to its head. Yielding is agreement between head and body to move together. It is a
sweet romantic union, smothered in love, intense intimacy, and deep devotion with
the utmost of mutual respect.
Understanding God's Word
God’s Word opened my understanding. He enabled me to capture small nuggets of
the husband’s responsibility as the loving leader, and the wife’s responsibility as a
willing responder. I began to sense God’s way. “I realized His idea needed a raised
consciousness in both husband and wife. If each chose God’s idea, both would find
His thoughts lovely, downright good, sweet, and yummy. His teaching is beautiful.”
Well, you need to read the rest of the book and find what I learned. His way, is one
full of desire and delight. I promise you God’s way is so much sweeter. Its
indulgence is an ambition to aim for when understood.
Men and husbands, it will enlighten you about God’s expectation of you and the
responsibility He has placed on your shoulders. It will help you understand what
God means when He said, “Love your wife.” A challenge perhaps, but one God
equipped you to handle.
Agapao is the Hebrew word for love. Agapao means: take delight in the object
loved; welcome; entertain; be content at, or with a thing; and to prize above all
other. It means the heart’s unwillingness to throw or cast away. It also means, be
fond of, love dearly and well pleased. A husband should desire her good, and
thoughtfully consider her well-being. Show compassion towards her, and hold the
utmost respect for her, and display it.
God fortified man with everything he needs to become the husband He created. He
made him capable to display love and affection toward his wife. “It is beautiful when
men understand how they are to love their complement the way God intended.”
God designed women to want love, and He created man to want honor and respect.
Both yearn to satisfy the taste God placed in them.
Women and wives, I hope you will learn how great and magnificently formed you
are by God. You are the window that birth's life into this world. You are an
incredible wonder. I hope this will help you grasp who you are, and why God
adorned you with wonderful qualities. I am confident you will understand God’s will
for your care. I hope you realize what God considers and wants for you.
I hope what you read enlightens your mind. I hope you close this book with a better
understanding of the meaning, 'submit.' I hope that this work will strengthen, and
encourage your heart. I hope you understand, why at times; you react the way you
I hope the family, and the children of God look at God’s idea for His sons and
daughters. At least consider what He teaches. I hope we agree to the order of God
and give Him the glory in holy matrimony. When husband and wife align to God’s
guidance, each can equally receive what the act of submission awards. A wife
overtaken by love, and a husband honored with appreciation and respect. It is a
romantic dance, which is sweet, spiritual, humanly sensual, and sanctioned by
"Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, © Copyright The
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New King James Version “Scripture taken from the New King James Version."
Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Holman Christian Standard Bible ® Copyright © 2003, 2002, 2000, 1999 by Holman
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"Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE," © Copyright The
Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 Used
Blue Letter Bible. "Dictionary and Word Search for hypotassō (Strong's 5293)."
Blue Letter Bible. 1996-2011. 19 Sep 2011. < http://
THE LIVING BIBLE Copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House
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NOVUM TESTAMENTUM GRAECE, NESTLE-ALAND 27 TH EDITION
© 1898 and 1993 by
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BIBLESOFT'S NEW EXHAUSTIVE STRONG'S NUMBERS AND CONCORDANCE
EXPANDED GREEK-HEBREW DICTIONARY.
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Interests: Marriage Relations; Men; Women; Relationships
Published writer: Yes