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  1. #1
    A J

    Query- Second Try

    Thanks for all the useful suggestions on my last query. I have revised and interested in feedback on this one. Please let me know what you think. Many thanks. AJ

    Dear Agent

    Recovering junkie Gloria Stewart has withdrawn from society. Living in the South Bronx in the early seventies, she’s condemned herself to her bottle and the nightmares of her past. Then she meets Peter Crespin, lead singer for British rock band, The Dandys. Handsome, charming, and rich, he’s the man every woman wants, and Gloria is no exception. Gloria finds herself suddenly surrounded by the acceptance she’s always longed for, but as Peter rises to superstardom, the dream unravels as loneliness, drug addiction, and physical abuse send her spiraling out of control. My manuscript, BABY BLUE, has 119,000 words, and falls under the genre of women’s fiction.

    (personal and educational background) I have enclosed a synopsis and the first pages of manuscript for your review. If you would like a copy of the entire manuscript, I can be reached at ... I look forward to hearing from you.

  2. #2
    Billy B

    Re: Query- Second Try

    You've done a wonderful job with brevity. Get a bit more concise by not telling someone how to contact you (create letterhead instead). "Falls under the genre of" could all be excised if you'd wrote "my women's fiction novel, BB, has 119..."

    I wonder if you can come up with a bit of why someone wants to read the story, a hook.

    Also, a few things raised my eyebrows:

    No man is the man that every woman wants. Cliches like this can be a tad offensive.

    A "recovering" junkie condemned to the bottle? Is that what you really meant?

    Spiraling out of control is a scoach tired, I think.

    Good work, hang in there.

  3. #3
    Kris Williams

    Re: Query- Second Try

    Hey, AJ -

    I think it's a great query - you've been very relevant and to the point, and it sounds like a really interesting story. I do agree that you probably can't call your character an ex-junkie if she's still an alcoholic. Maybe make sure that you mention specifically that she's traded drugs for booze.

    Good job!


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