Query Help!

[Katie M]

Hello everybody! I'm writing a fantasy trilogy for young adults (as some of you already know, due to my past posts) and I have come up with two different query letters, and I am wondering, which, in your opinion, is the best? Also could you give me some tips on them??? Okay, here's the first query:

Dear (Editors Name),

“Distant echo’s are seen to rise,
Together with long forgotten cries,
The pain that we once had lost,
Will come again, with much a cost.
Blood that will seep,
From shadows deep,
Nobody can stop what is to come,
Nobody can stop a rising sun,
Darkness will come, it will flood,
For there is no stopping it, there will be blood.”

These are the first words in the first book of the fantasy trilogy for young adults I am writing.

The reason I have queried you is I have recently finished writing the first book of the trilogy: The
Three Worlds Book 1: Chi, My Earth. There are approx.
60 000 words, in the first book.

When Sarah (one of the main characters) is plunged into a different world she finds herself
caught up in an adventure she didn’t ask for. Doram, the Prince of the world (Chi) is framed for
murdering his parents by the Darkness Princess who is determined to take over all three worlds
(Shadow Star, Chi, and Earth). He finds out that he’s the only one that can kill her, for he is the
Light Prince, the only one with the power to destroy her. Sarah is starting to discover her own
mysteries, such as the locket that transported her to Chi. The locket has some sort of power that
can only work when a drop of her blood slips into it.

If you are interested please contact me for more information at the address at the top of the
letter.


Thank you for your time,
Katie


And now for the second query...

Dear {editors name},

“Distant echo’s are seen to rise,
Together with long forgotten crys,
The pain that we once had lost,
Will come again, with much a cost.
Blood that will seep,
From shadows deep,
Nobody can stop what is to come,
Nobody can stop a rising sun,
Darkness will come, it will flood,
For there is no stopping it, there will be blood.”

These are the first words in the first book of the fantasy trilogy I am writing for young adults
called, “The Three World’s Trilogy”. I have just finished writing the first book called, “Chi, My
Earth”. I haven’t got it professionally edited yet and this is my first novel.

My story has an original concept about a Darkness Princess and Light Prince. The Darkness
Princess and Light Prince’s powers were passed to two people, the only one that can stop the
Darkness Princess is the Light Prince. I have three original views on the three worlds that the
trilogy is set in (Book 1: Chi, Book 2: Shadow Star, Book 3: Shadow Star and sometimes Earth).
Chi, has chosen to stay behind in technological advance all except for Medical Care, leaving it
back in the medieval ages. Shadow Star has chosen to advance, so it’s in a futuristic atmosphere
and then there’s Earth. The year is 2002 in every world. There are approximately 60 000 words
in the first book.

Although my story uses the idea of fantasy worlds it is different in many ways, making it
interesting and exciting. If you are interested contact me for more information. I have included a
outline and one sample chapter in this envelope.

Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,

Katie





Okay so that's it, can you give me your opinions and tips! Thanks!

[Kaz]

Hi Tina

Here is my advice. I would drop the poetry at the beginning. Agents are pressed for time. They aren’t going to bother with poetry. Your query should be short and to the point, about 2 to 3 precise paragraphs. You’re sending up red flags when you say: I have just finished writing the first book called, “Chi, My Earth”. I haven’t got it professionally edited yet and this is my first novel.

Get it edited before sending it out! Just get to the point about what the first book is about. Don’t go into titles and details of the other two proposed books except to say you’ve got them mapped out. This is information that can be discussed after you’ve gained representation.

Say why you think the book will appeal to young readers and include several similar successful titles. You can go to bookstores and do a little research to find comparable titles. This is a good idea also because it will give the agent possible markets for your book if he/she decides to represent you. If you have done any public speaking or work with children, mention these as possible factors that could help with the marketing of the book should it be published.

In the last paragraph mention that you’ve enclosed an SASE. Offer to send a partial or full manuscript upon request.

For your “grabber” first paragraph, I like the one that begins with: When Sarah, etc., and ends with: The locket has some sort of power that can only work when a drop of her blood slips into it.

[Catherine McCallum]

I agree with Kaz. I would leave out the poetry. I also would not use the phrase 'has a concept of.' For one thing, it's grammatically awkward. For another, it's a boring way of describing a book. Much better to launch into a brief statement of the problem the main characters will face in your story.

Be sure to mention that the book is complete and give the word count and the genre you think it belongs to. Send them an SASE and thank them for their time, and you've got it licked.

Cathy

[Mary G.]

Remember KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid). No offense, but both examples were kind of lackluster queries that publishers & agents would instantly say, "a-ha! a novice" to. You don't want them to think that.

For my YA novel Secrets of the Maiden, I mentioned that I had studied the superstitions and history of piracy for several years prior to writing Maiden. I mentioned Anne Bonny & Mary Read, the two female pirates who were the inspiration for my protagonist in the book. Let them know that you know your topic, as well as your audience.

Also, I've recently read in marketing books that if you mention any participation you might have in writing groups, it is helpful. It shows that you have a dedication to the craft (according to the authors).

By the way, "Darkness Princess" & "Light Prince" sound awkward.

[Katie M]

Thanks everybody, your advice has been VERY helpful! I'm working on my query letter at this very moment. Thank you again for your advice.