Need critiques for query letter ... please

[Chuck Shaw]

BC
I believe you break continuity with the location of second sentence.

I suggest you try structuring a two sentence hook (love the aristocratic society of werewolves line).

Break and give the exposition sentence required (title, genre and word count).

Break again and synopsis

Break again and contact information.

If the result is greater than one page, crank up your chainsaw and go after the synopsis. It is, IMHO, the least important part of the query.

I believe the exposition is least intrusive to the flow of the letter when put on the bottom, below the synopsis, but that opinion is not widely held.

I recommend you cruise Ms. Snark's excellent if brutal comments on query letters and the less than stellar scribblers who write most of them. Why repeat tired old mistakes when you can invent new and wonderful ones?

CS

[Sam English]

I know this will surely point up my immaturity, but the name "Farhat" reads as "Fart" in my brain. Seeing that it's YA, could be okay depending on context. Juat something to consider...

[Brandon Cleveland]

Guys -

thanks for the advice. I'm about to repost my trimmed query.