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  1. #1
    CD Coffelt
    Guest

    "...dear friends, once more..."

    and the end of the quote from Shakespeare's play, is: "Or close the wall up with our English dead"...hmmmm...

    *******
    query:

    RAPIER is urban fantasy, 98,000 words, about a Dragon confused by his feelings for a human and a woman battling ancient forces.

    Leeís discovery of a preternatural rapier lands her into a confrontation with immortal creatures known as Dragons; their only mission is to destroy the new Master of the Rapier. Unfortunately, that isnít her only problem. She must also cope with the snarky, smart-ass rapier whose main complaint is she wonít listen to it. And she needs to finish her last year of college.

    Ruen is the Dragon sent to kill the new Master of the Rapier. Finding the Master is a woman was his first surprise. The day she knocked him on his ass was the second.

    And the Rapier is infuriated with both of them.



  2. #2
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: "...dear friends, once more..."

    CD,

    I don't read urban fantasy, but I think your premise is interesting. I especially like the smart-mouth rapier.

    Your Q can be smoother. It almost works for this reader, but it strikes me as a bit disjointed.

    You switch back and forth between present and past tense. Keep it in present.

    Here's a quick cut at possible revisions. This is meant only to trigger your own ideas. You know the story. I don't.

    RAPIER is a 98,000-word urban fantasy about a young woman battling ancient forces, and a Dragon assassin confused by his feelings for her.

    Lee (last name) discovery of a preternatural rapier lands her in a showdown with immortal creatures known as Dragons. (I don't like the use of Dragon, but thazz just me. Dragons are seventy-five cents a car load. Half that on Wednesdays.) Their sole mission is to destroy the new master (I'm not sure why you capitalized master. It bumped this reader. Others may disagree.) of the Rapier. That's bad enough, but Lee must also cope with the smart-ass rapier whose main whine is she won't listen to it. And she needs to finish her last year of college.

    Ruen is the Dragon sent to kill Lee. (You used "new Master of the Rapier twice.) Discovering Lee is a woman is his first shock. The day she knocks him on his ass is his second.

    The Rapier is thoroughly aggravated at both of them. (I'm winging it with the next sentence, but I think it's worth adding a bit more about the rapier.) While Lee and Ruen makes eyes at each other, he/she wants to get down to business. Slice someone from stem to stern.

    Hope this is useful.

    Free to ignore.

    Cur Oh, last thought. I wonder if the rapier needs a name/nickname.

  3. #3
    CD Coffelt
    Guest

    Re: "...dear friends, once more..."

    Thanks...I appreciate the feedback.

    After staring at the same words for eons, it helps to have a different viewpoint.

  4. #4
    Lea Zalas
    Guest

    Re: "...dear friends, once more..."

    I still like the premise of your story. I only have one question. Why is killing the master of the rapier the dragons 'only' mission?

    Okay, two questions. What happens to the dragons once the master is killed?

  5. #5
    CD Coffelt
    Guest

    Re: "...dear friends, once more..."

    hmmm....I am not sure if that is a rhetorical question you are asking, Lea Zalas, or if you really, REALLy want to know.

    My initial response is, if I can find an agent to represent me and a publisher to put my novel between two book covers, and it actually gets to Amazon, Borders, etc, (and heck, since i am dreaming, the New York Times bestseller list, ha), you will find your questions answered there.

    For now:
    #1: Because it is. That is their only goal.
    #2: Nothing, they are immortal, they go back to blending with the population of humans

    Now, Why? Why is it their only mission?? Long story....covered in the book and my active imagination. BWAHHAHHHAHA

  6. #6
    Lea Zalas
    Guest

    Re: "...dear friends, once more..."

    You're so cruel. Okay, I'll wait for the book.

  7. #7
    Robert Wilson
    Guest

    Re: "...dear friends, once more..."

    Its steadily improving.

    I'm wondering about the bond between the rapier and the master. Isn't this bond one of, or perhaps, the main element of the story? Maybe there should be a sentence about the bond. How did it occur? Why? What is its purpose?

    S. Cur has made several good points.

    RW

  8. #8
    CD Coffelt
    Guest

    Re: "...dear friends, once more..."

    I keep beating this query, roundhouse kicks, smack downs, etc. And as much as I would like to get more 'teasers' into the body of the letter, the bigger it gets.

    And that makes it unwieldy at best, clumsy at worst.

    *sigh* yeah, i wish I could add the bonding aspect and also the smooching, the fierce combat between her and another Dragon, and the time she nearly kills Ruen, uh, twice she kills him actually.

    But I can't get it to fit without looking crumby.

    Last time: The following is the version I have sent to several agents. So far, no rejects. No takers either. Re: the last paragraph, one agents requested a bio, of which I have nothing interesting to include. I added that last line for that particular agent:


    RAPIER is urban fantasy, 98,000 words, about a Dragon confused by his feelings for a human and a woman battling ancient forces.

    Leeís discovery of the preternatural rapier lands her in a confrontation with immortal creatures known as Dragons. Their only mission: destroy the new Master of the Rapier.

    Death, however, is not her only problem. She must learn to cope with the snarky smart-ass rapier always griping when she wonít listen. And dodging immortal beasts has put her way behind in her college classes.

    The Dragon, Ruen, is surprised to discover the new Master is a woman. His second shock comes when she knocks him on his ass.

    The Rapier is infuriated with both of them, especially when interest kindles between its new Master and the Dragon, its deadly enemy.

    Thank you for your time. As an unpublished author, my passion is for urban fantasy, my obsession to create a novel that makes the reader lie awake at night wondering how it will end.

  9. #9
    Cindy Kay
    Guest

    Re: "...dear friends, once more..."

    CD,

    You've got all these really short graphs here, which gives it a quippy feel. Almot like every graph is your hook graph. That's fine, even works for you in some graphs, but I'd vary it a bit more with one longer graph, which could give you some to introduce the rapier as sentient being more narratively (if that's word).

    Also would beef up "interest kindles." Interest is pretty lame for a romance between a Dragon and his deadly enemy.

    When it come to an agent who has requested a bio, I'd tell him or her what your day job is, your degree, where you're from. A couple basics like that at least. Not in every query, but just for agents who directly ask you for one.

    Just me, but I think I like the query you started this thread with. I'd use that as a base and just tweak as suggested in other posts, liberally stealing from S. Cur as you go.

  10. #10
    Robert Wilson
    Guest

    Re: "...dear friends, once more..."

    CD

    I know what you mean. You are probably sick and tired of the query.

    Remember, its unlikely you will be able to incorporate ALL suggestions into the query.

    There comes a time when you have to decide it is done.

    Best of luck.

    RW

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