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Thread: Another try

  1. #1
    Shannon Eckrich
    Guest

    Another try

    Okay, here's my new Query letter. Please let me know if I am getting better yet. Thanks in advance.



    Dear Agent,
    What would you do if you were being pursued by something so evil, it made the depths of hell appear like a luxury resort? Elizabeth Mason, the heroine in my 83,000 word young adult fantasy, Eternal Sunrise, jumps off a cliff towards the raging river below.
    Why? Because she is praying a portal to the world of Asterion will open before her body has a chance to hit the water. As the daughter and only heir to the Universe, Elizabeth has remained hidden cycled through life for centuries -- in order to protect her from the Darkness. In her current life, she is subjected to harsh humiliation caused by her timid personality and lack of will to fight. Until she meets William, who she finds out, is not only her love from a past life, but also a powerful immortal from another world. As he tries to protect her from the complications in her world, he realizes something more threatening lurks on the horizon. Vadazaar, who is consumed by the Darkness, is hunting her, and he will stop at nothing to destroy her very existence.

    Just weeks before Elizabeth's eighteenth birthday, a power opens up inside of her, allowing her to mentally move objects when her emotions spiral out of control. The only problem is, it presents itself as harmful to anyone in its path including her friends. Scared she is becoming a monster, she turns to William, who is her only chance at understanding the changes that are occurring inside of her. He returns to his World in search of an explanation to her amazing gift, leaving her unprotected, just what Vadazaar has been waiting for. With a power she can't control, her protector gone, and the Darkness fully aware of her weaknesses, will Elizabeth be able to overpower Vadazaar, or will this be the end of her and the entire Universe?

    If you are interested in the conclusion of Eternal Sunrise, the full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Best Wishes,



  2. #2
    Kitty Foyle
    Guest

    Re: Another try

    I stopped reading after your first sentence only because I have other things to do right now.

    "What would you do if you were being pursued by something so evil, it made the depths of hell appear like a luxury resort?"

    But I'm wondering how many people have actually seen "the depths of hell" so as to be able to make a comparison?

    *_*

  3. #3
    Cindy Kay
    Guest

    Re: Another try

    Shannon,

    Sorry, doesn't seem better from my POV. Plot seems hackney and the writing is disasterous.

    Perhaps if you went through every sentence and trimmed the waste, you would be better able to figure out how to tell the plot in a compelling way. You've got useless phrases, and deadwood verbs all over the place.

    Look at this sentence: Because she is praying a portal to the world of Asterion will open before her body has a chance to hit the water.

    All you need is: Because she is praying a portal to the world of Asterion will open before she hits the water. Many of your sentences need this treatment.

    Then go through and try to change as many verbs as you can into active verbs.

    Do not use any questions in the entire query; they're not doing a thing for you.

    Come up with one great sentence that describes the book.

    When all that is done, draft another query.

  4. #4
    Shannon Eckrich
    Guest

    Re: Another try

    Thanks Cindy, that's the last time I pay someone to edit my Query again. The line you said to change it to was what it originally was. The girl who edited it and is in the middle of taking college English told me to change it. The question thing, I have seen so many put this in there queries; I did not realize this was a no, no. Thanks again for the input.

  5. #5
    Cindy Kay
    Guest

    Re: Another try

    Shannon, the question thing isn't a no-no. You're right, lots of folks do it. Rarely does it work and certainly not in your query. It's a personal pet peeve.

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