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Thread: Getting better?

  1. #1
    Sean Lynch
    Guest

    Getting better?

    Thanks for the advice Gary and everyone that had input for me (good or bad)


    Dear Agent:

    GIFT is a 100,000-word YA fantasy novel written as a result of time spent in Sitka, Alaska, and the Queen Charlotte Islands, researching myths and legends of the Haida Nation and story sharing with my seven children.

    Itís a story about a grieving girlís journey to find her familyís connection to the Haida Indians while adjusting to the death of her mother, and her ability to shift into a half-human, half-animal; bestowed to her by an ancient relic she discovers on a class trip to the Queen Charlotte Islands.

    With the help of an ancient Haida spirit residing in the relic, Remmy learns she is a descendent of the once-great protectors of the Haida people. The spirit tells Remmy about the legend of the chosen one, the power of the relic known as the gift and Poie, an evil warrior who possesses the kind of evil that allows him to turn Rammyís own mind against her. Remmy must master the power of the gift, and accept the destiny already written for her three hundred years earlier to stop Poie from gaining the gift and using its magic to wipe out the last of the Haida people, her family, and the rest of mankind.

    Thank you for your time.
    Sean M Lynch



  2. #2
    leslee
    Guest

    Re: Getting better?

    "Itís a story about . . ."

    Out. You don't say "It's a story," you just go into the details.

    And this:

    "A grieving girl's journey to find her familyís connection to the Haida Indians while adjusting to the death of her mother, and her ability to shift into a half-human, half-animal; bestowed to her by an ancient relic she discovers on a class trip to the Queen Charlotte Islands."

    is a run-on paragraph which gives no punch to the storyline.

    Why are you making this - "her ability to shift into a half-human, half-animal" - the second bit of information? It's clearly more compelling than anything else you've presented.

    Your opening is meant to grab the attention of an agent. Get to your best stuff first.

  3. #3
    Diane Snyder-Haug
    Guest

    Re: Getting better?

    Sean, Sean, Sean,

    Please, cease and desist! You must be banging your head against the wall and it hurts to watch you! Didn't you say that you sent some former query out and got some good responses? Go with that, it seemed to work. (Even if an agent asked for it and then rejected, at least they asked, and that's what a query is all about--getting in the door). It takes more than a few queries to get a hit... I understand wanting perfection on your query, but you keep reposting the same thing just said differently. Some of your older posts were better than this one (honestly). Good luck, and I do mean it, but you are going to drive yourself mad by trying to find "the perfect query" that every one on this board agrees with. It won't happen, guaranteed. Go with your heart. I think you know the one query that was right on, back a few posts. Take a break and regroup... Best to you.

  4. #4
    Sean Lynch
    Guest

    Re: Getting better?

    Thank you Diane, your right. I just wanted to improve it. I think its time to get back to work on my other books and let this go until I hear back from the agent that hasn't turn me away. They asked for the full manuscript after recieving a query followed by the first three chapters. I guess asking for the full is a good start. I will keep you posted.

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