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  1. #1
    Shannon Eckrich

    Ready for another bashing =)

    Okay here's another Query letter. Let's see how I do on the third try lol.

    Dear Agent,
    I would like you to represent my 83,000 word young adult fantasy, ETERNAL SUNRISE, which in tales how a shy, reclusive teenager discovers she holds a mystical power greater than she's ever imagined, but with it arises something Dark and Sinister intent on wiping her from existence.

    Elizabeth Mason has always hidden in the shadows wishing she could disappear from society every since her best friend Jeremy moved away three years ago anyway. With him gone she has had no one to protect her from Rebecca's bullying or Aaron's unwanted sexual advancements, until she literally falls into the arms of William Edwards arms one day courtesy of one of Rebecca's outlandish acts. After meeting William who is perfect in every way and not of this world she starts dreaming of a past life which eventually turns into a nightmare. Vadazaar, the Dark figure in her dreams suddenly appears to her one night, threatening to destroy her very existence. If that wasn't bad enough, as her Eighteenth Birthday draws near she notices an uncontrollable power trying to surface whenever her emotions spin out of control, harming anyone in its path making her feel as though she is a monster. William returns to his world Asterion to consult with its ruler Marcus, but instead of helping William he seals all the portals to keep Vadazaar out, thus; separating William and Elizabeth from each other.

    In his absence Jeremy returns and watches over the now distraught Elizabeth while unknowingly to either of them Vadazaar is planning his attack. Knowing Elizabeth's mortal weakness for love and passion he possesses Jeremy's body and sets out to destroy her. Realizing she is up against more than she can handle, her only hope is to locate an open portal allowing her to reunite with William. Together, they have to figure out a way to save Jeremy before Vadazaar not only destroys all of them, but the entire Universe as well.

    Thank you for your time and consideration. The completed manuscript is available at your request.
    Best Wishes,

  2. #2
    Sam English

    Re: Ready for another bashing =)

    For starters, "in tales" should be "entails". That one thing points out that your manuscript may be far from read to query about.

  3. #3
    Janice W-D

    Re: Ready for another bashing =)


    Read this aloud to catch your numerous typos and spelling and grammar mistakes. They kept me from absorbing whether or not you had a decent story summary.

    Good luck!

  4. #4
    Susan Molina

    Re: Ready for another bashing =)

    I only got past the first paragraph and then stopped reading. Just that much was so bad, I didn't bother reading further. The mistakes are numerous and it was simply too frustrating to continue reading. My first thought was if this is an example of the writing skill of the author, this writer needs for starters, a basic English writing class. Sorry...

  5. #5
    l m

    Re: Ready for another bashing =)

    So, you like your characters' names?

    Just for fun--in order:

    Elizabeth, Jeremy, Rebecca's, Aaron's, William Edwards, Rebecca's, William, Vadazaar, William, Asterion, Marcus, William, Vadazaar, William, Elizabeth, Jeremy, Elizabeth, Vadazaar, Elizabeth's, Jeremy's, William, Jeremy, Vadazaar.

    The query is a tangled clump of spaghetti, but there's probably a story in there--something about the destruction of the universe?

  6. #6
    Flora M

    Re: Ready for another bashing =)

    Shannon- I'm far from an expert on these matters, but try reading aloud to yourself (or better yet, someone else). You'll often catch a lot of mistakes that way. Good luck.

  7. #7
    Shannon Eckrich

    Re: Ready for another bashing =)

    Thank you everyone. I think I am just stressing myself out on this subject. I am thinking about it day and night which is causing me to become burnt out.

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