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Thread: One more try

  1. #1
    Donna Huffman
    Guest

    One more try

    Dear Mr. :
    If you think being a teenager was tough, try being Yadwen, a half-elf with troubling responsibilities. At fifteen, he's expected to fulfill an ancient prophecy, as well as wake the dragons from their slumber, retrieve powerful crystal pieces, and battle an unknown adversary who wants revenge. THE DAYLIGHT CRYSTAL is a 100,000-word YA novel.

    As Yadwen grew up his mother told him stories from the past about elves, dragons, magic, and how things were before the darkness came and took it all away. She spoke of the elves prophecy about a half-elf that would break the spell the darkness had on the land and return things to how they once were. Yadwen knew he was that boy and would one day have to leave his parents to follow his destiny.

    Yadwen learns he must find the three pieces of THE DAYLIGHT CRYSTAL, a crystal thought to have been abolished, in order to complete the prophecy. A crystal so powerful it destroyed many races that yearned for its power. Yadwen sets out to find the pieces, but he has much more to worry about than just the crystal's power. Stopping at nothing to make sure Yadwen fails, Mulgar, done wrong in the past by another, wants revenge and preventing Yadwen from succeeding is only his first step.
    Yadwen is not alone in his quests, Naidraug, the dragon he awakened, is by his side.

    Thank you for your time in considering my query.

    Sincerely,



  2. #2
    Cindy Kay
    Guest

    Re: One more try

    Donna,

    This query just feels so rote. Swap out names and places and it could be so many other fantasies. The only sense of voice I get is the first sentence and it's kind of flippant. Nothing here that makes me want to follow an author's mind into a stange world.

    Does your story have a distinct voice? If so, bring it forward in your query so we have something to propel us into what feels like a well-worn story. There's nothing new under the sun, plot-wise. Only the persepctive, the voice an author brings to it. I'm thinking you need to give us that voice or it's waste-basket fodder.

    Of course, I'm not a reader of fantasy, other than a few to my son, so down the above with a lick of salt.

  3. #3
    Flora M
    Guest

    Re: One more try

    Check your verbs- present tense "If you think being a teenager WAS tough..."

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