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Thread: Another Query

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  1. #1
    Shannon Eckrich
    Guest

    Another Query

    I previously posted one query letter last week in the unpublished authors forum. I have totally revised it and was hoping to get some opinions. I am really starting to get digruntled because I have been all over the internet and can't seem to grasp how to write a good query letter.

    Dear Agent,
    I am pleased to submit for your consideration my young adult fantasy, Eternal Sunrise. In this 83,000 - word tale of magic, mystery, and romance seventeen year old Elizabeth Mason thought surviving High School was formidable until she encountered the Darkness.

    Not only has she been reincarnated once, but she has lived twice before her present life for the sole reason of being protected from the Darkness. Why? Because she is actually the daughter of Marcella, the direct center of the Universe. Elizabeth's true destiny lies in keeping the balance between good and evil, which the darkness is trying to prevail. But, in order for it to succeed ,it has to destroy her before she finds out who she really is. William Edwards' is her love from a previous life, in that life he was transformed into a "Star Child" which is a being from the world Asterion. He has waited for centuries for her return. Now reunited, she starts to undergo changes that even he can't explain. Power's that have laid dormant inside her have begun to awaken, which sets off a series of events. This causes the darkness to locate her, so, as it proceeds, she finds herself running out of time to find the truth of what she really is. If she fails to overcome the darkness, not only will it be the end of Elizabeth's and William's existence, but the entire Universe as well.

    If you would like to consider Eternal Sunrise, I'd be happy to forward the complete manuscript at your request.
    Thank you for your time and consideration,

  2. #2
    Cindy Kay
    Guest

    Re: Another Query

    Shannon,

    Eeegads, please rethink everything. I can see you've put some effort in here and are trying. Please read the rest of this with the sound of my applause for your effort thrumming through your ears. Also that I've had too much wine and have been cramped up in my office writing for far too long.

    I'm not a fan of the genre you're aspiring to here, so take everything I say with a I-can't-understand-how-anyone-could-read-those-Twighlight-books lense. (And I tried.)

    Starting with High School. Why would you captitalize this? It makes no sense. Most of us has "survived" high school and didn't find it "formidable." Is your Elizabeth mentally challenged? Why would you need such strong words to describe as ordinary an experince as high school? Such verbage, without adequate explanation, makes readers distrust the writer from the staring line.

    This next bit about being reincarnated once but living twice -- no three times, because we've got her present life to account for -- serves only to make us question our math skills. If you're trying to say she's had an extra life tossed her way without reincarnation, I'm at a loss, as reincarnation simply means to make flesh alive again. If this is an crucial point in the manuscript, than make it without the head-scratching, author-is-confused construction.

    Then you've got Elizabeth slated to keep a balance between good and evil. Really? She doesn't want either one to prevail? She's all about keeping a balance -- kill a bunch of children one day, birth a bunch the next? Your heroine's big purpose is to keep good and evil boxing it out infinately? Why would her destiny need to be "true"? Was there some evidence to the contrary, or was "true" just a toss-away word that sounded good? Destiny is a strong word. It's true by definition as it carries with it the idea of God's wish. It doesn't need to be modified as "true." You've got Elizabeth reincarnated and mysteriously living more lives in order to be protected. How would her final, non-invigorated death fail to protect her from the Darkness? Don't you mean that her final death would fail to protect the rest of the world from Darkness? If not, why would we care if one girl falls?

    As you proceed you stop capitalizing darkness, which means it's not the Big Deal darkness mentioned earlier but a minor darkness, the kind that makes us stubb our toes when we trek to the kitchen for a second scoop.

    You've got no real character development with Elizabeth. What does she want? What does she fear? No matter how fanciful your book's world is, it's got to be rooted in universal fears and desires. I get none of that here. Your heroine simply seems off her rocker, locked in the attic with a bunch of teen hoochi-mamma literature, dreaming metaphysical Barbie fantasies.

    Once again, it's a genre I don't comprehend, and from which several authors have made a career. So grain of salt and all that, but please restore my faith by giving me something more than planet Asterion love and another fumbling teenager discovering her "true" destiny is, sigh, "balancing good and evil," which seems to be the status quo anyway. If you can communicate that your manuscript delivers more than that, well, it could be intersting. If you've got it, put in in the query. If not, go back and make it so.

    I know I've been mean. (Let's blame the wine and the long hours at the keyboard.) I hope I've helped. Doubt, but hope. Keep at it. A passion for writing is more important than talent perhaps. I suspect the fomer leads to the latter.

  3. #3
    Sam English
    Guest

    Re: Another Query

    Cindy, that was one of the best query critique I've seen here on WN. Thanks for that.
    Also, you weren't mean. You tossed an aspiring writer a wonderful and meaty bone to gnaw on.

  4. #4
    Cindy Kay
    Guest

    Re: Another Query

    Ah Sam, you've made me all tingly.

  5. #5
    Shannon Eckrich
    Guest

    Re: Another Query

    Cindy,
    No, really you didn't offend me at all; I need this. I just cannot grasp the Query letter for some reason. Thank you so much for responding to my post. I will repost again once I sit and think about what you said.

    Thank you,
    Shannon

  6. #6
    Susan Molina
    Guest

    Re: Another Query

    Again you can't seem to get past the first sentence without error! Come on!
    Susan

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