HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 6 of 6
  1. #1
    Sean Lynch
    Guest

    Yes, I get bashed but I can't learn without it.

    Dear, Agent

    "When seventeen-year-old Remmy's mother is killed, Remmy is forced to move in with her father who she hasn't seen for ten years. Lost in a deep state depression, she has to start over in a new school and with new friends.

    Remmy never imagined shifting into a half-human half beast was possible; however, thatís what happens when she discovers the ancient relic on a class trip to the Queen Charlotte Islands.

    Discovering the power of the relic isnít a pleasant experience for Remmy. She has to confront the horrifying reality of her first shift and learn to control the bloodthirsty side of the beast within her.

    With the help of five friends, Remmy must devise a plan to stop Poie, an evil warrior, and his army of plague wolves who has spent three hundred years searching for the ancient relic. Failure to stop Poie would mean the end of all human kind at the hands of the savage warrior.Ē

    When Poie shows up in her hometown, she realizes two things: the totem possessed a much greater power than she imagined and she needs to stop Poie, no matter the cost.

    GIFT is a 100,000-word Fantasy/Adventure manuscript for young adults, inspired by the creative minds of my six children.

    Thank you for your time. May I send you some, or all off the manuscript?
    Sincerely, Sean Lynch



  2. #2
    Sam English
    Guest

    Re: Yes, I get bashed but I can't learn without it

    Remmy wasn't forced to move in with Dad "when her mother was killed", but after her mother was killed. May sound like a technicality, but these are the things that are important.
    Again, why the quotation marks?
    "Discovering the power of the relic isnít a pleasant experience for Remmy." This is one of the blandest sentences ever.
    Are the wolves hunting for the relic or just Poie? It's not clear.
    Half-beast half human is not punctuated correctly.
    These things matter in the overall first impression you make ...and it's the only one you get.

    You asked.

  3. #3
    Sean Lynch
    Guest

    Re: Yes, I get bashed but I can't learn without it

    it would help if i posted the right one...I'm sorry. I doubt this one is perfect either but I'm trying.


    Dear Agent,

    After seventeen-year-old Remmy's mother dies, Remmy moves in with her father who she hasn't seen for ten years. Lost in a deep state depression, she's grieving and has to start over in a new school and with new friends.

    A class trip to Queen Charlotte Islands quickly turns into a nightmare for Remmy and five of her classmates, Kenny, Danny, Marcus, Tyra and Lesly, when Remmy discovers a small relic that gives them the power to change into a half human-half beast. They have to confront the horrifying reality of their first shift and learn to control the bloodthirsty side of the beast within them. Remmy's friends adjust fast and make a sport out of running around town catching bad guys. A sport Remmy has to stop before pictures of the beastly teens make front-page news.

    It isn't until Remmy discovers her link to an ancient tribe of Haida Indians and the evil warrior, Poie, that she fully understands the severity of the problem facing her. Falling in love with Kenny only complicates things as she devises a plan to stop Poie and his army of plague wolves from stealing the relic from her and destroying humanity.

    GIFT is a 100,000-word Fantasy/Adventure manuscript for young adults. The manuscript is available upon request.

    Thank you for your time.
    Sincerely, Sean Lynch

  4. #4
    Cindy Kay
    Guest

    Re: Yes, I get bashed but I can't learn without it

    Sean,

    Hurray, this one is stepping onto the right track. Oh, but you snipped the six children bit, for shame.

    What's still missing here is the larger picture for Remmy.

    Trying to clump together what I remember from all your previous drafts, I feel like I've discovered the heart of your heroine's story, which I advise you to make the focus of this query. Remmy doesn't know who she is -- her secretive Haida grandmother died with sealed lips, her mother is killed mysteriously, her father estranged. She's months away from the official stamp of adulthood, paddling furiously in foreign waters, and she has no idea who she is. Yet, she has a feeling, right? A feeling that there was something she was supposed to have learned by now. Something stolen with her grandmother and mother's deaths.

    It's not that she has to learn to control the half-beast bit she gets with the totem. (That's not enough character motivation.) It's that she has to know who she is, who she was supposed to be. It's simply a supernatural representation of what all kids on the edge of adulthood must struggle through.

    If any of that is true, I think you'd make a better impression on prospective agents if you could bring out those larger themes for your MC, wrap them up in the scented robes of the legends and totems and half-beasts and armies.

    Hope this helps. You're getting closer.

  5. #5
    Sean Lynch
    Guest

    Re: Yes, I get bashed but I can't learn without it

    I'm embarressed to say that you are right Cindy about Remmy. The manuscript was looked over and edited by an English teacher (friend of the family) from my local collage. He seems to think the MS is ready and I agree BUT condencing the right information into something as short as this is more then a challenge for me.
    Thank you again for your advice.

  6. #6
    Susan Molina
    Guest

    Re: Yes, I get bashed but I can't learn without it

    Try it one sentence at a time to get a correct sentence. Just the first sentence alone contain gramactical and punctuation errors.
    Susan

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts