Please advise

[Nichole Blackfinch]

I've already posted my query (below) and got some helpful feedback, but I have another question. Throughout my story, the main character gives several tarot readings. The card layouts or "spreads" for these readings are included in the book so that if a reader were interested, she could learn tarot basics. Should I include this info in a query or leave it out?

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High school senior Lucy Auburn never thought life would take her from mixing paint at the local hardware store to reading tarot cards for celebrity clients. Then again, she also didn’t imagine that she’d inherit a house, a fortune, and a decades-old battle with a murderous old man bent on getting what he wanted.

In the 55,000-word young adult novel TAROT’S KISS, Lucy is exploring her new home when she discovers a series of letters alluding to peculiar events in her family’s history, letters which draw her to the mysterious world of tarot. Lucy soon develops an uncanny ability to read the cards, but her new talent doesn’t go unnoticed; she unwittingly draws the attention of Gavin, an artist on a mission of his own, and of the Divinatory Guild of Savannah, an enigmatic organization with historical ties to Lucy’s family.

The Guild tasks Lucy with finding The Empress, an invaluable tarot card last believed to have been held by Lucy’s grandmother. With Gavin as her partner, she undertakes the mission with the hope that by finding the card, she’ll learn why her grandmother was so secretive about the past—and why her father has been missing for sixteen years. When Lucy’s quest becomes more complicated than expected, the leader of the Guild shows his impatience by having Lucy’s best friend murdered. Now it’s up to Lucy to figure out the mystery of The Empress and prevent the Guild from killing again.

[Gary Kessler]

I haven't read the query, but this is a "hook" that might spark interest. I'd include it.

[Todd Ritter]

I haven't read the previous version of the query, but I like what I see. It sounds very interesting. Here's a few suggestions (sorry if these were mentions elsewhere):

In the first graph, you mention "a murderous old man bent on getting what he wanted." First, it should be "getting what he wants," but it's so vague that I'd change it to be more specific. But since you don't mention the old man anywhere else in your query, maybe take him out altogether. Is he part of the Divinatory Guild of Savannah? If so, mention them and not the old man.

The same thing goes for mentioning in the last graph that her father has been missing for sixteen years. There's no context there, so it's jarring. It's a common querying mistake: Trying to stuff so much plot description into a letter than a lot of it gets lost. Focus only on the most vital aspects of your story.

As for your initial question, I'd mention it. It sounds like a nice bonus for the reader.

[Cindy Kay]

Nicole,

Other than some wordiness, it's a good plot summary.

I agree with Todd and Gary, the tarrot how-to bit could work nicely.

[Nichole Blackfinch]

Great, thanks! I've never done this before and have read that agents are pretty (understandably) picky.

I'll pare it down a bit and add the bit about the how to.

[Gopher Gold]

This is the first time in a long time I've seen such a good succint query and hook. It also shows your writing talent. Good luck - hope you snag an agent and publisher

[r k]

This is very, very well-written! Good luck, although I don't think you'll need it!

[Sam English]

One of the best queries to show up on WN in a longgggg time. Way to go!

[Diane Snyder-Haug]

Hi Nicole,
Your query is intriguing and well written. I read tarot and have done so for quite awhile both personally and professionally, including a brief stint as a phone psychic (amazing what writers do to make ends meet!) so I was a little confused as to why The Empress is "invaluable"? Is it missing from a special deck? or...? This point was not clear to me and may be confusing to anyone who knows a bit about tarot.... Also, if you read tarot and have some expertise, you should mention this in your query, along with the info about the sample spreads. Good luck!