One more time on my query

[Jeff Davis]

Hey, I know you're all probably getting sick of me, but here's another try at my query. Any comments, good or bad, would be appreciated.


Dear Agent:

SNAGGLER’S PARADISE is a completed 90,000-word satire that skewers the self-perpetuating insanity of Corporate America and modern-day relationships. Specifically, if we can’t much stand our families or our jobs, live for the day to escape!

Jack Snaggler is employed in an office where under achievers thrive and dedicated workers burnout from the stress of doing everyone else’s job. All he wants in life is a date with an elusive brunette named Paradise whom he met and fell in love with at a local bar. But when a disgruntled coworker cooks up a scheme to filch a fortune in company assets and then vanishes in a fire, Jack unexpectedly finds himself under suspicion for arson and murder. If he hopes to avoid a stint at the state pen – not to mention getting shot by a couple of trigger happy feds – and ever see Paradise again, he’ll first have to escape a conspiracy targeted against him that at each turn involves almost everyone he knows.

The book is a poster child for such works as the Peter Principle and penetrates the surface of what’s merely funny; demonstrating that what is commonly held to be sane is often nonsense. Readers with an appetite for novels peppered with sarcastic and underlying humor, such as Richard Russo’s Straight Man, will find plenty to chew on.

I have written for a number of local publications, including The Times News (Lehighton PA) and The Morning Call (Allentown PA). Presently I’m revising a second project.

May I send you more?

Many thanks and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Jeff Davis

[Smiling Curmudgeon]

Jeff,

This doesn't work for this reader.

Why do you say "employed in an office? What if---Jack Snaggler (I think the name is awful but thazz just my opinion) works in a corporate tower...? All I'm getting at is, give your Q some life. Look for words/phrases that are more active/expressive.

The whole bit about "where under achievers thrive and dedicated workers burnout from the stress of doing everyone else’s job." doesn't tell me enough to get interested.

Before I forget, I like your title.

"The book is a poster child for such works as the Peter Principle..." stopped me in my tracks. First, you're writing a satire, right? How would that make your book a poster child for PP? Seems to me it would be the antithesis.

The rest of that sentence tells a bunch, shows nothing. Same with the next one.

This reader thinks you need to step back, think, start over. If your tale is funny at whatever level (sarcasm, whimsy and so on) you gotta show that in your Q.

This doesn't.

Feel free to ignore.

Cur

[Cindy Kay]

Jeff,

I think Cur is spot on. The language isn't living up to the satire catagory. I needed something to edit before I start on my WIP. Hope this sparks some ideas for you.


Meet Jack Snaggler, a man esconced in the middles zone of the corporate tower, brown nosing his way into the under-achiever fraternity (those folks who really run the show while the dedicated few busy themselves with work). All Jack wants is to keep his cool-sounding title, assistant to the vice president of Asian marketing. And Paradise, a buxum brunette who won't even let him buy her a drink. Jack's desires are as ordinary as they come -- keep his title, get the girl, dip his toes into cool water now and again.

He is on the right track, too. Until a coworker filches a company fortune, sets the tower on fire, and vanishes, leaving Jack with a new title -- Prime Suspect. He's also got the entire under-achiever fraternity snitching every time his chair squeaks, two shiny new FBI agents on his tail, and a whole new set of dangerous desires hatching in his gut.

[Joe Zeff]

I'm sure you've been told before not to say that your book's "complete." If you keep on ignoring such basic advice, why should we bother?

[Jeff Davis]

Hi Joe,

That's probably good advice, although two very respectable agents at a writer's conference both told me it's always a good idea to mention that the book is complete because they receive so many submissions that aren't.

[Jeff Davis]

Thanks Cindy,

I'll take a look at using a different approach and see how that turns out.

[Jeff Davis]

Cur,

Thanks for the advice, and you're right. I need to take a step back and rethink things on this. I appreciate the help!

[Janice W-D]

Jeff wrote:

That's probably good advice, although two very respectable agents at a writer's conference both told me it's always a good idea to mention that the book is complete because they receive so many submissions that aren't.

Goggle a bit and you'll find quadruple that number that tell you not to say it's complete.

The word count of your book is a basic component of your query letter. It's impossible to know the word count of an unfinished book.

Best,
Janice