Perhaps another way to query?
Crossing Twice - non-Fiction 50000 words
As I stood in the great expanse, with light everywhere, coming from millions of joyous spheres around the Great Source, I was awe struck. Here I was, home, after being gone for a few infinitesimal seconds which had been my years on Earth. It was home. A home I had known for eons and would know for eternity.
Everyone and everything was known and familiar to me. I had all the answers I had sought in hundreds of hours spent in classrooms. I had all of the love and acceptance I had ever longed for and sought in relationships fraught with desperation and impossible conflicts. I had the comfort to salve every hateful hand every place upon me; the violations dealt to my body by the diseased mind of my tormenting uncle. Even comfort enough to completely forget the memory of the daily, intractable pain.
No, this was no place for pain. This was home. Completely safe, completely guarded. Every one of the lights completely loved me and I felt perfect love for each one. No agendas. No secrets. Rather, a passion for the very best for each one of my fellow beings. Passion is the best word I can come up with for the feeling. It was the very best, strongest will for the good things to come to each person. And, there was passion for myself. Not only was a perfect love coming from each of the bodies of light and the Great Light, but from within my own being.
I stood before the Creator without fear. Oh, yes, there was a great respect and a reverence for the Source of all life, but no fear. There was no trepidation, no feeling of running to hide and then, suddenly, no feeling of unworthiness. Even shame was erased.
Instead, I stood as a child greeting his beloved parent, home from the store, or work or even war. The fulfillment and the power of His embrace was mine. The power of the longing for the embrace which conveyed the safety and joy I had always hoped existed was instantly conveyed. Whatever other name one places on the I Am, he came across to me as parent A parent at once all powerful and all knowing; and only focused on me. It was the wonderful approval and acceptance I had sought in life.
In this work, I hope you will at least opened your mind to the idea of a paradisiacal realm where love, peace, joy and a utopian perfection exists. As I continue on my work, I find it to be more real each and every day. My clients’ lives continue to change. Those I call family and friends continue to change.
The idea of a loving, guiding Creator who loves you and wishes only the best for you may seem childlike and naïve. However, its simplicity speaks to us if we listen. It is the Truth behind all other truths. It is the love behind all other love. It is the power behind all other power. And, He is the Creator, who loves you. Just as you are. Just where you are on your journey. Yes, the one message I would convey is there is a God. And, God loves you. See you at home.
Re: Perhaps another way to query?
Hmmm, I don't recall getting this reaction to my suggestions before. I suggested getting rid of the weak linking verbs that diluted the potential impact of your story in your earlier version. This version appears to contain an even larger quantity of was/is/are/have been, etc.
IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE
Wrong posting. Please delete if possible!
Re: IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE
Nope, unfortunately the forum posts don't have a delete button but it's a small price to pay for not having moderators censoring every other word out of our mouths. Don't worry about your slip up. No one's going to whap your fingers with a ruler for copying and pasting the wrong version once in a while.
Earlier this week, I spent a day and a half revising a short story before submitting it to a contest. The 1,200-word version, after a half-dozen revisions, took 3rd prize in a contest last year. Later, I cut it down to 800 words (max allowed by magazine) and submitted it for publication. The magazine editor rejected it for not fitting their needs--not cheery enough--but it garnered a personalized letter from her, complimenting my writing style and inviting me to send more stories. The new contest allowed a much higher word count--2,000 words--so I added a couple of my "murdered darlings" back in, rewrote the first paragraph completely and clarified a few questionable sentences. I date most of my stories in their document files but I still had to print out the first and last page of 5 different versions to keep everything flowing smoothly.
Here's hoping my latest version of the story--1,000 words--takes 1st place in the new contest and the final draft of your query lands a big-time agent.
Hang in there!
Re: IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE
Good luck to both of us, Janice! I'll save the champagne on ice!