HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Is this good?

  1. #1
    Julian Ruberte
    Guest

    Is this good?

    I don't know if I can call this the synopsis or the hook or what. Can anyone please help?

    In Haxlost, the Dragons have always ruled. But war has come to Haxlost. Betrayed by their own leader, the Dragons face extinction and doom.

    Masamube Cilachi is the heir to the Dragons’ kingdom. The war has stripped her of everything she held dear. Now, Masamube is forced to begin anew, in a world both familiar and alien. But the war was only the beginning. Driven by their own desires, Masamube’s once friends have turned against her in an effort to overcome the war’s predestined fate. Armed with only a feeble image of the Dragon she is expected to be, Masamube sets out to overcome the conflicts that threaten to obliterate her.



  2. #2
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Is this good?

    Gonna be blunt -- brace yourself.

    No, it's not good. It sounds like a million stories written every single day. There's nothing original. There's really nothing revealing in what you say. It's all general and cliche.

    The hook is not a hook. It does NOT make me want to read further (what a hook should do). I recommend you read this message board (go back through the older messages for pages and pages) and read other queries and the comments about those. I'm trying to understand why new writers don't understand what a query is and what it should have and not have. If you want to succeed, you need to study. I'm not trying to be a bea-otch; I understand you're trying to get advice and trying to learn. So here's a tool for you:

    Read the post right below this one. The one called Query Letter Advice by Arden Wolfe. This has none of that.

    I think you're trying to write a query, not a synopsis?? Either way, if you go back through these pages, you'll find tons of information on both.

    Please understand that I'm trying to help. If I didn't care, I wouldn't post a response.

    Bea

  3. #3
    Smiling Curmudgeon
    Guest

    Re: Is this good?

    Julian,

    No, this is not good. You may have a whale of a tale but what you posted is flat and generic. Some specifics.

    First paragraph---

    First sentence is passive. Second sentence is passive. Both are generic. Tell me something to make my heart pound. Third sentence is confusing. Tell me the difference between extinction and doom.

    Second paragraph---

    It's all way too generic for this reader. Tell me enough about Masamube to make me care about her. What does she hold dear? What is familiar and alien about the world? "Masamube's once friends..." is bad grammar/construction. Why do her friends turn against her? "...the war's predestined fate" doesn't tell your reader anything. What are some of the conflicts?

    You probably don't have room to answer all those questions in a query. Breathe some life into it.

    Hope this helps.

    Cur

  4. #4
    Keith .
    Guest

    Re: Is this good?

    Ask her

    <http://www.filmcritic.com/misc/mepics.nsf/view/teachers1/$File/teachers1.jpg>

  5. #5
    Wonky
    Guest

    Re: Is this good?

    I don't get your MC's name. First name sounds like it could be Japanese. Last name doesn't. Are you trying to mix anime and LOTR?

  6. #6
    Sasha Wasley
    Guest

    Re: Is this good?

    I personally think it's quite well written, although confusing. I like your writing but things like "war's predestined fate" and "feeble image of the dragon" baffle me.

  7. #7
    Joe Zeff
    Guest

    Re: Is this good?

    I think you've got a good idea for a hook, but it needs re-working to get it into at most two sentences.

    In Haxlost, the Dragons have always ruled. Now, betrayed in war by their leader, they face extinction.

  8. #8
    C Bets
    Guest

    Re: Is this good?

    This is not my favorite genre, but I agree with the majority of the responses above. You could have something exciting to tell, but you're not doing it. The entire query (yes, not a synopsis) is very vague.

    One specific: Masamube’s once friends have turned against her...

    "once friends" is not good. Get rid of "once."

    Try again - just like the rest of us - then try again - just like the rest of us - then try again . . . you get what I mean. ;-)

    C

  9. #9
    Joshie !
    Guest

    Re: Is this good?

    HMMMM..

    Perfect....next...

    In Haxlost, the Dragons have always ruled. But war has come to Haxlost. Betrayed by their own leader, the Dragons face extinction and doom.

    The hook is very far from good. You use Haxlost twice within ten words. And extinction and doom are so closely relate that using both of them in one sentence is redundant.

    A war waged by their leader threatens the dragons of Haxlost with extinction.

    Is this what you mean?
    Just my thought.

    Masamube Cilachi is the heir to the Dragons’ kingdom Ummm so . The war has stripped her of everything she held dear What war?. Now, Masamube is forced to begin anew, in a world both familiar and alien Cliche. and how is the world both farmiliar and alien? . But the war was only the beginning cliche.. Driven by their own desires, Masamube’s once Omit. saying they turned against her is enough friends have turned against her in an effort to overcome the war’s predestined fate HUH? how is the fate predestined? And if they know this why are they fighting it in the first place. Armed with only a feeble image of the Dragon she is expected to be which is? and why , Masamube sets out to overcome the conflicts that threaten to obliterate her this is the important stuff. What conflict threatens to obliterate her? Why? What does she do about it?.


    MHO

    Joshie!

  10. #10
    Julian Ruberte
    Guest

    Re: Is this good?

    THanks so much. I definitely deal okay with blunt so for future, sorry , references don't worry. In fact I thrive from blunt responses. I work off them much better. All this tells me that I went from bad to worse. I just need to reevaluate and start again.
    And Wonky, yes I realize Masamube is Japanese and the other is not. Call me crazy but I like the name, even if it is mixing races or whatnot. LOL

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts