HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11
  1. #1
    Johnny Ray
    Guest

    Dead men do not make contracts

    Please let me know your opinions on this query.
    Thanks



    Johnny Ray
    XXXXXX

    Dear Agent:

    Please consider my recently completed novel, Time is of the Essence, an 84,000-word romantic thriller for representation. I believe that Time is of the Essence would be a good match for you, given the authors and books that your agency has recently handled such as XXXX (short note on how agent selected or met)

    Dead men do not make contracts − survivors do. When J. L.ís private plane disappears in the swamps of Louisiana leaving his faith unknown, the validity of a real estate transaction, a stock trade and a $10,000,000 life insurance policy become questionable. The personal and business lives of three close friends, a real estate agent, a stock broker and an insurance agent collide. However, itís his devoted secretaryís hidden love that drives the rescue efforts. They all know the chances of surviving for long in the alligator infected swamps. Especially, with an unknown assassin still at large. They know J. L. has his share of enemies; heís one of the top management consultants and land developers in the world. His downsizing recommendations cost many employees their jobs and environmentalist blame him for ruining the natural order of things.

    This is a story of love loss and love gained told through the eyes of all characters directly affected by one central figureís tragedy. The Insurance agentís marital problems and J. L.ís secretaryís single-life-style also collide as they cling to each other for support and find attractions they both are not prepared for. To pull this deal off the realtor and her seller client must advance from combatant business adversaries to personal business partners and more. .

    Iíve owned and operated a Securities firm where I was the registered principal for stocks, bonds, government securities and options, an insurance company where I was a Chartered Life Underwriter and Chartered Financial Consultant and several real estate companies where I was a Certified Residential Specialist and a Certified International Property Specialist. Iím extremely well known in international business circles where I still consult and speak. However, Iím also working full time on my next novel.

    I hope Time is of the Essence fits the requirements of your agency and that you will be interested in reading the work in its entirety. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response.


    Sincerely,

    Johnny Ray



  2. #2
    Wonky
    Guest

    Re: Dead men do not make contracts

    I stopped reading after the first sentence.

  3. #3
    Arden Wolfe
    Guest

    Re: Dead men do not make contracts

    All I will say is it doesn't work.

    I will make one observation that made me instantly reject it.

    When J. L.ís private plane disappears in the swamps of Louisiana leaving his faith unknown, the validity of a real estate transaction, a stock trade and a $10,000,000 life insurance policy become questionable

    If you are going to use a clichť, make sure you use it correctly.

    The term is FATE unknown ... not a religious crisis.

    Wolfe

  4. #4
    E Lynd
    Guest

    Re: Dead men do not make contracts

    Iíve owned and operated a Securities firm where I was the registered principal for stocks, bonds, government securities and options, an insurance company where I was a Chartered Life Underwriter and Chartered Financial Consultant and several real estate companies where I was a Certified Residential Specialist and a Certified International Property Specialist. Iím extremely well known in international business circles where I still consult and speak. However, Iím also working full time on my next novel.



    For starters, kill this entire paragraph. It's about the book. Non-fiction, this might be pertinent, but for a novel it matters about as much as the fact that I have two dogs, and there's a dog in my book. (Actually, there's not a dog in my book, but you get the point.)

    As for the rest--as it reads now, it just wasn't compelling to me. And having the dry "please consider" starting you off only makes it more slow. Punch it up, start with the hook, and go from there.

  5. #5
    Cathy C
    Guest

    Re: Dead men do not make contracts

    I still have to go back to the confusion in genre. Yes, you can say it's a "romantic thriller" but what's in this query will make an agent start thinking about romance editors to pitch it to---if at all. This query says that's where it'll be shelved. If it's a THRILLER, then make it thrilling. Don't say it's a story of "love lost and loved gained." That's romance lingo. Stick with THRILLER lingo. Where's the thrilling part of the query? The guy's disappeared. Nifty. Why do the others believe an assassin's involved...or DO they? Where's the race against time, the death of thousands (or each other?) Plus, tons of people live in and around the swamps their entire life and don't succumb to alligators. It's not a guarantee that if the guy crashed, he's a goner. That's a logic gap you don't want in your query.

    You need to go back to the drawing board on this. Look at other thrillers on your shelves. What's on their cover blurb that's NOT in yours? Where's the risk of loss? Where's the panic? A real estate transaction and million dollar contract just don't do it for me. JMHO, of course.

  6. #6
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Dead men do not make contracts

    Dead men do not make contracts − survivors do.

    I kinda like your hook. Consider:

    Dead men don't fulfill contracts, survivors do.


    When J. L.ís private plane disappears in the swamps of Louisiana leaving his faith unknown,

    I stumbled here.... his faith unknown? Why do we care what his faith is? Even if we SHOULD care, get rid of it in the query. just:

    When JL's private jet (jet -- not plane, BTW -- reads better) disappears in the swamps of Louisiana, the validity of several investments (yea, get rid of those bogged down details for the query) and a $10 million (spell it out -- it's easier to read rather than calculate what the hell all those zeros mean) life insurance policy become questioned.

    The personal and business lives of three close friends, a real estate agent, a stock broker and an insurance agent collide.

    It takes me awhile to realize that all these guys are passengers on the plane and they have to survive out in the swamp. (and can I say that if you were to use that sentence as is, it should be: The personal and business lives of three close friends--a real estate agent, a stock broker and an insurance agent--collide).

    I think the secretary part of the story really isn't necessary in the query. Of course, I haven't read it, so I'm just sayin'. But I think the bulk of your story is the business deal, the 3 people surviving, etc.

    Then you throw in out of the blue that an assasin is at large. What does that have to do with this? If that's the conflict, then focus on that, but if not, then it's just a sidetrack that's getting me bogged down and confused. You're making me ask questions, but not in a good way...

    You need to streamline this much more. Pick the main point, the main conflict. But don't do what others do when they get this advice and make it so vague, that then it's sterile and not appealing.

    I don't think the paragraph abour your personal history is significant to an agent. Get rid of it. The only thing s/he cares about is can the boy write and has he done it before? If not, then don't tell them anything about yourself. Just present your story. And make it the presentation of your lifetime.

    Bea

  7. #7
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Dead men do not make contracts

    Dead men do not make contracts − survivors do.

    I kinda like your hook. Consider:

    Dead men don't fulfill contracts, survivors do.


    When J. L.ís private plane disappears in the swamps of Louisiana leaving his faith unknown,

    I stumbled here.... his faith unknown? Why do we care what his faith is? Even if we SHOULD care, get rid of it in the query. just:

    When JL's private jet (jet -- not plane, BTW -- reads better) disappears in the swamps of Louisiana, the validity of several investments (yea, get rid of those bogged down details for the query) and a $10 million (spell it out -- it's easier to read rather than calculate what the hell all those zeros mean) life insurance policy become questioned.

    The personal and business lives of three close friends, a real estate agent, a stock broker and an insurance agent collide.

    It takes me awhile to realize that all these guys are passengers on the plane and they have to survive out in the swamp. (and can I say that if you were to use that sentence as is, it should be: The personal and business lives of three close friends--a real estate agent, a stock broker and an insurance agent--collide).

    I think the secretary part of the story really isn't necessary in the query. Of course, I haven't read it, so I'm just sayin'. But I think the bulk of your story is the business deal, the 3 people surviving, etc.

    Then you throw in out of the blue that an assasin is at large. What does that have to do with this? If that's the conflict, then focus on that, but if not, then it's just a sidetrack that's getting me bogged down and confused. You're making me ask questions, but not in a good way...

    You need to streamline this much more. Pick the main point, the main conflict. But don't do what others do when they get this advice and make it so vague, that then it's sterile and not appealing.

    I don't think the paragraph abour your personal history is significant to an agent. Get rid of it. The only thing s/he cares about is can the boy write and has he done it before? If not, then don't tell them anything about yourself. Just present your story. And make it the presentation of your lifetime.

    Bea

  8. #8
    jayce
    Guest

    Re: Dead men do not make contracts

    I don't think the paragraph abour your personal history is significant to an agent. Get rid of it.

    What Bea said.

  9. #9
    Joshie !
    Guest

    Re: Dead men do not make contracts

    Ummmmm.... Capitalize your book.

    I don't really like the first paragraph AT ALL
    of course I'm a firm believer in starting with the hook.

    And I would consider taking out the short bio. Unless it has something to do with other publications, or why you are best qualified to write this book then trash it.

    I'll post for Keith.
    "Perfect.. Next"


    Joshie!

  10. #10
    Sasha Wasley
    Guest

    Re: Dead men do not make contracts

    Hi, I'm new here but I must point out that alligators don't infect swamps. They infest.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts