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Thread: Another query

  1. #11
    Kevin G.
    Guest

    Re: Another query

    I thought that it might; perhaps we're both surfeited.

    Damn tense.

    Thanks nonetheless.


    Reign, rein, go away; come again some... I think you know what I'm getting at.



  2. #12
    Debra Storky
    Guest

    Re: Another query

    Is there a plot here? First, a man is unhappy. (You tell us he's unhappy in the first sentence, the second sentence, and the third sentence. We get it. So we're going to read about a protagonist who mopes around unhappily. Not sure there are a lot of people who want to read about a guy who loathes his life.) Second, he stops hanging around his friends. Third, they're angry about that. Fourth, his band breaks up. The end. Doesn't sound like much going on to make the reader want to turn the pages.

  3. #13
    Kevin G.
    Guest

    Re: Another query

    You're right Storky. I was previously accused of a 'holier than thou' attitude, and now in re-reading it, I can see that my attempts at humility have come across as a beaten dog outlook. Though I'm worried that you cut right to 'the end' after the band breaks up, because there are uplifting sentences afterwards.

    I've since re-written one that has more of a hopeful tinge, though obviously those with addictions aren't going to be jumping with joy about it if it pains them. I'm happy with this query. I don't wish to endless take up your time, so I'll bury it here. Let me know your thoughts if you happen to stumble upon it.

    Dear Name:

    The monotony of suburban life traps Kevin in a culture of intoxication.

    At twenty-four years old, Kevin hopes that his band or his writing will free him from this pervasive lifestyle. His friends in the band want the opposite, and the routine of pubbing and pursuing women quashes band practices. His rejected writings donít help. He accepts that nothing external will free him; he must do it himself. Going to bars, parties, and concerts complicates Kevinís desire to overcome his addictions. The others in the band want more women and more to drink, so the band breaks up. Despite the opposition of his friends, he perseveres and kicks his dependencies. Believing in himself, his hopes centre on the choices heíll come to make.

    At 100,000 words, TITLE is a literary novel with a commercial angle which will appeal to readers of the self-confessional novels of Charles Bukowski and Henry Miller.

    For seven years I was in a band that eventually dissolved due to the membersí dependencies.

    Thank you for your time.

  4. #14
    Wonky
    Guest

    Re: Another query

    I still don't understand what he actually DOES besides quit partying.

  5. #15
    L Bea
    Guest

    Re: Another query

    Kevin,

    I like it better if it matters what I think. Send it off and see what kind of response you get. I think as you said, the book is what it is... This last query is more concise, not so highbrow and much more clear about what the book is about. Glad you got rid of the all the dream references. I know dreams play a role in the story, but when described in a query, they come across cliche.


    I really do wish you the best! Keep me posted. I'd like to know how it goes...
    Bea

  6. #16
    C Bets
    Guest

    Re: Another query

    Hey Kevin,

    I donít have the advantage (or perhaps disadvantage?) of being familiar with the first attempt, so will comment on these alone.
    Iím not all that crazy about the opening, either. But, you definitely have something of a good base to tap into, imo. Hereís my reaction.

    First, thereís no shame in taking the fact that the band broke up and using it as your hook in some way. That really does seem to be the pivotal point of the story, or at least a good part of it. Why not start it with something like:

    After years or partying, overindulging, and downright self-destructive tendencies, Kevinís had enough. Unfortunately, the rest of the band hasnít and their eventual break-up after constant battles gives Kevin the motivation he needs to finally find happiness and security from within. The outside pleasures of Ė yes Ė sex, drugs and rock-n-roll need to find a new home while Kevin takes a stab at another way of life.

    Okay, not great Ė but again, donít dismiss the possibility.

    Also, some good recommendations by the others here. You need to throw in some goodies to make the story sound more interesting.

    As always, just my $.02. Take what you feel is useful and toss the rest. Good luck! (And for what itís worth, my own MS is quite similar in concept. Wish me luck, too. ;-))

    C

  7. #17
    Sasha Wasley
    Guest

    Re: Another query

    Maybe you should come clean and call it semi-autobiographical? I think your descriptive words (like pervasive) might be tying you in knots. They just don't work.

    <The monotony of suburban life has Kevin [surname] trapped in a culture of intoxication.

    At twenty-four, Kevin is desperate to break free. He doesn't care whether it's his band or his writing that will give him the big break.
    But his band mates seem to want the opposite, and the routine of pubbing and pursuing women takes priority over band practice sessions. The multiple rejected screenplays donít help.
    Kevin must face the reality that nothing external will free him; he must do it himself. Going to bars, parties, and concerts complicates Kevinís desire to overcome his addictions. Despite the opposition of his friends, Kevin's belief in himself leads him to make some empowering - and alienating - choices.

    At 100,000 words, TITLE is a literary novel with a commercial angle which will appeal to readers of the self-confessional novels of Charles Bukowski and Henry Miller.

    For seven years I was in a band that eventually dissolved due to the membersí dependencies. [need more about you; maybe something about your writing history]. TITLE is a semi-autobiographical novel.>

    That's how I'd do it. But that's just me
    Good luck.

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