my attempt at a query letter

[Andrea Kestner]

If Carl had known that wishing to hunt trolls would end, with him tied up on the ground in the forest fearing for his life, he probably would have reconsidered. His fate now lay in the cleverness of his cat, Bandit, and the courage of his dog, Captain. Will Carl become food for the trolls or will he manage to escape and discover the secret of how his wish was realized.

The Adventures of Captain, Carl and Bandit, a 1900 word story, is about a boy with a great imagination that discovers a tree which allows him to turn his imaginations into real life adventures. This is the first of many adventures he embarks on.

This children’s story shows how one boy’s imagination opened up an endless world of possibilities. I appreciate your time and consideration.

[Danyelle --]

I like your beginning, but I would rework it to make it a little shorter.

I would insert a paragraph between one and two that gives us some idea of what your book is about. I really don't know what happens. It doesn't have to be a lot, just enough to spark an agent's interest where they would want to read more.

THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN, CARL, AND BANDIT is a 1,900-word (insert genre here--I'm guessing it's a children's book) That's all I would put in that paragraph.

On the last paragraph, I would just say: I appreciate your time and consideration.

Hope this helps.

[Arden Wolfe]

These are just my observations:

1. If Carl had (passive) known that wishing to hunt trolls would end, (comma splicing) with him tied up on the ground in the forest fearing for his life, he probably (adverb) would have (passive) reconsidered (the hook lacks something). His fate now lay (I hate this verb because of the lay/lie confusion it generates) in the cleverness of his cat, Bandit, and the courage of his dog, Captain. Will Carl become food for the trolls or will he manage to escape and discover the secret of how his wish was realized (sounds more like a question than a statement).

2. The Adventures of Captain, Carl and Bandit (CAPS ALL), a 1900 word (1900-word) story (I am not familar with children' literature. Is this enough words?), is about a boy with a great imagination that discovers a tree which allows him to turn his imaginations into real life adventures (imagination is used twice). This is the first of many adventures he embarks on (BAD! One story at a time please).

3. This children’s story shows how one boy’s imagination (here is number three of that word) opened up an endless world of possibilities (I'd remove this entire sentence - telling not showing). I appreciate your time and consideration (good).

4. Nothing about you?

Overall: It has possibilities. I would compare it to something, but that is a personal call. Is it anything along the lines of The Giving Tree?

I can't say yes or no to this one because it really is out of my genre being meant for children. Is a child's book demanding of conflict? I'm not sure.

All I can point out is the grammar items that stand out to me.

I'm sure other writers here are more able to address your query than I.

Good luck.

Wolfe

[L Bea]

If Carl had known that wishing to hunt trolls would end, with him tied up on the ground in the forest fearing for his life, he probably would have reconsidered. His fate now lay in the cleverness of his cat, Bandit, and the courage of his dog, Captain. Will Carl become food for the trolls or will he manage to escape and discover the secret of how his wish was realized.

The Adventures of Captain, Carl and Bandit, a 1900 word story, is about a boy with a great imagination that discovers a tree which allows him to turn his imaginations into real life adventures. This is the first of many adventures he embarks on.

This children’s story shows how one boy’s imagination opened up an endless world of possibilities. I appreciate your time and consideration.

[L Bea]

If Carl had known that wishing to hunt trolls would end, with him tied up on the ground in the forest fearing for his life, he probably would have reconsidered. His fate now lay in the cleverness of his cat, Bandit, and the courage of his dog, Captain. Will Carl become food for the trolls or will he manage to escape and discover the secret of how his wish was realized.

The Adventures of Captain, Carl and Bandit, a 1900 word story, is about a boy with a great imagination that discovers a tree which allows him to turn his imaginations into real life adventures. This is the first of many adventures he embarks on.

This children’s story shows how one boy’s imagination opened up an endless world of possibilities. I appreciate your time and consideration.

[Keith .]

You need to talk to someone very familiar with your genre. I know you're supposed to submit some children's work as a full ms rather than a query, but am clueless what the word count/age level cut off is. Your's is probably less than 8 pages in Word. I'd start a new thread looking for info about submitting for your age group and see if any appropriate agents blog. Luck.
km

[L Bea]

WOOPSIE! (hic) What the...

I copied Andrea's query into this little box to comment on it, pressed some magical combination of keys and voila! I posted TWICE the original query. Let me try this again. If it goes bad a third time, then Andrea, go on without me.... (hic)

The hook is such a big part of getting this right. If that's not right, an agent will read no further. Of course the rest has to be good too. I'm not quite getting the gist of your story by this.


Why is WISHING to hunt for trolls getting Carl tied up? Does he actually HUNT?

BUT I will say that I think your hook with Carl tied up in the forest could be good and tying that with hunting with Trolls. It's interesting.

Try again,
Bea

[Arden Wolfe]

I was wondering what you were doing Bea...

[L Bea]

Shut up, Arden! (hic)

No, no, no -- cummm ere. I diddddnt mene it/ Youreriere my besszt buddddeeee (hic)eee(hic)

Sheesh

I have no idea what happened. I've only had 3 drinks so far....

hic,
Bea

[Wonky]

What is this, a story for a magazine?