Query letter Does this look better?

[Linda S]

Sapphire Savvy and Joe Zeff and L Bea-Thank you for the advice. I was trying to use humor in the first sentence, consensus says it's not working. I'll work on it.

L BEA-I've been in lurker mode reading (The Elements of Style, as suggested)and, re-writing again, and again. I see what you are saying about the then-then thing I can change that. I'm glad that you noticed that it's come along way.

Robert Brown-When I chose Urban Fantasy my understanding was that it was set in this world, this time. I guess that I must have misunderstood? Do you think that Contemporary Fantasy or Modern-day Fantasy would be better? I could use Fantasy and let the agent decide where they want it to be?

I'll work on the query and see what I come up with.

[jayce]

The query starts out sounding like it's Katie's story, but the focus then switches to her parents.

I still don't see what the story is here. Lots of complications--the rush to remove all evidence of Katie’s existence--but who are they hiding from? what happens if they're caught? Without these elements, there's no conflict--and no sale.

Good luck.

[Carmel C]

Ditto, Jayce.

[Joe Zeff]

My understanding matches yours, Linda, not Robert's.

[Joshie !]

Katie Bennett went to Florida hoping to have a great spring break--what she got were friends who hate her, a boyfriend she put into the hospital and a lust for blood.


I just don't really like this. It takes far to long for me get any real interest.


Hoping to have a great spring break in Florida, Katie Bennet instead put her boyfriend in the hospital, and developed a lust for blood.

I would shorten it up to the very important and flashy cath my attention stuff. This is just an idea though and it's kinda rough.

MVHO

Joshie