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  1. #1
    Johnny Ray

    one more time on query

    Johnny Ray

    Dear Agent:

    Please consider my recently completed novel, Time is of the Essence, an 84,000-word romantic thriller for representation. I believe that Time is of the Essence would be a good match for you, given the authors and books that your agency has recently handled such as XXXX (short note on how agent selected or met)

    Dead men do not make contracts. All transactions require J. L. to be alive at the time they are executed. The timing of his crash and assumed death is critical in determining if the contracts are valid. Determining the time of death presents severe obstacles when decisions have to be made immediately, especially if the deathís not even confirmed.
    Prior to his flight, J. L., one of the top management consultant and land developers in the country, signs a real estate offer for a mega development, an application for a $10,000,000 insurance policy and executes a good-till-cancel order to buy stock and acquire control of a corporation. His insurance agent, stockbroker, realtor and most importantly long-time secretary that loved him forever desperately want to find him alive as they head to Louisiana. As J. L. waits, he not only constantly thinks about his sabotaged plane and possible death, but how much his secretary really means to him. With alligators circling his sabotaged plane and the swamp moss hiding his location, he prays that he simply be given a chance to tell her. However, the alligators are tame compared to the swamp renegade hired to find him and make his disappearance permanent.
    The search for J. L. changes the lives of those entire close to him. The Insurance agentís marital problems and J. L.ís secretaryís single-life-style collide as they cling to each other for support and find attractions they both are not prepared for. The realtor and her seller client evolve from combatant business adversaries to personal business partners and more. This is a story of love loss and love gained told through the eyes of all characters directly affected by one central figureís tragedy.
    Iíve owned and operated a Securities firm where I was the registered principal for stocks, bonds, government securities and options, an insurance company where I was a Chartered Life Underwriter and Chartered Financial Consultant and several real estate companies where I was a Certified Residential Specialist and a Certified International Property Specialist. Iím extremely well known in international business circles where I still consult. However, I now work full time writing and hope to complete two or three novels a year.
    I hope Time is of the Essence fits the requirements of your agency and that you will be interested in reading the work in its entirety. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to your response.

    Johnny Ray

  2. #2
    Grandmaster Batzier

    Re: one more time on query

    You need more white; do a hard return after each paragraph. It makes it look less imposing and is easier on the eys.

    I'm not sure if its just me, but it seems there is a lot of subjects in your hook.

    The next para just seems awkward to me. Like some of the information can just be rearranged or left out. Its just really confusing for me to read.

    The search for J. L. changes the lives of those entire close to him

    And what is this?


  3. #3
    Cathy C

    Re: one more time on query

    Johnny, go back and look at my comments on the last try. This hasn't changed much from that query, and it needs to.

  4. #4
    Ce Ce

    Re: one more time on query

    You're trying to cram too much into a query letter.

    You should be able to describe the central plot of your novel in three sentences.

    Ask yourself a few brief questions: Who is your central character? What is the situation? What are the stakes involved?

    Save the long, drawn-out details, the additional characters, and all the subplots for your synopsis or summary.

    The job of a query is to intrigue/hook the reader.

    This one doesn't work, IMO.

  5. #5

    Re: one more time on query

    Too long. You don't need to summarize the entire plot.

  6. #6
    Johnny Ray

    Re: one more time on query

    ok, back to the drawing board. I use hard reurns and still have trouble with compression of my formatting


    and I do appreciate the comments

  7. #7

    Re: one more time on query

    Just separate the paragraphs here with blank lines.

  8. #8
    Joe Zeff

    Re: one more time on query

    Please read my comment on your last attempt. It's as true now as it was then.

  9. #9
    Carmel C

    Re: one more time on query

    Sorry, still no paragraph spacing. I'm out till then.

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