First and foremost thank you for all the advice, I hope this one has sparked more interest and is better. I now feel I can't send queries out without your critique.
Dreaming of Paris: Tales of a Cynical Young Wife and Mother, details the great validation of reaching success against all odds. Welcome to the culture shock of central Florida every one, a mixture of all classes, rich flockers from Canada who can't tip and the men who live the alleys downtown, all equally judgmental.
By eighteen I'm spiraling into an abyss of self loathing and hate all while making ice cream cones for a mother and son who look more like husband and wife. I run away from a troubled home to start life on my own, giving the finger to every rule while driving off into the sunset.
While swallowing the wounds of childhood abandonment, healing the inadequacy I felt as an adopted child, and accepting the fact that I am victim of rape, I somehow still manage to find love in places I least expect and myself in places I never looked.
Dreaming of Paris divulges my year long struggle through teenage pregnancy and the socio-created misconception that I live in a trailer, adapting to marriage, the gratifying torture of motherhood, along the whispers I hear from every right wing nut who walks away after politely handing me some pamphlet.
Sometimes sad, often humorous and always dripping in sarcasm, this is my story, honest and completely uncensored. These chapters are a vivid depiction into the darker side of life as a wallflower and my unpredictable journey to break free from cliches of Catholic guilt. The road that we have all been taught to drive on is not the only road out there and this story is how I get to the finish line, with a few stumbles along the way.
Dreaming of Paris is my first manuscript. I feel that with your help it has the potential to reach commercial success. My goal is to have women laughing, nodding in agreement, and left feeling touched. Although I am not a published author I have miscellaneous articles published on sites such as AssociatedContent.com and uselessknowledge.com
I am happy to send you via email or postage mail my manuscript for further review and would be honored for you to represent me. I look forward to hearing from you.
Re: Fixed query.
Christina -- It's a decent first attempt, but it's too long, too brittle, and your biases blare out. Save those for the book.
Don't tell the agent you're unpublished, that with his/her help the manuscript will be a commercial success. The book is supposed to be as perfect as can be and not begging for the agent's help.
Just my 2 cents.
Re: Fixed query.
You also might start off by telling the would be agent what genre your story belongs to, how many (rounded to nearest thousand) the manuscript is, followed by a brief description/run down of the story itself - not what you hope/believe that story will do.
The agent/publishing house needs to be convinced by your query letter that the story you have written will have appeal.
So convinced that that agent/editor will want to see and read at least a sample of your story.
It is, of course, a totally hit and miss business.
Check out how many best selling authors were turned down first up.
There are a lot of us out here doing just what you (and we) hope to do.
Re: Fixed query.
Small nitpicking, but you could also put spaces between paragraphs. Just makes it a bit easier to read (it always takes me two posts before I have any real sense of what/how I'm posting !!!
But, all in all, what Irese and Denis said.