Query - please be critical

[Graham MacNeill]

I don't take it personally and appreciate feedback....



Dear X:

Forced back into the singles scene by his cheating ex-wife, Tim attempts to keep his sanity as he endures a series of mishaps while guided by his well-meaning, but unconventional therapist.

That is the premise for my completed manuscript DIVORCED WHITE MALE, an 87,000 word contemporary novel that takes the reader inside the various methods of the modern dating world with a frustrated, but amusing, newly single man.

Already made cynical by his tumultuous past, Tim is sent by his therapist careening through speed-dating, online dating, blind-dating, and frequenting nightclubs, with the apparent burdens of humility and honesty, along with the stigma of being divorced at a young age.

His comrade on this journey is Rick, a womanizing pick-up artist from England who wields his accent and charm ruthlessly, leaving dejected women in his wake. Tim is appalled by Rick's absence of morals. Rick is baffled that Tim allows his conscience to be a hindrance. Ultimately the two face off in a battle for the same woman’s heart.

I would be happy to send you a synopsis or manuscript at your request.

Sincerely,

[Rogue Mutt]

Is there any marked difference from the last attempt or the one before that? From what I see, the last paragraph is where you actually get to the point. All the stuff about the forms of dating doesn't seem to have much relevance. The central conflict as presented here sounds like womanizing Rick vs. more straight-laced Tim for the affections of some girl. Focus on that. Or just put out another version of almost the same letter so I can repeat myself over and over again. Whatever.

[Countess Olenska]

This not bad at all, Graham, and I disagree with Mutt when he says it's no different than it was the last time. Seems to me you've done some necessary pruning.

I would send it out as is to a few agents and see what kind of response you get. Then, if you feel it's not working, you might want to take Mutt's advice and do a rewrite that focuses on the love triangle.

[Wayne G]

This is much better. The third paragraph is still weak. It could be dropped and nothing would be lost. "Tumultuous past" is overdoing it a bit. And is being divorced anymore a stigma? But overall it's getting there. The opening hook is better.

[Misty Keith]

I feel this is pretty decent. I didn't read your first query but to me this one could work A ok. Maybe just a little cleaning up on wording here and there and omitting some unnecessary statements. Overall however it is to the point.