Query letter help

[Billy Wong]

I'm trying to fix up my query letter before trying to query agents again, after many many rejections of the old one. Which of these two versions (the second being longer and more detailed, the first focusing more on one aspect of the story) do you think is better, and what could I do to improve either?


Version 1:

Dear Agent,

The hardest battles are fought inside the heart. SHE ROSE is a completed 84,000 word heroic fantasy about a mighty warrior torn between her desire to use her strength for good and her longing for a peaceful life.

A young woman with a considerate heart and extraordinary constitution, Rose has already won fame in battle when she meets and falls in love with Ethan, the leader of the pacificist group called the Whitestones. Weary of the bloodshed and hardships of being a warrior, she joins his order to seek happiness in a new life. But when their homeland is invaded by barbarians, Rose must decide whether to take up the sword again at the risk of losing the man she loves.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


Version 2:

Dear Agent,

The hardest battles are fought inside the heart. SHE ROSE is a completed 84,000 word heroic fantasy about a mighty warrior torn between her desire to use her strength for good and her longing for a peaceful life.

A young woman with a considerate heart andextraordinary constitution, Rose seeks to fulfil the potential of her natural talents by becoming a warrior. Though she soon grows weary of violence, circumstance forces her to continue on her bloody path. She has already won fame in battle when she meets and falls in love with Ethan, the leader of the pacificist group called the Whitestones. Welcoming the chance at a fresh start, she joins his order to seek happiness in a new life. But when their homeland is invaded by barbarians, Rose must decide whether to take up the sword again at the risk of losing the man she loves.

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

[Misty Keith]

I prefer the first one over the second but I think it could still use some polishing up. For example, I don't think you even have to mention it is completed as it should be so before even querying an agent. I'd also make the sentences a little shorter. I have had that problem with my own sentence structuring and now am doing much, much better. Also, I'd put more excitement in it because it seems dull at the moment. You want to really excite the agent and catch his or her attention. You want them to want to read the entirety of the novel! So make sure it is not just descriptive but it is enticing in wording. Just don't put it over the top. Good luck.

[Countess Olenska]

It says it's completed.

I love the first one just as it is, Billy. Short, to the point, and well written. Good job!

[Amber Scott]

I also vote for the first one -- I'd definitely read the book based on that query. I'm a sucker for strong female fantasy leads.

-Amber S.