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  1. #1
    -- debraji

    query puzzle - round 2

    Okay, I've eliminated the clutter of plot points. I'm still having particular trouble with the last phrase--I understand why it sounds cliche, but haven't yet figured out how to replace it.


    Tamana Sorn ekes out a quiet living with her herbs and potions, teaching her apprentice, Braye, how ash-onion softens bad dreams, how beggar's cap increases generosity. She's found that nine-year-old Braye has an unusual gift: he can see through things. He can find what's missing. He can uncover deception. It's a gift that brings unwanted attention.

    Tamana had long ago severed her connections to the hidden realm of Tanagal and its ruler, Queen Maire. But when Braye disappears, and she finds the body of a murdered Tangalian in her garden, the trail leads to the one place she swore she'd never go. One thing’s certain: Tamana can no longer hide from the coming war as a simple village healer. To retrieve the boy, she must travel across Tanagal past the boundaries of death itself, for the Queen has hidden Braye among the dead to keep him safe from the enemy that would destroy them all.

  2. #2
    A J

    Re: query puzzle - round 2

    Hi! Your story idea is really interesting.

    Im a novice at this too, so i dont know if my suggestions are up to part with what you need but here goes.

    Maybe you could say :to keep him safe from the enemy that has the power to desotry them all.

    By saying "would destroy" it isnt giving a posibility, but saying that the enemy will in fact destroy them.

    Also i think you should elabroate on a few things that are really interesting and i want to know more about that could grab my attention. For example:

    past the boundaries of death itself....i think elaborate on exactly what these boundaries are.

    leads to the one place she swore she'd never go....why did she swear she'd never go here?

    Also in the first paragraph say: ...teaching her nine-year-old apprentice Braye....
    so that you introduce him as nine years old earlier on in the paragraph.

    Again, im a novice so my suggestions might be not what you are looking for

    Good luck!

  3. #3
    -- debraji

    Re: query puzzle - round 2

    Oops, forgot to add at the end:

    [BOOKTITLE] is a 98,000 word fantasy.

    [brief credits paragraph listing published stories]

    If you are interested in [BOOKTITLE], I can send you sample chapters, a detailed and expanded synopsis, or the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

  4. #4
    Nathan Nicholl

    Re: query puzzle - round 2

    the enemy that would destroy them all.

    I think an enemy that wants to destroy everyone deserves a bit more than an exhausted cliche.

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