Query -- thanks to your help -- one more critique,

[A Writer]

Marian Braylaern’s quiet life is redefined the day she discovers that the extraordinary stone she had unearthed in her father’s vineyard contains the power of life over death for an entire kingdom.

Seveth Bay has been oppressed and ruled by the kingdom of Delthe for more than a century, and twelve-year-old Marian’s brother Nedd is marching north to join the Delthian Army. In the wake of his departure, Marian is faced with the death of her ancient grandmother, the enigmatic Toti. Before she dies, Toti gives Marian the contents of a small box and an incomplete explanation of what Marian will be required to do with them. Having sworn to keep the knowledge of what lies hidden beneath the floorboards even from her own parents, Marian is catapulted into a strange and unsettling new life, ultimately embracing the task that she alone can carry out.

While fifteen-year-old Nedd faces a deadly challenge in Delthe, Marian sets out to restore the Stones of Amaryn. Nedd, pursued by a faceless enemy, is unaware that his very life – and his enemy’s ultimate defeat – lies in the hands of his younger sister. As the realm is threatened by the enemy’s growing power and determination, Nedd rises to his calling and frees a captive army, leading them toward a hopeless battle against darkness. The destinies of brother and sister are far greater than either could have imagined, for neither is the person they have always believed themselves to be.

I invite you to read XXXXX, my 118,000-word Young Adult novel. I am the author of XXXXX (XXX, April 2002) and the editor of the Ezine, XXXXX.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

[Nathan Nicholl]

Much better. My only nitpick now is the line: for neither is the person they have always believed themselves to be, which doesn't sound right to me. I'm not sure how to fix it though.

[andrea cline]

makes sense to me. took me a while to get it though.

[L Bea]

Marian Braylaern’s quiet life is redefined the day she discovers that the extraordinary stone she had unearthed in her father’s vineyard contains the power of life over death for an entire kingdom.

I was hoping for a hook that included both kids. It sounds like the story is more about Marian, and Nedd, perhaps, is a side story?

Redefined seems so subtle a word when compared to power of life over death for an entire kingdom. What about becomes complicated, quiet life is shaken, ruffled, rattled, tangled, etc. Just a thought/opinion.

It's still a mystery how the secret her grandmother shares with her relates to the finding the stone and what her brother is going through. I'd either skip that part or somehow tie it tighter with what you've revealed.

The destinies of brother and sister are far greater than either could have imagined, for neither is the person they have always believed themselves to be.

I think this could be stronger. Are you hinting that they are heirs to something? Or is this just a statement that says, through all they've encountered and accomplished, they find they have more character than they thought?

~ Bea

[Bart Scrivener]

Hi. I think this query is well-written but tries to pack too much information in. There's actually a little too much of the detailed story in it, in my opinion. Also, I think you can cut some of the abstract language.

What you have is strong. Nothing stood out as offensive or anything. I think it can be tighter and a little less confusing, though.

First of all -- the first sentence is too long. And it didn't dovetail with the rest of the query. First she finds an extraordinary stone, and then her grandmother gives her a box that has powers. Are those two related? I didn't get it. Also, the hook sentence talks about her father, who doesn't reappear in the rest of the query. You already have 3 characters in the query (Nedd, Marian, Toti). I wouldn't confuse things with another one.

I also didn't get why you started out with the oppression of Seveth Bay, and then said that Nedd is going to join the army of the oppressors. So Nedd is an oppressor? I may be reading that wrong. The rest of that paragraph, starting with "In the wake of his departure..." is strong and compelling.

I love this story but I think you have to make it flow a little better. Here are the elements that I think are the most important: Nedd joins the army, and Marian gets a mysterious box from her dying grandmother that contains the power to save Nedd's life, and the future of the kingdom. I think something like that should be the hook.

"While fifteen-year-old Nedd faces a deadly challenge in Delthe, Marian sets out to restore the Stones of Amaryn." I would take this sentence out. The first part isn't very specific (a "deadly challenge" doesn't tell us anything), and the second part introduces a whole new element to the story that is unnecessary in this query letter.

I would start that paragraph with "Pursued by a faceless enemy, Nedd is unaware that..."

And then I would take out this sentence: "As the realm is threatened by the enemy’s growing power and determination, Nedd rises to his calling and frees a captive army, leading them toward a hopeless battle against darkness." It's a lot of information, and a lot of words, and the main thrust of this last paragraph, in my opinion, should be that Marian has the power to save Nedd and the kingdom, and that the brother and sister's destinies are intertwined. We don't need to know at this point all of the other details you have in the above sentence.

So, for what it's worth: I would start out with a hook that's more related to the rest of the story. And then keep what you have in the second paragraph. And then take out those two sentences in the last paragraph.

Obviously, feel free to ignore all of this. (If you want to post a revised version, make a new thread, though, because this one is hard to find!) Good luck with this -- it sounds like a terrific story. I love brother and sister stories.

[A Writer]

Thank you, Bea! You know, I didn't like the word "redefined" either, but couldn't come up with anything else. "Shaken" is a much better word!

Thank you, Bart! Wow, you really put some time into this for me -- I'm deeply grateful. I'll be referring to your notes as I work on this later today.

Dang, I'm back to the hook. P I guess I've really got to get Nedd into that first sentence. He isn't a "side story" at all.

The back story is: Seveth Bay was conquered by Delthe a century ago, and all of her young men at age 16 are required to fight for the Delthian Army (it's not an option). That's why Nedd marches north -- he's conscripted.

OK, I'm gonna work on this some more.

Bart -- I owe you one!

[Bart Scrivener]

I would say that he's conscripted then. That adds even more conflict. He has to fight for a cause he doesn't believe in.

Look forward to the next draft....

[Simon Says]

AW

I agree with Bart that there's too much information and detail in this query.

I also feel that there's something missing. That is, you have given no feel for who Marian is. You say her life is quiet, but you say nothing about her - who she is, what she's like. You state what her goal is - but what obstacles are in her way? Both external and internal? What must she overcome within herself in order to be successful?

I agree that the story sounds good, but you have not delivered a fresh enough query - the elements you focus on are part and parcel of any number of fantasy stories - you could simply replace the "stone' with a "sword" or "jewel" or a "grail". What is it about these characters and this journey that is different and unique?