Yes...Another Query for Review...

[Brandon H.]

Hi there...if anyone would want to, I would welcome any opinions or suggestions about my query letter here for my book. I have lurked around here before and always found this place to be quite helpful, so I thought I'd ask.

I've gone through different versions of it, and I consider it to be my "strong but concise" query letter. It, along with the typical address information, would all fit onto a single page while using 12 point font.
Again, opinions and suggestions are welcome. Thank you.

Dear (so and so),

The Way the Wave Flows is a completed 197,478 word historical fantasy that takes place in an alternate 14th and 17th century Japan, where mythology is reality while the concepts of good and evil bleed into shades of gray. It is specifically targeted for audiences looking for a refreshing setting in the fantasy genre, sans the cliches but long in attaining the balance of the fantastic with the realistic.

In The Way the Wave Flows Japan carries its ancient name of Oyashimakuni. There are no heroes nor villains, only people. It asks if in life if anyone really is right, drawn by a character-driven, not setting-driven plot. This plot revolves upon the central concepts of sexuality, death, and existence itself. Likewise, these three loads are carried upon the backs of a trio of main characters. One a former shrine maiden confronted with an uncertain future after losing her livelihood, the next a Buddhist nun whose fears are as vague as her mind, and finally an aimless ronin (masterless samurai) who simply seeks his own death. The world views of these three and their interactions with all they come across sews together a symphony of loss, mystery, memories, philosophy, and the human condition that finally culminates in whether or not said condition continues to exist.

Found also within the novel is a detailed history of the Gempei War of Japan, a thread of two years worth of research into Japanese history, mythology, and culture.

Full manuscript available upon request. Enclosed with this letter is a SASE for your convenience. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Brandon (rest of name)

[Ed Poe]

In spite of the staggering number of words oh-so-casually mentioned, I liked your first paragraph.

In the next paragraph I had to read the first sentence two or three times to figure out what you were trying to say. That's not good. The trouble with this paragraph is that you really don't tell what happens, instead touching on the themes of the book.

Third paragraph. I'm not sure you could have made this sentence any more convoluted. Lose the passive voice. Better yet, lose this paragraph and incorporate it in the second one, if it is really needed.

How about making it a complete sentence and saying "THE full manuscript is available upon request."

Still, it sounds like an interesting project.

My $0.02.

--Ed

[Laura W]

It goes like so: either/or, neither/nor. Don't use nor unless you use neither. And I'm not so sure about stating there are no heroes or villians, only people. That sounds pretentious, especially when the next few words are "It asks if in life anyone is really right..." In fact, I'd take out that entire "life" sentence. I also don't like the "loads carried on the backs of the characters" sentence.

The concept of black and white evil blending into shades of gray sounds cliche to me. It makes it worse when you then state that your novel has no cliches. Don't brag too much about your novel; this usually does not help your case. Your query seems a bit "this is all about life itself and the importance and meaning of the human condition" which sets off some bells, but it could be better if you work with it.

I think your second paragraph could be great if you tighten it up and remove the second through sixth sentences.

"Found also within the novel" is really weak. Change this.

The third paragraph feels out of place. Work it into a single paragraph describing the plot.

As always, I struggle to be honest when commenting on a query without sounding too harsh. I thought it was, for the most part, well-written. With a little work I think you could have a great query. Good luck.

[Jane Forsman]

Brandon,

I would want something more concrete in your query letter to cling to in order to request a novel of your length (if I were an agent/publisher). When I say concrete, I'm referring to the plot, characters, etc. The query is vague, touching more on the concepts involved than the actual plot. I would rather that you introduce a main character or two and his/her conflict so that I have a sense of who will be leading me through this long, long novel.

If you're a first time author, then you might want to split this novel up into two (or even three) novels, creating a series. From what I've heard and read, most publishers and agents won't take on (most) first time authors with manuscripts over 120,000 words long (and that's really pushing it, even for fantasy; 100,000 is closer to the limit for most other novels). This is not always the case, but it might help you in the long run.

Good luck,

Jane

[Brandon H.]

Thank you everyone, your suggestions are noted and quite appreciated.

I do have to agree about my third paragraph, it really is not necessary, and what it takes up could be used to expand upon something else within the letter. Heh, I kinda debated keeping it myself beforehand. So I'm cutting that.

I looked it over again and I do see that in the fourth paragraph the first sentence would work better as a complete sentence, rather than a muttering, since that's what I sort of see that sentence as right now.

As for the second paragraph...I'm going to make a new one that will expand more upon the actual story and characters (including actually naming them in it), and if the letter goes to two pages it should still be fine, since it probably would not be a strict full two pages. The first paragraph I am considering keeping (since personally I do like it and think it rolls off well). At most I may just tweak it.
And if I still use the first sentence of the second paragraph I'll make it a bit different so that the title and the word Japan are not right next to each other...makes it read a bit awkward there I think.
I will also look over my MS and see if there might be a possibility of splitting it into two and working from there (because hey, if it works, it works, heh).
But anyways, thank you again your input. I shall be reworking my letter in a timely fashion, as is my fashion.

[Jill]

~200,000 WORDS??????? ACCKKKKK!!!

I assume this is your first novel since you are asking for query feedback. You will have a helluva time getting an agent to take that on; first novels over 100,000 are considered impossible sells, let alone novels twice that length!!

Your query is too long. A good query should only be 2 sentences; 75 words max. If you can't interest an agent/publisher in 75 words or less, you go in the circular file. Punch it up.

I agree w/ the above suggestion of turning it into a multivolume series. Also, since it is fantasy, you might try going it alone on this one----a lot of the SF/F publishers take unagented submissions, because oftentimes the advances from these publishers on first-time novels are too small for agents to bother with. I suggest:

Baen Books (respectable independent SF/F publisher, they publish a lot of longer fantasy novels & series; I think they even PREFER unagented subs)

Tor (very respectable subdivision of St. Martin's Press, a major NYC house, that also takes unagented subs).

Warner Books (I think they might still consider unagented subs)

[Brandon H.]

Heh, I am starting to see that it's total size probably will not be good in trying to procure everything. Have been looking over my MS to see how I might swing splitting it in two...have also been working on a reworked query for the full version, but I'm feeling it's too long perhaps, so I am tinkering still.
Something else I have been thinking is if it were split in two, and I only had to well, sell the first part in a query, that it would be easier to do than trying to sell and describe such a long novel as this is in a letter, without it being too long.
Really appreciate the feedback though. Thanks.

[Brandon H.]

Ah, and that it's up there should be its of course. Typos, lovely things, heh.