Synopsis Help

[Niniver]

I've been struggling for 3 days against asking for help, fearing ridicule; but then, I thought that with 'You-Know-Who' gone, I can dare ask. My query letter, the mss. and synopsis, except this first paragraph are ready for submission. So, here we go:

Kabul, 1940. There is no escape for twelve-year-old Ariana who is forced to marry the deposed ruler of a city-state, a wealthy man her grandfaher's age. She bears him three children, FATIMA, Sara, and Maryam before she dies at an early age. Fatima is the eldest and has seen too much to be good for any child. Those images percolate in her dreams as freakish, recurrent plays and strain into her daily life like oozing pus from a malignant wound that would not heal. When both her parents die within a year, she feels that God has punished her for witnessing what she should not have seen.

I appreciate your help, as always. Without your help, the submission would not have been possible.
N

[Marlys]

Niniver,

I'm confused after reading your synopsis. Is your book equally about Ariana and Fatima? If not, drop the Ariana part and expand the details about Fatima, such as giving us hints about what the heck she saw that she shouldn't have. Murder? Corruption? Extra-terrestrials? Gigli?

Also, starting with "Kabul,1940." gives me the impression that the setting of the book is there and then, when if it's Fatima's story it must be set later.

If, however, the book is a multi-generational saga following the experiences of first Ariana and then Fatima, perhaps that should be made clearer, with Ariana's part bulked up a bit.

Sounds interesting, depending on what Fatima saw... (a midnight werewolf hunt? Grandma cheating at bingo? evidence of a centuries-old religious conspiracy? oh, hell, there goes the rest of my day.)

[Niniver]

Marlys, thanks for the immediate response.
I think seeing Gigli would actually work in order to traumatize any child or adult, although, I haven't seen it.
Back to my synopsis:
Yes, the book is a multi-generational saga.
Regarding Ariana, the first paragraph is about the prologue, which is about the mother. It is important because it sets the tone for the entire book,since what Fatima has seen during her childhood (which is explained in the 2nd paragraph--mainly her father abusing minors, etc.) determines her actions later on in life.
I know that not having read the mss. or the entire synopsis, can be confusing; and that was the main reason, I hesitated to ask the board's help. What I need actually, are sentence structure and the way the paragraph is expressed. Is that too confusing? I'm sorry if it is. But, aside from downloading the entire 4 pages of the synopsis, which nobody would want, I can't be more forthcoming.
N

[Terez]

Niniver - you may want to shoot me for suggesting this, but have you thought of doing a one-page synopsis? So many books out there suggest a longer form, but from what I'm hearing, many agents/editors want nothing longer than a page. (Seems it's best to have a long synopsis and a short one.) I find it hard to comment on this, since it's just one paragraph and asks more questions than it answers. I, too, am confused about starting the synopsis with Ariana, if she isn't the main character.

That said, envisioning this as the first paragraph of a four pg document, the only line that strikes me as awkward would be the one that ends with: "...strain into her daily life like oozing pus from a malignant wound that would not heal."

That line is just a little too theatrical for a synopsis, IMO, and using the conditional at the end makes it confusing, too. Some would argue that it helps to incorporate a bit of style/writer's flair into the synopsis, so the agent/editor knows how you write, but it only served to distract me.

Anyway, the story sounds intriguing to me. I would just work on distilling more and making it sound more like a summary than the actual story writing. (Funny, eh? We work so hard not to summarize in fiction, but here in the synopsis, that's just what we have to do, albeit in a concise way.)

[pamC]

Niniver,

Everything Terez said! That one line grossed me out and made me stop reading for a minute...just a bit too visual.

I've also read that most agents and editors prefer shorter synopsis.

PamC

[Niniver]

Thank you Terez, Marlys, and Pam. You all made me realize why I felt so uneasy about the first paragraph, and why I hesitated so long to submit. I also had twinges and cringes when I read that sentence, but somehow thought that it would show the style of the writing. It might sound all right within the entirety of the novel, but not in the synopsis. Although, I think now that I might go back and have a second look at it.
Uff! Too much editing!!!
Thanks again.
N

[Gilbride]

Be sure the title, genre and word count are obvious in the first few lines.

[Niniver]

Gilbride,
But, but, wouldn't that be in the query letter?

[Gilbride]

Oops. Yeah this is a synopsis not a query. Must have been a late night. Although personally I still like them on the synopsis too because things get lost so easily and passed around. It's nice to be able to get everything you need out of one document.