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  1. #1
    George
    Guest

    New project, new query

    In a previous thread I mention I had been working on a new project. I have slaved away and have finished the project. I am now working on the query letter that I will be sending to agents for the new project. Please take a look and give me any helpful advice.

    Thanks,
    George



    THE CHRISTMAS JOURNAL is an inspirational 60,000-word work of fiction. It is the story of an older man and a teenage boy who become unlikely friends. The true identity of the older man is brought to light when miracles start happening shortly after giving the boy a journal for Christmas.

    Mr. Bowers is a stocky man who has an uncanny resemblance to Santa Clause, with a jolly demeanor to match. Tommy McFarland is the 13-year old new kid in town. It is Mr. Bowers who first makes Tommy feel welcomed in his new surroundings, and it is Tommy who fills Mr. Bowers last days with more happiness than he had ever known.


    On Christmas Eve, while lying on his deathbed, Mr. Bowers’s trembling hand holds out a beautifully wrapped Christmas gift. In a weak voice he instructs a very distraught Tommy to unwrap the gift. Wrapped in the beautiful Christmas paper is the most incredible journal ever seen by man; no other can match its beauty. The journal is no ordinary journal; it is a magical journal that writes its own story. On Christmas night the journal brings forth the most incredible miracle of all. But, only those who believe in them can witness the miracles.


    Those who read, The Christmas Box by Richard Paul Evans, published by Simon & Schuster 1994 will enjoy this story.

    Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.



  2. #2
    allison
    Guest

    Re: New project, new query

    The query sounds fine, but you have a minor comma problem. The line at the bottom shouldn't have a comma after "read" but you should have a comma after 1994, as in:

    Those who read The Christmas Box by Richard Paul Evans, published by S & S 1994, will enjoy this story.

    Also (and this is totally subjective) but there is something unnerving about the specificity of the title of The Christmas Box, the publisher and the year (unless you're the author). It sounds too much like you're trying to imitate Richard Paul Evans. Just a thought.

    Ally

  3. #3
    blipperton
    Guest

    Re: New project, new query

    In addition to the comma problem, you have wordiness, a passive construction, and two dangling modifiers. Your job is to become a writer and find and correct them on your own.

    A smart agent will count the errors in your letter and multiply them by the number of pages in your book. Unfortunately, that agent will then conclude that you know little about the writing process.

  4. #4
    Ron
    Guest

    Re: New project, new query

    Ain't that the truth.

  5. #5
    Davis
    Guest

    Re: New project, new query

    I am always amazed when someone mentions the passive voice as if it were one of the original sins.

  6. #6
    blipperton
    Guest

    Re: New project, new query

    Do we have any evidence that George knows what the passive voice is, when it might be appropriate, and how to effect it?

    If he knows none of this, would you still defend him? Would you call him a writer? Would you call yourself one?

    It always amazes me when somebody asserts that you don't have to know much about writing in order to be a writer.

  7. #7
    Davis
    Guest

    Re: New project, new query

    No, blipperton. You threw out, among the alleged wrong doings ("wordiness", "two dangling modifiers") the pithy "a passive construction", hence implying that the passive is per se a wrong construction to use.

    It still amazes me when someone throws out wide-sweeping statements and leaves them dangling for us to accept.

  8. #8
    blipperton
    Guest

    Re: New project, new query

    >>hence implying that the passive is per se a wrong construction to use<<

    It was wrong in this case. Now, if you are a writer, you will identify it and correct it for us.

  9. #9
    Davis
    Guest

    Re: New project, new query

    You don't seem to understand what I wrote. Try again. I used the indefinite article. Your implication was that the passive is wrong generally. You will have to learn to write unambiguously if you want your message to reflect what you mean.

    Now try again and enlighten us.

  10. #10
    blipperton
    Guest

    Re: New project, new query

    Go ahead. Identify the passive construction in George's query and fix it.

    You haven't even shown that you understand what passive voice is.

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