How this for a log-line/synopsis?

[Grant Meadows]

Would this catch YOUR attention?



(This is where the obligitory to\' and from\'s would go. Overlook it.)


<P ALIGN=\"center\"> <U>Redemption</u>
<P ALIGN=\"center\"> by Grant Meadows



Sex! Drugs! Murder! Betrayal! Alcohol! Loyalty! Horror! Forgiveness! Dread! Fear! Pride! Jealousy! Love! And Redemption!


Everything that makes life interesting, and turns the cogs of time, is found in these pages. From the very first sentence, to the very last word, a roller-coaster of emotions runs free, and unbridled.


Dr. Kenneth “Slim” Mathews, world-renowned surgeon, makes a decision that will change his world forever. Under tremendous pressure to perform, the price of his failure is divorce, exile, and insanity.


Turning to drugs, alcohol, and the hidden recesses of his mind, he escapes from the society that judges him, the sanity that binds him, and the reality that controls him. His only chance for redemption lies in the love, forgiveness, and charity of a ten-year old girl named Susie: Susie Mathews! The daughter he abandoned.


Following in the footsteps of King, Shamalayan, Rice, and Koontz, <u>Redemption</u> captivates with twists and turns at every page, and blind-sides the reader with an ending that cannot be anticipated. It will leave you chilled, and questioning your own existence.

[Elizabeth]

Grant

It's an intriguing-sounding story and it pricked my interest.

I think I'd take out all those exclamation marks in the first line- makes it look as though you're trying too hard to get attention.

Also, and this may be a British/American cultural difference, I wouldn't go overboard on singing the praises of your own book with phrases like "Everything that makes life interesting" is found in your book or that it "captivates with twists and turns at every page". That's for the agent/editor to say, not the author.

The two paras I read with most pleasure started:

"Dr. Kenneth “Slim” Mathews...."

"Turning to drugs, alcohol ..."
Elizabeth

[Julia]

yes and no
yes since you mention the 7 sins squared
why does he have to make the decision?
why must he perform? and perform what? a new sex act?
is he a gambler?
overextended his credit?
botched an operation?
promised a heart to the devil?
or must he do a surgery that he is ill equipped to do??
and why burden the 10 year old to give him redemption...whats her payoff?? surely not just because he is her dad.Since he abandoned her now he coming back as a drunk and broke??
and no because you say i will because you say I will questioned my own existence is reason for me to stay away..cant i choose what i take from it??
ok i liked it..enough to read and answer these questions and others I have
julia

[Karen Dionne]

Grant -

What's your intent with this? If this is written as a back-cover blurb meant to entice a book-buyer into purchasing your book, then it might work, but if this is meant as a query letter or a synopsis which is going to be sent to an agent, I think you're taking the wrong approach.

The logline (which is just one or two sentences) should be a quick summation of your book, i.e. "a flighty debutante learns the meaning of true love set against a backdrop of the Civil War (Gone with the Wind), or "a researcher's breeding plan backfires when the extraordinarily tiny and gentle jungle cat she smuggles into the country turns out to be anything but harmless." (That's the alternate logline for my novel, Whisper of the Cat. My best logline [the one I used to catch my agent and nineteen best-selling thriller authors who've promised to read my novel after it's published with a view to giving it a blurb] reveals my book's hook so I'm not going to post it here.) The logline should be clear, and not coy. It's more than a few catchy words strung together, it has summarize your story in a succinct, meaningful way.

Based on what you've told us, your logline appears to be something along the lines of "after a world-renowned surgeon turns to drugs to escape the pressure of performing, he finds redemption in the love of the ten-year-old daughter he abandoned." Is that what your book is about? If so, then cool - you conveyed information that to me very well. On the other hand, if you find yourself thinking I've missed the mark in my summation, then maybe you've left out a few crucial facts in yours.

The synopsis, of course, is much longer. An author ususally needs a one-page, three-page, and a ten or so-page version to fulfill the various agents' submission guidelines. But the important thing to remember about a synopsis is that the agent needs to know the WHOLE story - the beginning, middle, and end, as Bob K is fond of saying. :-) When the agent finishes reading the synopsis, they shouldn't be left wondering what the book is about. As you've written yours, you make it clear that your story is full of twists and turns and the ending is something the reader would never anticipate, but you haven't told the agent what any of that is. How can he decide if this is a book he can sell if he doesn't even know how it ends?

Point being, the logline and the synopsis are sales tools an author uses to interest an agent. Sure, they need to be written in a succinct, catchy way, but they're not meant to tease; they've got to convey meaningful information, and you've got to make every word count. Ironically, your synopsis isn't too long, but it's too wordy. Forget the redundant word pairings ("very first sentence, to the very last word;" "runs free, and unbridled;" "he escapes from the society that judges him, the sanity that binds him, and the reality that controls him;" "love, forgiveness, and charity;" and get to the point. Your synopsis is also laden with cliches, which again, only hint at what your story contains; they don't really tell anything of value: "cogs of time;" "roller-coaster of emotions;" "twists and turns at every page;" "blind-sides the reader." Tell the agent what your book is about and let him come up with these judgements on his own.

Whether you take any of my suggestions or not is entirely up to you, of course, but not matter what you do, please, please, please! lose the exclamation points! Overuse of exclamation points is one of the hallmarks of an novice writer, and using them will be a real turn-off.

Good luck with this -

Karen

[Pamela Taylor]

I think you could drop the first two paragraphs. The list is too long. I almost stopped reading after Alcohol! But I figured, what the heck there's only ten more and this guy is asking for help. Obviously, the concern is an agent/publisher isn't going to be as tolerant. Besides, I don't think the list really adds anything, since you explain it all a lot more clearly later. And, finally, it makes the book sound lurid, rather than interesting.

The second paragraph doesn't add much either. I agree that the hyperbolic description is likely to turn off an agent. In fact, these days when I read the back of a book with hyperbolic reviews from fellow authors/publishers weekly I tend to be turned off because it just rings false. I'd much rather read a sentence that says, I really liked this book. Or, it ain't great literature, but it kept my up all night, etc.

I also agree that we need to know what decision does the doctor make -- to quit hospital life and go private? To take a chance with a risky operation that fails? This needs to be a lot more specific.

And last but not least, if the price of the doctor's mistake is divorce, exile and insanity, then how can he be so desperate the escape the sanity that binds him? This made no sense to me..

Mostly, I think you are telling about your book rather than showing about your book. I would much rather read what the story is about rather than hype about how great it is. How does he meet his daughter again? Why does she alone forgive him, etc.

Pamela
PS. Definately drop the exclamation points. Even the one after Susie Meadows.

[Jonathan]

I agree with everyone who's suggested you drop the exclamation points. They're distracting and it looks as if you're yelling at the reader.

Also, don't "review" your own work in a query. Simply give the genre, summary, etc. Don't say how interesting you think it is -- that's up to the agent to decide, and he/she won't like being told what to think.

Other than that, it sounds intriguing. Keep us posted.

[Gary Kessler]

I agree with Karen. What you have is a cover blurb, not a synopsis. They serve two entirely different purposes. The cover blurb entices to find out more; the synopsis directly tells everything relevant. The synopsis goes to the agent/publisher--they want to know everything (succinctly): hook, line, and sinker. No teasing; no holding back.

[Lewis]

Using the term logline, most commonly connected with screenplays, and not usually used to describe a novel, is confusing, because you then have this set up as a novel.
If this is intended as a screenplay then you need to cut the logline down to 25 words or less.

[Grant Meadows]

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions. I guess I meant premise. I wouldn't send such a raw rendition for consideration.
I simply had an idea on Monday, so I knocked off 100 pages. I wanted to know if the content would bring curiosity.
When I get it finished, in a few weeks, I'll come back for a fine tuned "submitable" approach.
Thanks again.

[Karen Dionne]

Grant -

In other words, I spent 45 minutes yesterday morning critiquing and commenting on a "raw rendition" you had no intention of sending out for consideration? Thanks loads. Hope someone else is prepared to help you out next time you post on this, because you sure won't be hearing from me when you come back with your "submitable approach."

Man, do I feel like a chump.

Karen