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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2016
    Posts
    22

    Any help would be appreciated! Ross Rosalynn

    I have an eBook on Smashwords...... not a lot of activity. Made a zillion changes for the first marketing piece.
    Ross Rosalynn
    By Rita Saladano
    Adult
    Liz played with her straw, gripping on it like a man's junk, she waiting for the man across to make a move. He dressed in his two-piece suit; he was handsome and dangerous. She played her part right, and she was flirty and seductive, her stare was deadly.

    The man approached her, "Bartender, another one of whatever she is drinking. Make it two." Less
    Prologue

    The sky was profanely dark, a cold, windy night. Rosalynn ran, he ran not to get caught; he couldn't see, but he could hear the police sirens, they were many, they search for him, the black man on the run. The helicopter's propelled him to run faster. Sweat pour down his forehead. Branches slapped his face, as he pushed them out of his way, he jumped from the obstacles of broken branches on the ground. He could smell the leaves, his heart thumped. Rosalynn turned to see if they were following him. He could see the red white and blue from afar. His throat was dry, and he needed a break as he panted for breath which was uneven. Shivering under a tree trunk he hid.

    "I thought I saw him." The police officer said, "This way."
    The broken twigs above Rosalynn, who was holding his breath made him wince. Dirt dropped on his head, but Rosalynn didn't move an inch. They moved swiftly searching around. Rosalynn could smell the heavy cologne spread. The cops' keys rattled around making sounds as they clash together. Rosalynn closed his eyes to relax his breathing.

    The sound of boots disappeared, and Rosalynn was relieved. Coast was clear again, and he made a run for it.

    Elizabeth sat on the empty stool, drinking whiskey on the rocks. She drank like the world was ending. Before arriving at the bar, she walked dressed up with nowhere to go. Liz made her way to a regular bar. It sounded fun. It made her feel alive, and she was wild and free. Everyone loved Liz; she glowed to those who saw her. Liz didn't have a problem spreading her body around Georgia.

    Liz played with her straw, gripping on it like a man's junk, she waiting for the man across to make a move. He dressed in his two-piece suit; he was handsome and dangerous. She played her part right, and she was flirty and seductive, her stare was deadly.

    The man approached her, "Bartender, another one of whatever she is drinking. Make it two."

    Liz grabbed his tie, pulling it a little, "Pretty tie."

    "You want it?"

    She winked, "Everything I want I get."

    "Really." She pulled him closer, lips to lips. Her tongue playfully circled his lips. Her lips tasted of cherry. "I told you I get want I want. Want go to China town."

    Tim grinned back at her, "Take me to China town baby. I'm all yours."

    They made their way to a near hotel. Clothes quickly came off, shoes flew across the room, Tim and Liz jumped onto the soft mattress, bare naked. They drank the night away, Liz felt alive again, drinking and casual sex with a complete stranger.

    The thrill will subside, the feeling of being alive won't last, she would do it again tomorrow with someone new. With another conquest, she needed to feel, and she needed to hurt. How can she fear anything if she didn't have emotion left? She was dead inside. Tonight we drink, tonight we ****. She thought.

    Liz couldn't turn back, even while she slept she was never on her best behavior. She ruled her life no one else. Then why did the guilt creep? Did she make the most of the freedom but for how long?

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    Los Angeles, CA
    Posts
    394
    Hi Regina,
    I don't have much time but I'll give you a brief idea of my reaction while reading it.

    I bumped on the phrase "profanely dark" - I had no idea what you were trying to say about the sky with that description, I bumped on the name Rosalynn because it was a male and the only Rosalynn's I've ever known or heard or were women. It was a bit of jolt to go from Rosalynn running from the cops to Elizabeth in the bar. It felt like you made that jump too soon. And I would've like to stay with it a longer because it was more interesting than what you jumped to. I loved this sentence "She drank like the world was ending." Unfortunately nothing else that she said, did or the narrator described reflected that same feeling. I am someone who on occasion has had casual sex wth a total stranger, but I can't imagine going home with someone after the type of exchange they have - both the length and the content. There also wasn't a palpable connection. Just by looking at him Elizabeth thinks he's dangerous, but you need to give the audience that sense as well - if you choose to reveal it to them at this point. He's a handsome guy in a suit. The narrator doesn't describe anything that connotes danger. Neither does he in his words or action.

    Hope this is helpful and not to harsh.

    Simon

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