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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    INHERITANCE. Thriller/Suspense. Third revision.

    Dear Agent

    Now that she's of age, it is time for Faith Kensington to hunt and claim her first slave. But when the indomitable Roman Forrester seeks to sway her to his side, she will have to decide to forsake her destiny and forge her own or hold true to tradition and break their uncertain bond.

    Faith, only daughter of the Great Mother and future leader of Aster, is a loyal soldier, a protector of her peopleís borders, and a merciless killer when she has to be. But she has a secret. She neither wants her motherís position, nor the slave sheís coming to inherit.

    When Roman Forrester, a bruiser searching for his missing friend, awakes after being drugged, heís in a strange place and finds an unmovable piece of metal stuck to his chest. Soon, risking torture and death, he begins unraveling the true nature of his capture and the Great Motherís plans. Now, if only he can get his master, the beautiful and impossible, Faith Kensington, to believe him.

    Faith is torn between her family and tradition, and what she feels is the right action to takeóending slavery on Aster. She must decide if losing everyone and everything sheís ever known is worth fighting for Romanís kind.

    War is coming. Thereís no way around it. And aside from casualties lost, fighting Faithís family could mean he loses his only female ally along with his only chance at finding Trent.

    Choices arenít always easy and paths not always paved. And in a place where secrets are rife, loyalty runs deep, and plots are devised in the shadows, both sides will lose.

    INHERITANCE is a two-person point of view, 100,000 word, Suspense/Thriller, Dystopia, that takes revenge to the extreme. I am currently working on earning my B.A. in English while writing my next book.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    May 2015
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    Elkins Park PA
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    Your first problem, is that you're talking as though the reader knows the situation, the people, and the society. But they don't, can't, unless you make them know it. You opened by saying, "now that she's of age." Knowing their society, this is meaningful to you. But what does the term "of age" mean to her? Unless we know that, it tells us little.

    You say it's time for her to hunt and claim her first slave. But what is a slave in her society? How does one hunt and trap one? Where does one hunt and trap one? Is there danger? Without knowing that there's no emotional content, knowledge of danger and risk, or anything to make the statement meaningful.

    You call Mr. Forrester indomitable. But then two paragraphs later he's a bruiser. That doesn't seem to track. But more than that, you say he seeks to sway her to his side. His side of what? Unless we know that, the term is meaningless.

    Unfortunately the piece continues that way: meaningful to you, but not to the reader.

    When you write a query the object is to make the reader want to turn to page one and begin reading. We don't give them a synopsis, we give them punch in the gut—impact, not information. Think in terms of a theatrical trailer. Tell them who the hero is, why he, uniquely, must solve the story's problem. Make them know why the problem is impossible to solve, and the penalty for failure.

    You might want to look at some sites like Queryshark. Another good one is the old Miss Snark, column.

    Another point worth mentioning: no one cares about the number of point of view characters a story has. What matters is the writing. As for you, they only want to know about your background if it is relevant to the genre or type of story setting. And you don't have to tell them you're writing another book. You're a writer, so of course you're writing another book. As a minor point a lot of agents want to see this information first, because if the length is wrong, or the genre is wrong for that agency, they prefer to know that up front, so they don't waste time reading something that they wouldn't be interested in the matter how well-written.

    Something else to keep in mind: you're someone unknown. No shame in that, certainly. But you have no following, which means that if your work is as good as that on the market today you will not sell as well as someone whose name is known. So you don't have to write "just as good as." you have to be especially good, because they already have "just as good as.". And what that means, in practical terms, is that if I took 10 pages of your manuscript, and mixed it with 10 pages of books on the shelves today, if the one receiving the manuscript can tell the unpublished writer by reading the manuscripts, you have no chance.

    Not good news, I know. But it is the world we live and work in. And it means that when you send the work you have to have polished it till it shines. You have to know what a publisher views as good/bad writing, and why. You have to know your craft, the structure of a novel on the page, as against on the screen. In other words, you're competing with pros, so you must prepare yourself to compete with pros. It's not easy, but if you are meant to be a writer, you'll enjoy it.

    Hang in there, and keep on writing.

    Jay Greenstein

  3. #3
    Junior Member
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    Sep 2016
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    Thank you. I will continue to study and revise.

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