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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Sep 2016
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    Query review request. Unrelated.

    When Faith Kensington comes to the age of her inheritance, she expects her hunt to be no different than those of her elders, but what, or rather who, she unknowingly brings back with her will ultimately change everything, pitting tradition and a culture against morality. INHERITANCE is a 100,000 word, New Adult, Dystopia, taking feminism to the extreme, that I believe will fit well under your representation.

    Faith is a loyal soldier, a protector of her people—a group of women who serve a thousand-year agenda—and a merciless killer. She also happens to be the only daughter of the great Mother Margaret, and stands next in line to lead her all female society on the virtually undetected island of Aster. But Faith has a secret. She neither wants her mother’s position, nor the slave, Roman Forrester, she’s coming to inherit. She’d rather patrol the borders of Aster and live independently.

    When Mother insists upon Faith’s climb to rule, pushing her to take lead on the slave hunts, and her island sisters go as far as to procure a slave for her when she refuses, Faith is caught between what her mother and her people want her to be and what Roman demands she must be.

    Roman, a bruiser who doesn’t know when to quit, begins unraveling the true nature of his capture, and sinister secrets begin to spill when Faith happens upon a set of files in her mother’s office.

    Finding herself consumed within a maze of violence, lies, and an unlawful romance, Faith must now choose whether to follow the path that Roman has paved, and possibly learn the truth lying behind the blunt veil of loyalty, or ignore his ramblings, punish his outbursts, and continue on her quest to leadership.

    I’ve been seriously writing for three years and INHERITANCE is my second fully finished manuscript with series potential. My first book, THE REDDER, an adaptation of the fabled Pandora legends, is out in the world of agent review now. I am currently working on earning my B.A. in English while writing my next book.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.



  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    as to procure a slave for her when she refuses,
    period after her or "and when"

    I’ve been seriously writing for three years and INHERITANCE is my second fully finished manuscript with series potential. My first book, THE REDDER, an adaptation of the fabled Pandora legends, is out in the world of agent review now.
    No point telling them about your other books unless they're published and sold a bunch of copies.

    I see a lot of the same problems as your other query. The first line is long and confusing because as Greenstein would say, the reader doesn't know who they're supposed to be, so we have no idea what these hunts are.

    Really I think your opening needs to do something to introduce your world, like "As daughter of the Great Mother, Faith Kensington is supposed to take a slave and eventually rule her all-female tribe, but that's the last thing she wants."

    Like Jayce said, go to Query Shark, Agent Query, etc and see examples of queries for more ideas.

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