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  1. #11
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    RVS. Hi. Welcome to the site.

    Unfortunately, I agree with all the critiques so far. Jay described the story as having a "monotone" and the feel of a "report". Part of the reason for this is that, other than the characters' movement, you don't describe what's happening in enough detail. For instance, are they fighting on dirt? When Hunter gets up, does he stir up a puff of dirt with him? Does his feet slip in trampled grass? Is the ground a sand substance? Is the sun shining in his eyes?

    Jayce thinks you may need to begin your story elsewhere; I don't know. But if you begin with the sword practice, you need to create some tension. Since Hunter is the POV character, what does he have to lose? To gain? Does he really want to beat Max just once? Whatever it is, it should be important to Hunter.

    Also, the emotion isn't coming through. If Hunter is your POV character in this scene you should describe things as he sees them, and smells them, and hears them. You don't have enough of the five senses in this story. You might consider using first person, IMO.

    My two cents, for what it's worth.

    Good luck!!
    Last edited by The Tinman; 09-27-2016 at 02:26 PM.

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