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  1. #11
    Rogue Mutt
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    He could save time and effort and just read your standard critique in this thread.



  2. #12
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    Thanks again Rogue!

  3. #13
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    Thanks Mr. Greenstein.

  4. #14
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    Fellow Writers,

    I went back to the drawing board to work my 3rd re-draft; I think this is a definite improvement based on the recommendations given:

    Dear Agent,

    UNIVERSAL MAN RULE #1_ The foremost purpose of sex is to procreate! Never have unprotected sex, unless you are ready to fulfill the responsibilities that come with reproduction.

    When Kaleb Diamond neglects his self-imposed set of rules – The Universal Man Rules- he suffers with great consequence. He wants nothing more than to return to his nomadic life as an international pleasure-seeker, but his most recent blunder can cost him the very independence he values more than anything material.

    Although Kaleb considers himself an honorable man, he finds himself increasingly tempted to adopt a more rascally approach in his attempt to salvage what control he has of his future. Standing in his way are meddlesome parents, jealous third-parties, a painful past, and the terrifying realization that he might father the child of a woman who loves him.

    At 93,000 words, please consider representing PACFIC DIAMOND: X-Rated Confessions of an Honorable Womanizer - the first book in a trilogy of fictional works - which carry the qualities of a male-centric Romance that can be comedic at times. This novel appeals to readers of bestselling authors Tucker Max, and Neil Strauss.

    As a military veteran, this is my first venture into the world of authorship. This experience has been therapeutic since it’s loosely based on (exaggerated) events in my life.

    Following are the <> of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

    With regards,
    P.T. DUNN
    Last edited by P.T. DUNN; 08-25-2016 at 12:51 PM. Reason: 2 CORRECTIONS

  5. #15
    Rogue Mutt
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    You're still being coy with all these vague, empty phrases: he suffers with great consequence, his most recent blunder can cost him the very independence he values more than anything material, tempted to adopt a more rascally approach in his attempt to salvage what control he has of his future, and so on. These don't really tell the reader anything about the character or story.

  6. #16
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    Rogue,

    I re-worked the hook, and sold it as primarily humor fiction; here's my latest stab:

    UNIVERSAL MAN RULE #1_ The foremost purpose of sex is to procreate! Never have unprotected sex, unless you are ready to fulfill the responsibilities that come with reproduction.

    When Kaleb gets the worst news of his life-that hes going to be a father-he desperately tries to make sense of his fate. Hes now headed down the dreaded path of compliant family man with a woman hes only known for three weeks. On top of that he has to contend with a life threatening disease, a billionaire heiress, meddlesome parents, and jealous third parties, who will stop at nothing to end his union with Pandora Lee.

    Kaleb will have to rely on his self-imposed Universal Man Rules, while navigating the complex social and emotional quagmires to which he is now the nucleus. Throughout his outrageous affairs, his main priority is to protect Pandora and their unborn child from the negative Karma that ironically he is most responsible for creating. If Kaleb is to survive with his dignity, and soul intact, he must somehow abandon his sexual addictions, sociopathic tendencies, and gain the wisdom he needs to be the father he never had.

    I am seeking representation for my humor fiction novel, PACIFIC DIAMOND: X-Rated Confessions of an Honorable Womanizer. This 93,000-word tale was inspired by real events in my younger years as an emotional whore, who lived for the conquest of both vaginas and hearts. Admittedly, I somehow managed to mature before incurring any permanent repercussions; Kaleb Diamond on the other hand

    I am excited to share my first novel with you, which I feel will appeal to readers of bestselling authors Tucker Max, and Neil Strauss. Thank you for your time and consideration.

    //BREAK//

    I think the tone best captures the content of the manuscript, that's why I'm leaning towards humor.
    Last edited by P.T. DUNN; 08-26-2016 at 06:27 AM. Reason: corrections

  7. #17
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    You're definitely getting better. I have a real problem with the title; I wish you could think of something better that gets the "comedy" part across. Also, I'd rethink injecting personal info that doesn't bear on your qualifications. IMO. Good luck

    PS: I think the idea of posting a few hundred words of the novel is a great idea.

  8. #18
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    Tinman,

    Thanks for the feedback (& patience for a newbie such as myself); I'm extremely grateful to get all of this useful input prior to my 3rd wave of query letters.

    So, just a couple things to give some perspective...

    I had the manuscript professionally edited and critiqued by a published author/editor, whose feedback was "she found herself laughing out loud at times" & found it funny, therefore she would place it in either the Romance or Humor genre for submission. The kicker is, despite some (at times) outrageous descriptive devices, I never intended it to be funny. In fact, one of her objections was the very tragic ending which my reader won't see coming. This sets up the air perfectly for the 2nd & 3rd books, which are dark at times. Make no mistake, the novel is very graphic, raw, and very heavy material. Based on her feedback, I've primarily submitted in the Romance genre thus far.

    The original title of the novel was SWITCH: PACIFIC DIAMOND, which paid homage to the over-arching theme of the trilogy. The feedback I got from another forum (more condescending than helpful) was that the title was too vague, and needed something more explicit to prepare the reader for what they were about to encounter. Thus, the title change.

    I'll post a chapter, if that would help...just need to figure out where on the forum.

    I think the challenge comes from the varying resources and opinions that are out there, which sometimes offer conflicting advice, resulting in a very confusing and daunting task of sorting what would apply best to my novel, especially as a virgin novelist.

    Yesterday, I purposefully strolled through Barnes & Nobles, envisioning where my book would be placed & couldn't imagine it sandwiched between 2 Harlequin novels. It felt more at home near "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell", but it gets way heavier and more real than what Tucker Max is offering.

    I'll post the first chapter tonight... I would say "do your worst", but I'm already sensitive from all those rejections lol...jk.

    With Humility,
    P.T. DUNN

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by P.T. DUNN View Post
    Tinman,
    I think the challenge comes from the varying resources and opinions that are out there, which sometimes offer conflicting advice, resulting in a very confusing and daunting task of sorting what would apply best to my novel, especially as a virgin novelist.
    I sometimes think trying to help people with their writing does more harm than good. Tastes are subjective. In the end there is no substitute for experience, and you have to write the book for yourself.

    I'll go look at your excerpt, but I'm about as qualified to judge written comedy or romance as I am to do brain surgery. Again, good luck!

  10. #20
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    Thanks anyway Tinman; your input was very much appreciated!

    You can check my excerpt out in the writing critique section.

    P.T. DUNN

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