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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Please Critique My Query

    Fellow Writers,

    Below is the latest draft of my query letter. I appreciate any honest feedback or means of improvement, before I send out my next wave of queries. Thanks in advance!

    Dear Mr./Ms. <insert agent name>,
    I am writing to you to seek representation for my recently completed fiction Romantic Comedy novel, Pacific Diamond: X-Rated Confessions of an Honorable Womanizer the first in a trilogy. Pacific Diamond is a 93,000-word tale about Kaleb Diamond, who loves having causal flings with beautiful women, and this leaves him faced with some difficult choices about his future.
    Kaleb, a self-proclaimed Alpha Male and lothario, relies on his Universal Man Rules during his navigation of complicated social and romantic quagmires he often finds himself in. He travels the Pacific leaving an international trail of philandering aftermaths which bring about more baggage than this rascal cares for. As Kaleb will soon learn, his actions along with unanticipated life changing events, require more than a set of rules to take control of his affairs and become a man worthy of respect.
    As a military veteran, I am admittedly new to the publishing world and this is my first literary endeavor. Writing this novel has been a bit therapeutic, since its loosely based on (exaggerated) events that truly occurred in my life.
    My next step is to align myself with a literary agent who can maximize the potential of my work and help give it an audience. I greatly appreciate you considering this invitation to represent me and my books for publication.
    I look forward to hearing from you.
    Sincerely,

    P.T. DUNN

  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
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    The most important thing is you need to provide a better idea what exactly happens in your book. This is really too vague about what sort of challenges he faces. There are sites like Agent Query, Query Shark, and so forth where you can see examples of queries that might help you see what it is you need to do.

  3. #3
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    As a hook you may want to start with one of the rules. i.e. Universal Man Rule #15 then give the rule and jump into the consequences/complications/consequences that follow it. Also if your book is a comedy, then that should be reflected in the tone of the query.

  4. #4
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    Thanks Simon! That's a brilliant idea. I previously thought of it but lacked the courage to execute, not wanting to come across cheesy in my pitch; your input gives me new legs to re-draft.

  5. #5
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    Thanks Rogue! I checked out Query Shark and I got the gist of what's required.

  6. #6
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    Fellow Writers,

    Here is the re-draft:


    Dear Mr./Ms. <insert agent name>,

    UNIVERSAL MAN RULE #13_ When in a compromised situation, your smaller head may prove superior to the larger one. If one must survive the error of his cock, he must do so long before it’s erect. It’s the only way to elude nature’s intended handicap.

    Kaleb Diamond has a particular set of rules.

    Of course, it doesn’t matter that these Universal Man Rules wreak social havoc on the women he claims to love- as long as Kaleb scores the lay.

    Kaleb Diamond considers himself an honorable man.

    These rules aren't trivial; in fact, they were born from life lessons with the intent of removing panties, but preserving hearts

    Kaleb Diamond lives for the sexual conquest of seemingly unattainable beautiful women.

    This self-proclaimed Alpha Male and lothario travels the Pacific leaving an international trail of philandering aftermaths which bring about more baggage than this rascal cares for.

    Kaleb Diamond has some major issues.

    As Kaleb will soon learn, his actions along with unanticipated life changing events, require more than a set of rules to take control of his affairs and become a man worthy of respect.

    Pacific Diamond: X-Rated Confessions of an Honorable Womanizer is a 93,000-word Romantic Comedy tale about this severely broken man. This qualifies as my first novel of a trilogy.

    Thanks you for your consideration and time.

    P.T.DUNN

  7. #7
    Rogue Mutt
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    I think you should phrase that rule in a little less R-rated fashion, at least for the query. The rest is still vague. What sort of trouble does he get into? Does he get a woman pregnant? Does a woman stalk him? Try to kill him? Enquiring minds want to know.

    I can't help thinking of the Tom Cruise character in Magnolia who held seminars teaching men how to be more manly and get laid. And then we find out about his troubled relationship with his father, showing us the vulnerability behind the tough facade. Maybe you've got something like that going on?

    And it should be "Thank you" not "Thanks you." Just saying.
    Last edited by Rogue Mutt; 08-17-2016 at 01:07 AM.

  8. #8
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    Rogue, thanks for the feedback... do you think it wise to align myself with an agent who's comfortable with that language? I ask this simply because the contents of the novel is pretty raw (pretty graphic at times). Also, I'm having trouble walking the line between pitching the query vs presenting a mini-synopsis, which I heard is a big peeve of agents; how much of the plot is too much in the query? Any advice or experience as a fellow writer would be greatly appreciated!

    BTW, after visiting your website, I can understand your affinity for my handle, P.T. DUNN. <GR8 MINDS THINK ALIKE>

  9. #9
    Rogue Mutt
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    Quote Originally Posted by P.T. DUNN View Post
    Rogue, thanks for the feedback... do you think it wise to align myself with an agent who's comfortable with that language? I ask this simply because the contents of the novel is pretty raw (pretty graphic at times). Also, I'm having trouble walking the line between pitching the query vs presenting a mini-synopsis, which I heard is a big peeve of agents; how much of the plot is too much in the query? Any advice or experience as a fellow writer would be greatly appreciated!

    BTW, after visiting your website, I can understand your affinity for my handle, P.T. DUNN. <GR8 MINDS THINK ALIKE>
    What you want to do is give an overview of your story. Who is your character? What does he want? What prevents him from achieving his goal? For example, you could start with one of the rules and then something like: Kaleb Diamon has designed a foolproof set of rules to keep himself satisfied while not breaking any hearts. But when [something happens to change his situation] he finds his system isn't as foolproof as he thinks. Now he has to try to make things right [somehow].

    That's just spitballing since I don't know the details of your story. You can check out Agent Query, Query Shark, etc. for examples of successful (and unsuccessful) queries to get an idea of how much you need to include.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
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    Given that you were a bit fuzzy on the form of a query, before you send it out, you might want to post a few hundred words to see if the story is ready to be queried.

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