HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Results 1 to 5 of 5

Hybrid View

  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    5

    Query Letter Critique

    I am seeking representation for my new thriller novel, “Insane Jane”. The finished manuscript has 51,428 words. I am currently working on the second book in the” Insane Jane” series.

    Jane Locke works as a sales rep. for Manchester Insurance a company with a dark secret. When Jane comes across a ledger containing the names and dates of every policy holder who was denied a claim dating back to World War II the company takes immediate steps to keep their secret and secure the ledger. The company hires a group of men to steal the ledger and kidnap Jane, locking her away in a basement, in a cabin, in the middle of the woods.

    But Jane has her own dark secret - Jane is a serial killer.

    Now the prey is about to become the predator as one by one the kidnappers run around trying to survive her own sick and twisted game of cat and mouse.

    “Insane Jane” is a dark comedy thriller with several twists as Jane comes face to face with her past. One she had long since forgotten, but will realize no matter how hard she tries she can never run from her past.

    I have currently self-published three books online, “The Pink Sneakers Club”, “Sometime Around Midnight”, and “Angel’s Breath”.

    Thank you for considering this proposal and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

    Christian Bertoni

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    1,142
    Quote Originally Posted by Rook View Post
    I am seeking representation for my new thriller novel, “Insane Jane”. The finished manuscript has 51,428 words. I am currently working on the second book in the” Insane Jane” series. (This paragraph--called "housekeeping" should be rewritten and placed next-to-last. See below. Specifically, put title in all caps, round the word count to the nearest thousand, and an agent knows why you're sending them a query letter.)

    Jane Locke works as a sales rep. (no period) for Manchester Insurance, (insert COMMA) a company with a dark secret. (A query letter is no place to be coy; tell what the secret is--they're a mob front? a terrorist banker? what?) When Jane comes across a ledger containing the names and dates of every policy holder who was denied a claim dating back to World War II the company takes immediate steps to keep their secret and secure the ledger. (First, this sentence is way too long--39 words--and must be broken up. Mainly, though, why is this a "secret"? and who cares? Probably every insurance company keeps track of such information.) The company hires a group of men to steal the ledger (so Jane took the ledger? why? Seems like the company would just ask for it back) kidnap Jane, locking her away in a basement, in a cabin, in the middle of the woods. (I'm not understanding the underlying motive of the bad guys. And if what Jane has learned is so damning, why doesn't she go to the state insurance commissioner? or the cops?)

    But Jane has her own dark secret - Jane is a serial killer. (whoa! Nice twist.)

    Now the prey is about to become the predator as one by one the kidnappers run around trying to survive her own sick and twisted game of cat and mouse. (This is all "telling"; show us an example or two that illustrates how deadly Jane becomes.)

    “Insane Jane” is a dark comedy thriller with several twists as Jane comes face to face with her past. ("Telling again. What's in Jane's past that we should know that makes your story engaging and different?) One she had long since forgotten, but will realize no matter how hard she tries she can never run from her past. (axe this sentence. We need to know what Jane's stakes are, who is against her, and what she stands to gain or lose.)

    I have currently self-published three books online, “The Pink Sneakers Club”, “Sometime Around Midnight”, and “Angel’s Breath”. (Agents only want to know about your paid credits; self-publishing means nothing to them. If you have no credits, leave this part out.)

    Thank you for considering this proposal and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience. Axe this; insert your rewritten para. 1 and closing line:

    INSANE JANE is a 51,000-word (this is kinda short) crime novel with series potential.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.


    Christian Bertoni
    This may come across as brutal, but QLs have a certain format. Visit QueryShark for tons of examples critiqued by a genuine agent.

  3. #3
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    I agree with pretty much everything Jane said. What's so important about the ledger? Did they deny claims they should have honored? Is there someone famous in there? Enquiring minds want to know! As far as self-publishing books, only mention them if you sold a ton of copies, otherwise it's a sign that you can't sell books, so why would they want you as a client?

  4. #4
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    5
    Good point thanks

  5. #5
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Rogue Mutt View Post
    I agree with pretty much everything Jane said.
    Oops, I meant everything jayce said

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts