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  1. #11
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Aah...good, good. I had no idea sentences of dialog were abnormal. So:

    Denise brought bratwurst, buns, and pop to the party.

    is a "normal" sentence, and the commas don't really matter as much?



  2. #12
    Rogue Mutt
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    Are you just bereft of material to glean for your website or is it that you're really bored?

    is a "normal" sentence, and the commas don't really matter as much?
    If you didn't put the comma after "sentence" I wouldn't bother calling you out on it. That's what I'm talking about. And some people don't use the Oxford comma; I wouldn't make a fuss about that so much either. Like this article says:
    Use of the Oxford comma is stylistic, meaning that some style guides demand its use while others don’t. AP Style—the style guide that newspaper reporters adhere to—does not require the use of the Oxford comma.
    So yeah, that.

  3. #13
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Ahh...so:

    Denise brought bratwurst, buns, and pop to the party.

    is abnormal like a sentence of dialogue and requires commas then?

    By the way, the comma in my sentence that you wouldn't make a fuss about was not an Oxford comma. In other words, it wasn't just "stylistic".

    However, the comma after "buns" is an Oxford comma.

    Just sayin'.
    Last edited by John Oberon; 07-21-2016 at 09:56 AM.

  4. #14
    Rogue Mutt
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    Quote Originally Posted by John Oberon View Post
    Ahh...so:

    Denise brought bratwurst, buns, and pop to the party.

    is abnormal like a sentence of dialogue and requires commas then?

    By the way, the comma in my sentence that you wouldn't make a fuss about was not an Oxford comma. In other words, it wasn't just "stylistic".

    However, the comma after "buns" is an Oxford comma.

    Just sayin'.
    Well I did say:
    And some people don't use the Oxford comma; I wouldn't make a fuss about that so much either.
    The "And" and "either" implying it was separate from the previous sentence.

    I can't wait to see all this on your website. Hahaha

  5. #15
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Nah...not interesting enough.

  6. #16
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    No, it's just for my friend. I may share with others if they want a copy. It's all for fun.

  7. #17
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    Thanks for the critique. I know some of the words need to be changed I just haven't figured out what I'm going to replace them with yet. I don't want a normal curse word, at first it said 'armpit of a planet' but I didn't like that. I want something that sounds like it could be from Star Wars or another sci-fi story. I don't like 'buckskin' either, but like the other word, it's a place holder until I find something better. The Tim Potty reference was just an attempt to add humor. The original spelling was Tom Petty. I was re-reading it one day and changed the two letters on impulse.
    There are two main things I am unsure of.

    1. Do I need to be more descriptive?

    2. I am trying to avoid using 'he said', 'she said', 'said Dav', 'said Camie'. It's something that kind of annoys me. When I read silently, I find myself ignoring those words, but I also listen to audio books where they are always spoken. They seem out of place. I'm sure I'm just weird but I would like to avoid this as much as possible. I try to convey an action by the character so the reader knows who is speaking. I don't know if this is a good idea or if I should just give in and use the tradition forms of identifying the speaker.

    I was definitely confused about those commas. Thanks for letting me know.

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ledopmi View Post
    I try to convey an action by the character so the reader knows who is speaking. I don't know if this is a good idea or if I should just give in and use the tradition forms of identifying the speaker.
    Here are the "actions" you used to identify the speaker in the last ten or so paragraphs:

    Dav glances at her
    Dav looks questioningly at her
    Camie chuckles
    Dav laughs
    Camie grins back
    Camie, seemingly lost in thought, replies
    Camie, snapping out of her trance responds


    These are empty calories. You implied it yourself that said tends to disappear (that's pretty much universal); for sure, a simple said is far less intrusive that annoyingly trivial actions. If you feel compelled to use action tags, at least give them story value.

  9. #19
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    The Planet Tatooine: a hot, desolate wasteland, where scorching winds carve massive dunes across an arid surface. Twin yellow suns sit high in a pale blue sky, baking the glistening skin of an ebony land speeder, as it skims across the broiling sand. Davisco Drow sits confidently at the controls of the Black Rat, dark sunglasses masking his ice blue eyes. Tim Pottyís Running down a Dream is blasting from the Ratís sound system as the Jet Sound signal processorís visual display dances with the beat of the music.
    Basically, this, and the entire opening section, is an info-dump on the setting of a film the reader can't see. And your protagonist is ignoring it, so why does it matter to a reader? Remember, they came to be entertained, and you used 761 words before the protagonist gets out of the car in setting the scene by telling the reader about things no one in the story cares about. So in the first three manuscript pages not a damn thing that matters happens.

    You're trying to write a story, but you're still thinking in cinematic terms. But no matter how accurately you describe the scene, you give only a fraction of what people would get in an eyeblink were it a film. You've described a single static frame in that time but in the time it takes to read that description the film version would have shown the entire section you posted and much more.

    That's why we can't use the skills of one medium in another if that medium doesn't support it. We can give visual details on the page, of course, but because things must be described one item at a time, we have to limit that description to what absolutely matters to the plot, character development, and scene setting the directly supports those first two.

    The short version: Since the medium differs the skills must, too, and you need them. Here's one example of the kind of things you need.

    Hang in there, and keep on writing.

    Jay Greenstein

  10. #20
    Rogue Mutt
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    Basically, this, and the entire opening section, is an info-dump on the setting of a film the reader can't see.

    Unless they've seen Star Wars Episodes I, II, III, IV, and VI. Which the intended reader surely has.

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