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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2016

    query letter critique

    Seattle native Marcy Donaldson didn’t expect to find the man of her dreams at church. And she certainly didn’t expect to find him behind the pulpit.

    Despite his vow of celibacy, sparks fly between Marcy and Father Cedric Briar. When WWII ends and he has to return to the Midwest, Marcy follows him to the frozen, isolated farm town of Brannaska, MN, where everyone knows everyone’s business, and the Bible is the law of the land.

    Suspecting the heathen hanky panky, Marcy’s new neighbor considers it her mission to uncover the secret romance…and has invited the Bishop to help investigate. And suspecting that Marcy is a sexual being, hunky local farmer, Francisco Montana, aims to seduce her.

    If the two lovers come clean, there will be hell to pay for Cedric. And if they manage to keep it a secret, all the sneaking around may end up driving a fed-up Marcy into a new set of willing and muscly arms. One thing’s for sure, though. When the storm of the century hits Brannaska, escape is not an option.

    By turns sweet and charming, lusty and erotic, nostalgic and forbidden, [TITLE] hits that sweet spot between Nicholas Sparks and Danielle Steele.


  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
    You don't have much of a hook. Here's a thread I started about using a technique of Greenstein's hero to come up with a short summary of your book. It boils down to: Situation + Character + Objective + Opponent + Obstacle

    In this case it'd be like: Marcy has found the love of her life, but he's a Jesuit priest. (character and situation) To remain together, they have to keep their nosy neighbor from finding out. But when the storm of the century hits, it becomes much more difficult.

    Here's a sort of vague but easy hook: What if the one man you truly loved was the one you could never have?

    Anyway, your book isn't even close to being ready to submit so this is a just a lot of diddling around.

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    I love your first sentence. It immediately lets me know just enough about the book to intrigue me a bit. However, I think you're missing some important aspects of a query. You waited a while to let me know what your title is and I still don't know your genre, word count, or anything about you, the author. Do you have any experience? Are you working on any other projects? Looking at some other examples of querys might help with this.

    Watch your tenses, make sure your not jumping from present to past tense and back. There's some grammar issues throughout.

    I think you have a really interesting storyline here (very Scarlett Letter), but I think you could stand to develop your description here just a bit. Like I said, looking up some query examples could help a lot.

    Hope this helps!

  4. #4
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2016
    Thanks. I didn't add the word count etc. First project. No title yet.
    It helps!

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