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Thread: Feedback needed

  1. #11
    Rogue Mutt
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jay Greenstein View Post
    The person who reads your query is either the acquiring editor for the publisher or a subordinate called a first reader.
    He meant a freelance editor like him.



  2. #12
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jay Greenstein View Post
    The person who reads your query is either the acquiring editor for the publisher or a subordinate called a first reader.
    So?

    I've never seen a query (until now) that says a book is complete and ready for editing. I mean, doesn't that strongly imply that it's NOT complete?

  3. #13
    Rogue Mutt
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    Quote Originally Posted by John Oberon View Post
    So?

    I've never seen a query (until now) that says a book is complete and ready for editing. I mean, doesn't that strongly imply that it's NOT complete?
    Well if the manuscript is written from start to finish then it would be complete and the author can feel it just needs polishing. (Which is unlikely.)

  4. #14
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    Is this closer to what a query letter should look like?

    30kg overweight, twenty years of alcohol abuse, 60 cigarettes a day, diagnosed with depression and schizophrenia and institutionalised 6 times, I found myself at the end of a long dark road. Then, on December 13. at 9:07pm, desperate and alone, standing at a bus stop, I experiencing an unprepared Kundalini spiritual awakening. The impact was tremendous. I met my spiritual guide, quit smoking and drinking over night and threw away my medication. I experienced ZERO negative side effects. As well as my physical health improving radically, waves of information began to sweep over me. Subjects as diverse as physics and psychology, philosophy and energy healing, spirituality, math, and language came together and took residence under one holistic roof.

    Language: We have greatly misunderstood the most common, thus, the most influential words in our spoken and written language. Grotesque misunderstandings bring with them grotesque consequence: From cyclical arguments between husband and wife to declaring war and famine on humanity, we have left behind us a trail of devastation.

    Chapter for chapter and word for word WORD WAR I. The Truth Behind The Words We Use In Our Daily Lives Revealed challenges the reader to reconsider his understanding and usage of language and communication at a fundamental level. I bring together down to earth real-life situations with sporadic insightful dialogues with my spiritual guide, while also tackling brassy philosophical questions such as: What actually is consciousness? Is our learning process innately dictatorial? Is there an “I”?

    With the reader's core identity put under the spotlight, WWI is an uncompromisingly off-road journey of self-discovery, where the security of the familiar suddenly becomes strangely foreign.

    WWI is a philosophical novel complete at 71,000 words. It is comparable to Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch and The Red Book by Carl Gustav Jung. It is the first in a planned trilogy. The manuscript is available, in part or full, upon request.

    Along with Terry Atkinson, my work has been included in CRITICAL DECOR: A Short Organum For Exhibition and CRITICAL DECOR. WHAT WORKS ? I also self-published HUMSANITY, a selection of my poems.

    Best,

    Michael Victor Jackson

  5. #15
    Rogue Mutt
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    Don't start with a number and cut, cut, cut to the bare essentials.

  6. #16
    Rich Plowden
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    It sounds really interesting.

  7. #17
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    It's not clear what you're looking for. You've posted in the query section, but say you're looking for editing help. treating it as a query:

    1.You query the book you're selling, not the series. Yes, you should mention that the one being queried is the opening of a series, but the book needs to be worth buying and producing on its own.
    2. You gave no genre or length. It's not possible to know if this is fiction, memoir, or a pseudo memoir. Each publisher or agent has their own area of expertise, and knowing, up front, that it fits their needs in that respect is a plus.
    3. Boiled down, the thing says the protagonist was an ass, and an alcoholic, and had an epiphany, then thought about the meaning of life. It's hard to visualize the drama that will suck the reader in and make them keep turning pages.

    As a personal observation, the fact that you don't know the structure of a query letter says you haven't done your homework into either the business side of writing or the presentation part. You need to fix that, because if you don't know what a publisher expects and dislikes, how can you shape the work to the market?

  8. #18
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    Ok, am I getting any closer to a strong query letter or do I still not get the principle? (Feedback needed not editing)

    After years of alcohol abuse, depression, and schizophrenia, and death breathing down my neck, on December 13. at 9:07pm, I experiencing an unprepared Kundalini spiritual awakening. The impact was tremendous. I threw away the whiskey bottles, emptied the overflowing ashtrays, and knowingly went against all my doctor's advice by binning my medication. As my health improved seismic waves of diverse information began to sweep over me taking residence under one holistic roof: My spiritual guide whispered loudly in my ear:

    “We have grotesquely misunderstood the most common words in our spoken and written language. From the petty arguments, we waste our time having with strangers on Facebook to declaring holocaustic war on humanity, we are living in the midst of a foolish and devastating legacy of ignorance.” - Voice.

    WORD WAR I The Truth Behind The Words We Use In Our Daily Lives Revealed is a series of essays that challenges readers to reconsider their understanding and usage of language at a fundamental level. Find out why Jesus Christ's gift of hope is, in reality, the flower of ignorance; the Devil's tool itself. And why the concept of self-sacrifice spreads debt and bitterness rather than acting as a measure of love. And why, if altruism was at all possible, not only we humans but the universe itself wouldn't even exist.

    WWI attacks both traditional beliefs and the reader's identity at their core. It is an uncompromisingly off-road journey of self-discovery, where the security of the familiar suddenly becomes strangely foreign. WWI holds the key to clear communication and offers the reader all the advantages of being one step ahead in every conversation.

    A collection of philosophical essays, WWI is complete at 71,000 words. There are no books on the market that expose our misuse of language so comprehensively. However, it's philosophical and straight-talk political whistle-blowing styles are comparable to Carl Gustav Jung's The Red Book and Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine respectively, while it's skepticism of mainstream religion is comparable to The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins.

    Along with Terry Atkinson, my work has been included in CRITICAL DECOR: A Short Organum For Exhibition and CRITICAL DECOR. WHAT WORKS ? I also self-published HUMSANITY, a selection of my poems. WWI is the first in a planned trilogy. The manuscript is available, in part or full, upon request.
    Best,

    Michael Victor Jackson

  9. #19
    Rogue Mutt
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    Generally what you want are 3 paragraphs:

    Hook

    Description

    Details (the word count, genre, and all that)

    You can put the details first if you want. As far as a hook, you want something to catch an agent or editor's attention. One way is to phrase it as a question. "What if I told you everything you know about language is wrong?" Or there's the "When..." formula: When a voice spoke to me, I realized everything we know about language is wrong.

    When you describe the book you really need to be clearer about what exactly is in your book. I still don't really know what specifically you're dealing with. Be brief and be specific. I think in particular you need to say what the problem with language is, how that impacts people's lives, and how your book solves that.

    At any rate it's an uphill climb, especially for something like this. In your details about yourself it would help if you had any kind of credentials that are relevant, like maybe a doctorate in philosophy or a teaching position. If you're just some random person then it's going to be even more difficult to sell.

  10. #20
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    ???????????

    If I had seen it coming, I would have nipped it in the bud straight away. But, of course, then the flower of life would never have bloomed. It was December 13. 2010, 21:07, the sky was clear, the air cold, and the darkest days of my life were upon me, when a voice whispered loudly in my ear, “Everything you know about language is wrong.”

    Hope: generally understood as being necessary to have in order to bother staying alive. Now imagine you're lying on an operating table. Brain surgery. It's life or death. You observe the knife closing in on you. It's sharp. You stutter at the surgeon, “Will I live?” He answers, fake smile, “I hope so.” A tear fills your eye as you imagine a hard piece of shaking metal painting a Jackson Pollock on your head.

    Hope: a gift from Christ or part of the Devil's toolkit: ignorance, fear, and destruction?
    Self-sacrifice: a measure of love or a debt generator that spreads bitterness and despise? Toleration: a sign of respect or a pretence that can lead to both depression and even suicide while also encouraging xenophobia?

    Inspired by a sudden Kundalini awakening, WORD WAR I: The Truth Behind The Words We Use In Our Daily Lives Revealed is a collection of spiritually inspired real-life observations that shows how grotesquely we have misunderstood language, the destructive impact this has had on people's lives, and how, by understanding the words that come out of your mouth, you can dramatically improve yours and other people's lives.

    From uncovering the hidden messages in millennia of literature, probing the identity each of us develops through words, to how we understand humanity, life and the universe, there are no books on the market that expose our misuse of language so comprehensively and holistically. However, it's philosophical and straight-talk political whistle-blowing styles, and it's scepticism of mainstream religion, are comparable to Carl Gustav Jung's The Red Book, Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine and The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, respectively.

    As well as my previous works being included alongside Terry Atkinson's critical writings in CRITICAL DECOR: A Short Organum For Exhibition and CRITICAL DECOR. WHAT WORKS ? I have also self-published HUMSANITY, a selection of my poems. I have also taught English as a foreign language abroad for the past fifteen years. WWI is complete at 71,000 words. The manuscript is available, in part or full, upon request. It is the first in a planned trilogy.

    Best,

    Michael Victor Jackson

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