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Thread: Feedback needed

  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Feedback needed

    WORD WAR I: The Truth Behind The Words We Use In Our Daily Lives Revealed


    WORD WAR I begins with a poignant reflection on the hardest and darkest four years of my life. I was 33 years old, extremely overweight and hospitalised five times after nearly drinking myself to death. The sixth time I was in was for depression and schizophrenia. After pushing away everyone who tried to get close to me, I was at the end of the road.

    Then, on December 13. at 9:07pm, while waiting for a bus, I experienced something so extraordinary it shook the very foundations of my life. My reality was disturbed and I was forced to question the very core of my identity and existence. A blackened mirror had suddenly been held up in front of my face and I suddenly saw how dark my life had become.

    Shocked at the reality, I threw away the whiskey bottles, emptied the dirty ashtrays, started eating real food and had a wash first the first time in months. As the fog of drunkenness and insanity cleared, my mind began to be flooded with waves of information. Where was the information coming from? Had I gone mad again? “No!”, was the answer, “Not this time! Why? I asked. “Because now you are making sense.”, Pat, my future wife added.
    Some of the information was so dense and abstract, I haven't yet been able to decode it, however, other information came across crystal clear: WORD WAR I: The Truth Behind The Words We Use In Our Daily Lives Revealed.

    You can take away a lot from a person and they will never realise it, but take away their language and you strip them naked. WWI does just that by systematically scrutinising the most common and significant words we so passively used in our daily lives.

    WWI reveals how “hope”, instead of flying the flag of optimism, encourages passivity, irresponsibility, war, and destruction. Why “altruism”, “compromise”, and “sacrifice” are not only morally burdensome but also, in truth, impossible. Why “trying” means failing and why to “expect” enormous amounts from each other is necessary for social stability as well as central to our learning process.

    WWI is the first of a trilogy that makes verbal and written communication transparent. No more will a politician be able to pull the wool over the reader's eyes. No more will you fill your life with nervous hope and sacrificial debt. WWI changes the way you perceive the world, life, and the human race. It offers the reader understanding and control but not before emptying their own bottle of expectations.
    From war and famine to cyclical arguments between man and wife, the consequences of misunderstanding what we write and speak has left behind us a trail of destruction. WWI shows the reader how to rectify this most desperate situation in order to better understand humanity, strengthen and unify our community.
    Word War I is complete and ready for editing.

    Michael Victor Jackson



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    So… you're looking for an editor?

  3. #3
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    Yes.

  4. #4
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    An epiphany at the bus stop? Maybe it was the car fumes.

    If you want to actually write a query you need to not be so coy and get down to brass tacks. Don't waste the reader's time. Do some research on the proper format too.

  5. #5
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    When you say "less coy" are you referring to the line "I experienced something so extraordinary" and that I should get to the point and write exactly what that something was?

    Mutt, I found your post
    "When she's stranded in the magical land of Oz (situation), Dorothy (Character) has to find the mysterious Wizard to return home. (Objective) But can she defeat the Wicked Witch of the West trying to stop her from reaching the Wizard? (Obstacle)",
    solid, and tried to apply it to my query letter. Is this what you meant by "format" you suggested me researching?
    Last edited by Michael Victor Jackson; 05-21-2016 at 03:59 PM.

  6. #6
    Rogue Mutt
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    Google query letter format and query letter examples. There are sites like Agentquery and query shark that can also be of use.

  7. #7
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    I am by no means a query expert but I will share some of my initial thoughts. First, it seems a bit long. Second, there is a specific format for queries and i would strongly suggest that you go to agentquery.com and look at some of examples of success letters. It helped me greatly. Also, agents want details. Strong details. Your current draft lacks them, and you’re wasting valuable space by not getting to the point. Think of the who, what, when, where, why, and how when you’re revising your letter. Your query shouldn’t tease the agent. They NEED to know the fundamental basics of your story. Use action words, build suspense, and make each and every sentence is vital and necessary in telling your story. Also, what is the word count? What are your credentials? You don’t have any information about your publications. Who are the main characters? What is their role in your story?

    I hope this helps you out. I REALLY think you’ll benefit from looking at successful letters. From reading yours, I don’t know what your story is about other than something major happened and, as a result, you cleaned up your life.

  8. #8
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    I've never heard of querying an editor before. Typically, you simply find an editor you think reputable, then pay him to edit your work. If you're looking just for proofreading with maybe a little grammar and punctuation, $15-$20/hour ought to do the trick. The more in-depth the edit, the more expensive. If you want someone to massage your story, a content editor, that goes up to around $80/hour for decent ones.

  9. #9
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    r k, that was very helpful!

  10. #10
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    I've never heard of querying an editor before.
    The person who reads your query is either the acquiring editor for the publisher or a subordinate called a first reader.

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