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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Sep 2015
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    Utah
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    Haven't used Writers Net in a while.

    I haven't used Writers Net in a long time, but I remember the critiques being tough, and that's what I'm looking for. This is a piece of a novel that I started but put away for unremembered reasons. I just want honesty and a lot of places offer fluff.

    It's a science fiction story, not sure if that will help with the critique, but
    I woke up the next morning, not knowing what I’d done, the sound of gunshots and screams echoed in my ear like a movie turned at full volume.
    The smell of blood, with its sharp scent, which somehow and for an unknown reason felt like a warm blanket that I crawled into and didn’t want to leave.
    My apartment was silent, not unusual, but there was no music playing. I’d always left music playing when I went to sleep, but my phone dock was missing from its place on the mantle and in its place was a shiny piece of metal which had a few flies lying on it taking in the warm glow of the sun which now shown through the blinds.
    Who the **** put up my blinds?
    Standing up from my bed my head felt unsteady and I reached for the bed but fell onto it instead, and I was falling into a dream, unlike anything I’d felt before.
    The first thing I felt is wetness, like a dripping onto my forehead. This wetness wakes me from my sleep and I fly out of bed, not knowing what is causing the wetness.
    Looking around the room, I see nothing has really changed. My iPhone dock is still missing and the metal that was lying on the mantle is still there, but the flies are gone, this could be because its dark outside, but I’m not sure.
    Crossing the room I pick up the piece of metal of the mantle, flip it over in my hands like it's a piece of ancient pottery.
    The edges are frayed as if someone ran them through a processor or machine in a metal shop. .
    In the darkness of my room, it has a sheen and reflects everything in the room, but without loss of depth. I stared, trying to decipher words on the side that I assume is the top since it says up on that side.
    “Hello, David.” I hear behind me and grab the fire poker next to the mantle.
    In front of me is a man in a black trenchcoat, a black hat and attached to his waste is an enormous sword I believe is called a Katana and realize that my small stick is going to be no match for his Katana.
    “Who are you and what are you doing in my house?” I said, trying to sound confident. I mean, how confident can you be when a man has a large sword and you're standing there with fire poker?
    “I’m Drake. You’ve been off the grid for a day and I was sent to make sure you’re alright. You are alright, aren’t you David?” Drake says, his voice sounding calm and his body movements are relaxed. I’m not sure why he’s in my house, but I want to find out as long as it doesn’t entail being at the receiving end of his Katana.
    “I’ve been in the house for the last few days, as far as I know anyways. The last day and a half are a bit of a blur, and I’m not entirely sure what’s been happening.” I say, thinking that telling the truth may help my cause.
    Drake walks to the other side of the room, his hands were covered in black gloves, which he begins to flex and stretch as he walks around my apartment, the sound of them echoing off the white walls and eventually begin to reverberate in my ears.
    “What the **** do you want Drake?” I say, but not sure whether being confrontational is the perfect thing to do.
    “Really David, do you think you’re going to get through this night alive after what you’ve done in the last few days?” Drake says, his voice trailing off as I watch him grasp the Katana and the sound of metal on leather fills the room as he pulls the blade from its sheath.
    “Is this the way it’s going to be, Drake?” I say, gathering confidence from a place I’d never felt before.
    “David, I’ve seen the video of what you did. I want to be the judge of what you’re capable of, the Elders of this planet want you dead, but I’m willing to judge for myself,” He said as he pulled the Katana around his waist and held it aloft in front of his chest. I grabbed the metal stick I’d held in my hands and pretended to know what I was doing.
    Drake came toward me, the blade held in his hands and swung his sword in an arc toward me, I jumped back, the blade striking the piece of metal in my hands.
    The clank echoed through the apartment, sparks flew and I the poker reverberated. I turned the piece of metal and swung it in an upward strike, but just as it was within inches of Drake, I turned, put my foot on his chest, tossing him across the room in a tumble that laid him on the ground.


    Thanks again for any help on the story.



  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    First piece of advice: always put an extra space between paragraphs when you post.

    I woke up the next morning, not knowing what I’d done, the sound of gunshots and screams echoed in my ear like a movie turned at full volume.

    The smell of blood, with its sharp scent, which somehow and for an unknown reason felt like a warm blanket that I crawled into and didn’t want to leave.

    My apartment was silent, not unusual, but there was no music playing. I’d always left music playing when I went to sleep, but my phone dock was missing from its place on the mantle and in its place was a shiny piece of metal which had a few flies lying on it taking in the warm glow of the sun which now shown through the blinds.

    Who the **** put up my blinds?

    Standing up from my bed my head felt unsteady and I reached for the bed but fell onto it instead, and I was falling into a dream, unlike anything I’d felt before.

    The first thing I felt is wetness, like a dripping onto my forehead. This wetness wakes me from my sleep and I fly out of bed, not knowing what is causing the wetness.

    Looking around the room, I see nothing has really changed. My iPhone dock is still missing and the metal that was lying on the mantle is still there, but the flies are gone, this could be because its dark outside, but I’m not sure.

    Crossing the room I pick up the piece of metal of the mantle, flip it over in my hands like it's a piece of ancient pottery.

    The edges are frayed as if someone ran them through a processor or machine in a metal shop. .

    In the darkness of my room, it has a sheen and reflects everything in the room, but without loss of depth. I stared, trying to decipher words on the side that I assume is the top since it says up on that side.

    “Hello, David.” I hear behind me and grab the fire poker next to the mantle.

    In front of me is a man in a black trenchcoat, a black hat and attached to his waste is an enormous sword I believe is called a Katana and realize that my small stick is going to be no match for his Katana.

    “Who are you and what are you doing in my house?” I said, trying to sound confident. I mean, how confident can you be when a man has a large sword and you're standing there with fire poker?

    “I’m Drake. You’ve been off the grid for a day and I was sent to make sure you’re alright. You are alright, aren’t you David?” Drake says, his voice sounding calm and his body movements are relaxed. I’m not sure why he’s in my house, but I want to find out as long as it doesn’t entail being at the receiving end of his Katana.

    “I’ve been in the house for the last few days, as far as I know anyways. The last day and a half are a bit of a blur, and I’m not entirely sure what’s been happening.” I say, thinking that telling the truth may help my cause.

    Drake walks to the other side of the room, his hands were covered in black gloves, which he begins to flex and stretch as he walks around my apartment, the sound of them echoing off the white walls and eventually begin to reverberate in my ears.

    “What the **** do you want Drake?” I say, but not sure whether being confrontational is the perfect thing to do.

    “Really David, do you think you’re going to get through this night alive after what you’ve done in the last few days?” Drake says, his voice trailing off as I watch him grasp the Katana and the sound of metal on leather fills the room as he pulls the blade from its sheath.

    “Is this the way it’s going to be, Drake?” I say, gathering confidence from a place I’d never felt before.

    “David, I’ve seen the video of what you did. I want to be the judge of what you’re capable of, the Elders of this planet want you dead, but I’m willing to judge for myself,” He said as he pulled the Katana around his waist and held it aloft in front of his chest. I grabbed the metal stick I’d held in my hands and pretended to know what I was doing.

    Drake came toward me, the blade held in his hands and swung his sword in an arc toward me, I jumped back, the blade striking the piece of metal in my hands.

    The clank echoed through the apartment, sparks flew and I the poker reverberated. I turned the piece of metal and swung it in an upward strike, but just as it was within inches of Drake, I turned, put my foot on his chest, tossing him across the room in a tumble that laid him on the ground.

  3. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    18
    This is an interesting piece and I could be drawn in, however there are some grammatical issues. You switch back and forth between present and past tense. Choose one tense and stick with it. I noticed several instances of passive voice as well. I prefer to see passive voice in small doses, for impact only. Just my opinion, but I believe you could tighten up your prose a bit which would make your tension more dramatic. Your characters are interesting and you have good attention to detail.

    Thanks for sharing your work. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Junior Member
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    Sep 2015
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    Utah
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    I do apologize for the lack of breaks in the posted text. Thanks C-Girl for your observations. I'll work on the issues you brought up. Thanks for your help.

  5. #5
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    The tense thing is a big problem. In this sentence you actually switch in the middle of the sentence:
    Drake walks to the other side of the room, his hands were covered in black gloves, which he begins to flex and stretch as he walks around my apartment, the sound of them echoing off the white walls and eventually begin to reverberate in my ears.
    This sentence is just run-on:
    Drake came toward me, the blade held in his hands and swung his sword in an arc toward me, I jumped back, the blade striking the piece of metal in my hands.
    It was kind of silly how they kept saying each other's names. I assume that was more for the benefit of the reader than the characters, but even as the reader I only need to see it once in a conversation.

    "Katana" isn't capitalized unless you're referring to the DC Comics character.

    You really have to learn the basics of grammar before you can worry about all the other niceties like characters and plot.

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    Utah
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    4
    Thanks, Rogue Mutt. I appreciate your critique. I'll work on that and come back with a revised version.

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    688
    Grammatical Issues? What about?

    The smell of blood, with its sharp scent, which somehow and for an unknown reason felt like a warm blanket that I crawled into and didn’t want to leave.

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