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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Feb 2016
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    Barcelona, Spain
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    4th post continued

    ... because what I intend to give you guys to read is more than 1000 words which is beyond to what's allowed here as normal text in a post.



  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    So basically you're whining because you have no interest in doing anything for anyone else and then you want to dump a huge sample on everyone else. Great attitude. Real considerate.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
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    May 2015
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    Elkins Park PA
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    because what I intend to give you guys to read is more than 1000 words which is beyond to what's allowed here as normal text in a post.
    So your first problem is that you're still thinking that to appreciate the writing one must read a significant percentage of the whole"Story." But most rejections, at the publishers, take place on the first page, with a significant percentage of them rejected before the end of the first paragraph. And here's the thing. If the work does need a serious rewrite, or change of approach, isn't it better to take care of that, first?

    As an example of not needing a lot, I read a few lines of the piece you pointed to and found a major problem:
    First car that I signalled stopped and picked me up. Inside there was a man in his late thirties, presentable with grizzly hair who was the driver,
    You're explaining, listing one fact after another, like writing a report. And you told the reader unnecessary things. Don't we assume the man is presentable if the protagonist got into the car?

    You say the car stopped. Why tell the reader that it picked him up, then then explain the process of being picked up? If you say they picked him up it's done, he's in the car and traveling, and who they are doesn't matter. But given what happened later there's a reason he's put in the center, so the process matters. As presented now, you placed effect, his being picked up, before his getting in the car—the act of being "picked up." But cause always comes before effect. And why tell us the man is in the car? where else would the driver be but inside the car?

    Because you're focused on informing the reader of the events, there's no flow, just a series of isolated declarations. What's missing is the emotional content. The reader wants to live the adventure in real-time, and be made to feel what the man getting into the car does. So you need the protagonist's evaluation of the situation in the moment he calls now. For example, what was the internal reaction when the man began to summon the police? Fear? Anger? Apprehension? What options did he think he had? What did he think was going to happen. Without that it's a historical report, and every bit as exciting as any other report.

    But don't you want your reader to worry about what's going to happen next? If they do they have a reason to read on. If not, they'll turn to reading something that entertains. Never lose sight of the fact that for you, it's real, and filled with emotion. But for the reader, unless you take steps to make them feel that emotion, it's just a report.

    So do you really need to post page after page of story, when a few lines generates that much comment?

    "The driver, a grizzle-haired man in his late thirties reached across and opened the passenger side door."

  4. #4
    Junior Member
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    Feb 2016
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    Barcelona, Spain
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    12
    I am speechless. So true....
    I need a rewrite.
    A big thank you Jay !

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