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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2015

    some help for hhSample pages

    I needed help with this one as this was a ... not a chapter, it is longer but a complete scene I was not at all sure about. Trust me I can handle every discouragement :P
    if you have seen the post somewhere else, please ignore it. I didn't know the one was no longer in use

    Finally the day ended and I knew my work today , I went to the college early but could not make it ,before Yash Cornell and Candace, I regretted it, for today they were going to be the biggest obstacles and especially Candace, It would be worse for her and it was a tough job to see her in pain and this time I myself would be the biggest pain for her. As I stepped in the college it was quite different for me though there was no change but I had no idea how the things were in the morning. Of course I was always late. Everyone was in the front ground so was Jake and his gang. Ignoring Ms. Jennifer who was also there making faces at me as usual I went to him and told his people to leave, the three supporters of me watched carefully.

    "I honestly don't care how you want to deal with it but still I would like to ask you, for I have no personal rivalry with you that I would empty whole of my revolver on you and will have to manage something else for Jake"

    My words grabbed everyone's attention and Jake's guys vanished somewhere into the way too concerned people.

    "you Jake the joker"

    He remained silent as he was informed about what happened a day before. If I had to change for the rest, then I was already a nightmare for him.

    "now you will spill each and everything you feel and think about me" I said as I grabbed his arm.

    "why" he asked timidly, I was enjoying it for real, at least it was fun to misbehave with him in these dark days.

    I kept my revolver's mouth under his chin and said

    "do what I said or say goodbye to everyone in the next ten seconds, everything real a single lie and you're dead" I kept the gun back in the lower pocket of my leather jacket.

    He started, slowly scarily

    "I hate you" Just then I punched right in his face right on his nose, it instantly turned red, I was sure he head done something for the black heads and whatever that 'something' was it was on my hand.

    'Blond hairs, girly eyes and lots of face powder. Oh god, finish me the moment it's revealed he is a girl, he is not one at least I can hope'

    The thought was almost on my face.

    Miss Jennifer tried to come in between but before she could Yash blocked her way and said

    "right now he is out of his mind and he has a revolver and he wouldnít hesitate using it, stopping him is risking your life next I would leave you way" he said and got aside. The problems were serious for me yet he did it reluctantly.

    Miss Jennifer didnít dare to come to me as to whom wasnít life precious?

    I had punched him so hard that he had no hold of himself, it my just my grip that had made him stay up.

    "donít stop, go ahead"

    He got back on his own and prepared for some beating he continued

    "you are a spoilt brat, I always feel like killing you whenever you groan over a problem, you have crossed limits of unthankfulness" and he got a smash on the other side of face. yikes, under that pale complexion were his pimples, I had to wipe my hand. Everyone watched it in terror except for Candace who wasnít at all feared but astonished and worried for me.

    "you have had everything you wanted till yet, down on earth were just the ones who wondered about you, you were always somewhere high" he sounded like much of those 'normal people' to whom I did not deserve to remove a smile from my face, obviously to them I had no problem.

    I kicked in his stomach, he hugged himself tight tight but as to my instructions he could not stop.

    "you have lived like a prince but I have been in the bad guys I had to see the negative points only or else you are not at all what you show yourself" I didnít do anything on that and said

    "complete it"

    He collected all his courage and said

    "you are no longer the same" and he bent down his head

    I tilted my neck to my shoulder and said

    "that.." I pulled his shirt and from the back and bumped his head into the wall. I left him and was about to leave when from all the people who stood there it was Candace who came to me everyone including me watched her bravery in surprise. Yes it was bravery because of the people who would love to run away, she wasnít scared but was just up to showing me the attitude I had expected from her. She was much more affected by those last words of Jake. I kept looking into her eyes, expressionless; while Cornell and Yash helped Jake up,

    "what's wrong with you Kevin why are behaving so wild?"
    Everyone started to freak out as she had done the daredevil's work just while she quaked me gripping my shoulders I somehow managed not to break down and said

    "learn to accept changes. You will get many in life"

    "I won't accept this nasty change, I don't want you I need my devil back" she said with a sorrow and anger.

    "I am sorry but you can't"

    I said and brushed past her.hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    sorry of the extra hhhh...
    technical problem.

  3. #3
    Rogue Mutt
    The extra h is the least of your problems. Wherever you live, look for an English as a second language or remedial English class.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    There's a lot of promise here, but sifting through the mangled verbiage blunts the enjoyment of reading it. I agree with Rogue: you need to study your English. And let me quickly add that your command of English far, far exceeds my command of yours; I have no doubt that you will soon excel at it.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    well I would try...

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Yikes, I just read it, it is so...well some of them are silly mistakes.
    I had written it before and had edited it now. I didn't recheck it there are some words I would have removed from there.
    my fault

  7. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Elkins Park PA
    Okay, you did ask for this, so…

    Let’s fix the most obvious problem first: One sentence, one thought. But with this:
    Finally the day ended and I knew my work today , I went to the college early but could not make it ,before Yash Cornell and Candace, I regretted it, for today they were going to be the biggest obstacles and especially Candace, It would be worse for her and it was a tough job to see her in pain and this time I myself would be the biggest pain for her.
    It’s like a fruitcake, chock full of so much crap it can’t be appreciated. What’s the subject of the sentence? I have not a clue of that or what’s going on, based on the wording. You know what you mean, and as you read, your inflection, along with your vision of what’s happening, divides those words into individual thoughts. But the reader can’t hear you. You need to take that into account and “hear it” as a reader, knowing no more about the scene than the words make clear, will.

    Next, and this one is a big one. You’re applying the nonfiction techniques you’ve been taught in class to a medium—fiction—for which they aren’t appropriate. The result is that you’re recording the words you would use to talk about the situation to people who are in the story and know what you know as you speak. So when you say, “I regretted it, for today they were going to be the biggest obstacles and especially Candace…” the reader would know what “it” is. They would know what you mean by “obstacles,” and why it matters.

    The real problem with that is that the narrator is talking, not the one living the story. But the narrator’s present isn’t the present of the one who’s glad the day is over. That narrator is describing. But as Jack Bickham observed, “To describe something in detail, you have to stop the action. But without the action, the description has no meaning.”

    In short, it’s how you were taught to write, but it reads as a report. And who reads fiction for reports? People want the excitement of living the story, not knowing what happened.

    And as I said, you did ask, so here’s the biggest one, the killer:

    You’ve written a wish-dream. The hero postures and emotes, and everyone cowers on command. You’re presenting descriptions of individual comic book pictures. The protagonist puts a pistol under someone’s chin without ever having to pull it out, or making us know why he felt he had to. Then, after being told he kept it there under the character’s chin, he puts it in his pocket, again, without any reason given. So only you know what’s motivating the action. No one thinks, hesitates, rephrases, changes expression, or does anything but blindly follow the script.

    No one whips out a phone and dials 911. But wouldn’t you? No one calls out to leave him alone. No one reaches for a weapon, even though they're gang members. No one tries to get in position to attack without being seen. In other words, they behave like plot devices, not people.

    In another thread you said you were sloppy with punctuation. Here you were sloppy with sentence construction and motivation. You’re being sloppy because you’re focused on your personal daydream of the story, not telling it in a way that’s meaningful to others.

    But that’s fixable, if you’re willing to fix it—though that’s going to take work and self-discipline, something I suspect you’ve not all that much experience with. Learning to write fiction is like learning a musical instrument. It will take time, dedication, study, and mentoring, because most of what you know about writing will have to be at least modified. Much will have to be put aside because it applies to business writing, not the profession of writing fiction for the printed word.

    So your first decision is: do you want to write for others to read, or just record stories to read yourself? If the last, do as you please, because you have the easiest of critics, one who can fill in the blanks, and uses the words only as a memory aid. If the former, it’s going to take an adult level of dedication. It means that while you can keep writing, you understand that it’s going to take time measured in years, not days, to reach that goal of competence. It’s going to take commitment and the ability to drive yourself toward the goal, with no one to remind you to do the necessary work but yourself, and no gold stars for a nice try. It means progress measured in baby steps, but at the same time a knowledge that if you write a little better every day, and live long enough…

    It means emotionally accepting that criticism is given on the writing, as it stands on that day, and that it doesn’t reflect on your fitness as a person, your potential as a writer, or anything other than that story on that day—taking into account that, “It stinks less than it did last time” is a compliment.

    And if you’re game, an assignment:

    Look at this article on structuring a scene. Then apply it to the scene this is part of, to get the flow of the action under control.

    Then read this one on how to handle viewpoint. And after you have a feel for it, apply it to the action.

    Then, when the rewrite is complete:

    • Go back and check to see that it does conform in structure and approach, and edit it for readability by someone who knows nothing about the story or you.
    • Check it for grammar and syntax.
    • Edit it to add sparkle to the dialog and smooth the rough edges.
    • Put it aside for a day or three so you can approach it more as a reader than the writer.
    • Have the computer read it to you, so you can hear what it sounds like to someone who doesn’t know how you intend it to be read.
    • Print a copy, and edit it from the page, because for some unknown reason, we tend to see things differently on the page.

    Then you may be ready to amaze us with how much better, and more professionally it reads.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    It was the kind of guidance I wanted, I was always told there are mistake in what I have written but was never told exactly where and how to fix them, at least not this properly, I will do it for sure but can I show it to you after I'm done with it

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