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Thread: help please,

  1. #1
    Member
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    help please,

    Hi guys I am writing the query letter and I am posting it here so that I am sure, it has the best of what I could come up with. So it is a fantasy fiction novel and here is the letter.
    Hi...
    I am Aizza Rauf and I am currently looking for an agent for my story Tragedy:The guilt.
    It's a Fantasy fiction story that goes from light comedy to tragic, it is set in the second dimension, which a sort of a mirror world. It's about Kevin Daniel Devil, a rich spoiled teenager who has everything from wealth to high reputation and power, he is the son of the president in the second world as there the humans aren't duplicated from real ones. He is expected to be an obnoxious, heartless person unlike his father but in real he is the opposite being a sensitive, naughty but pure hearted person but only his cousin Candace and his friends Yash and Cornell know about it. He is unaware of what people think of him until he shots a person in the forest by accident, he highly regrets it and is about to leave when he finds out the soul of the person is trapped in the world because of extreme hatred and dissatisfaction, he is one of the people who think Kevin is a monster who cares about nothing else but himself. He tells Kevin about the state of his family and other people like him as well as says Kevin is sinful, high minded, selfish and cruel. Kevin believes he is much of what the soul says and has the uttermost guilt of his deeds, he tells the spirit he would change himself but the spirit says he doesn't wish for a change in him but wants a revenge and he knows
    now for Kevin, it is not as difficult to change as much as is it to face the guilt and so he wants him to be even bad and suffer hatred from his loved ones and himself, Kevin agrees as he himself want to be punished and does it but yet the unsatisfied soul wants him to suffer more and he tells him to murder his parents. Kevin, having no other option does it as the soul has blackmailed him that he would stay with Kevin for ever speaking to him about his crimes. He is sentenced to be noosed as no one can be forgiven for the president's murder. On the last day of his life, Kevin realizes there was something odd about the the soul and then he recalls how the situations progressed and ends up being sure the act was criminalized for him. Now how would the things turn over and especially when the fact comes up Kevin was a source of life to the whole second dimension.
    __________________________________________________ ___________________
    Please, can I have a few words about my story and how can I improve the query letter.. Thank you



  2. #2
    Senior Member
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    First of all you need to address your comma addiction. Sentences are formed from complete thoughts or pieces of information. Once you have finished with one fact, you put a full stop (or a period) and start another sentence. You can't just separate all the different facts and bits of information with commas. This is one of the most common errors people make.

    It is far too early for you to be querying if this is the quality of the writing in your manuscript. With the kindest of intentions I urge you to first make sure that your work is as perfect as it can be. If you know you have a weakness with grammar and punctuation, then get someone to edit it for you. Someone who is not your nan or your best friend.

    You sound young, and you probably think you have a great fantasy novel in you. You may well be right, but please don't try to run before you can walk.

    Which number draft is this? If it is first or even second you have a lot of work to do before you should be submitting.

    I wish you the best of luck. Slow down

  3. #3
    Rogue Mutt
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    That advice would have been more useful over a month ago when he was last here.

  4. #4
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    Well, I figured if he still really needed it, he would check back.

    I don't have the luxury of being able to check in every day (or even week or month sometimes) so people can only have the benefit of my genius and wisdom every once in a while.


  5. #5
    Senior Member John Oberon's Avatar
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    Once in a while is always better than none.

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