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  1. #1
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    Query letter, help please!

    Hi guys I am writing the query letter and I am posting it here so that I am sure, it has the best of what I could come up with. So it is a fantasy fiction novel and here is the letter.
    Hi...
    I am Aizza Rauf and I am currently looking for an agent for my story Tragedy:The guilt.
    It's a Fantasy fiction story that goes from light comedy to tragic, it is set in the second dimension, which a sort of a mirror world. It's about Kevin Daniel Devil, a rich spoiled teenager who has everything from wealth to high reputation and power, he is the son of the president in the second world as there the humans aren't duplicated from real ones. He is expected to be an obnoxious, heartless person unlike his father but in real he is the opposite being a sensitive, naughty but pure hearted person but only his cousin Candace and his friends Yash and Cornell know about it. He is unaware of what people think of him until he shots a person in the forest by accident, he highly regrets it and is about to leave when he finds out the soul of the person is trapped in the world because of extreme hatred and dissatisfaction, he is one of the people who think Kevin is a monster who cares about nothing else but himself. He tells Kevin about the state of his family and other people like him as well as says Kevin is sinful, high minded, selfish and cruel. Kevin believes he is much of what the soul says and has the uttermost guilt of his deeds, he tells the spirit he would change himself but the spirit says he doesn't wish for a change in him but wants a revenge and he knows
    now for Kevin, it is not as difficult to change as much as is it to face the guilt and so he wants him to be even bad and suffer hatred from his loved ones and himself, Kevin agrees as he himself want to be punished and does it but yet the unsatisfied soul wants him to suffer more and he tells him to murder his parents. Kevin, having no other option does it as the soul has blackmailed him that he would stay with Kevin for ever speaking to him about his crimes. He is sentenced to be noosed as no one can be forgiven for the president's murder. On the last day of his life, Kevin realizes there was something odd about the the soul and then he recalls how the situations progressed and ends up being sure the act was criminalized for him. Now how would the things turn over and especially when the fact comes up Kevin was a source of life to the whole second dimension.
    __________________________________________________ ___________________
    Please, can I have a few words about my story and how can I improve the query letter.. Thank you
    Last edited by Aizza; 10-30-2015 at 10:19 PM.



  2. #2
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    And I am really sorry for the few words that scrambles up I am really poor at rechecking

  3. #3
    Rogue Mutt
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    Before you query you need to learn the basics of English grammar. Any agent would assume your book is just as filled with poor grammar as this query and yes it's important; they don't want to rewrite the book for you.

  4. #4
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    i agree thanks for help and english is my second language so it's not that easy for me. How was the plot can I know please

  5. #5
    Rogue Mutt
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    Quote Originally Posted by Aizza View Post
    i agree thanks for help and english is my second language so it's not that easy for me. How was the plot can I know please
    It's hard to decipher and doesn't make a lot of sense.

  6. #6
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    I'll give it shot:

    ---

    Kevin, who lives in a mirror world, is a spoiled but sensitive teenager who accidentally kills a stranger.

    The stranger's soul reveals that the world thinks Kevin is selfish and cruel.

    Kevin feels guilty, but the soul wants Kevin to feel even worse, so he browbeats him into killing his parents.

    Sentenced to death, Kevin realizes he has been tricked. He has second thoughts, but it's too late. He's noosed (love that!), and something bad happens to the mirror world.

    ---

    How'd I do?

  7. #7
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    Jayce thanks a lot
    well I never thought the stupid of mine could could get any better than it was. I know it does not make a lot of sense as its pure fantasy
    and you are much better than me of course as it's my first one.
    No matter how silly my idea was, it sounds much better in your words.

  8. #8
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    When you write the blurb for a query, the goal isn’t to make the reader know the story. It’s is to make the reader want to turn to page one of that story. So forget all the little details of plot. That's what your synopsis is for.

    Think in terms of the voice-over for the film version of your story. It would deal in the problem only your protagonist can solve, and why she is the only one who can do that. Talk about what will happen if the problem isn’t solved. In other words, emotional issues, not informational issues.

    One thing you want to do is squeeze, squeeze, squeeze all the excess verbiage out. Never use two words when one will do. Never use a prosaic word when there's a more evocative and interesting way to say it (without going over the line and becoming purple prose, of course). Never lose sight of the fact that your goal is to entertain, not inform your reader. That's as true in the query as in the story, itself.

    As an example, instead of saying, "Get up off of the bed." Drop two words, and you have "Get off the bed." Fewer words = more impact. The word "of" serves no real purpose. And, it's assumed that to get off of the bed one normally stands (but doesn't "stand up").

    There are lots of tricks that it helps to know. If you have a personal Santa, you might drop a hint that you’d like a copy of Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It's a very good first book, and reads like having a conversation with Deb. A hint that reading it might improve your English grades might also be a good idea. And actually, it might.

    For what it's worth, here’s a bit of Kurt Vonnegut on writing:
    Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.

    Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
    Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.

    Every sentence must do one of two things—reveal character or advance the action.

    Start as close to the end as possible.

    Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of.

    Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

    Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To heck with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

  9. #9
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    okayiiiiiiiiiiiii so we you mean to say even the agents are the readers we need to keep in suspense to pay attention to us rather than telling them the whole of the story and wondering whether they like or not....thankewh

  10. #10
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    It's a matter of hitting the customer with emotional, not factual issues. You can see that in every commercial on TV, and every time a politician opens his or her mouth.

    Ask yourself which of the two opening statements would be more likely make you want to read on:

    The factual version:
    Jack Timon is a warlock, though he doesn't yet know that. He thinks of himself as just another student at Central high school. But the Artimus guild plans to...

    Or the more emotional version:
    The planet Earth just might be destroyed within the next thirty days, unless Jack Timon can stop it. But Jack? He's more worried about getting a date for the prom than saving the world.

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