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  1. #1
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    Pride Search Chapter 1 702 words

    This is the first chapter of my lion story which for now I have titled Pride Search.

    I start with a past to present shift and a present to past shift in the first 2 paragraphs because that is the best way I could give you a starting image in the first paragraph while still having the rest of the story in past tense.

    On a cool African morning a lion named Anapumua Moto woke up and started searching for a pride. He has a nice mane that is thick, full, long, and dark. He is also a very healthy lion.

    He roared again and again to listen for any nomadic lionesses. He didn’t hear any.

    In the afternoon it was hot and Anapumua Moto was sad and in the shade. He still didn’t hear any lionesses respond.

    A cheetah named Duma came by and said “I heard you roaring. I was scared for a moment but then realized it was you. So I ran towards you as you kept roaring and here I am. Why are you so sad?”

    Anapumua Moto said “I have been listening for nomadic lionesses and heard nothing. As you probably already know I am looking to start a pride and thought that nomadic lionesses would be a good place to start.”

    Duma asked, “But why not just take over an existing pride?”

    Anapumua Moto said “I am a special lion. I don’t have the instinct to kill cubs that aren’t mine. I know it makes other lions sad and so I don’t do it.”

    Duma said “Oh, so that is why you are looking for nomadic lionesses. I know of one that is very friendly.”

    Anapumua Moto asked “You do? Where?”

    Duma said “Follow me. If you get hungry we will have a break.”

    Anapumua Moto said “But I am much slower than you. How will I be able to catch up?”

    Duma said “Simple. If I get too far for you to see me, let me know and I will let you catch up.”

    Anapumua Moto said “Okay. Let’s do this.”

    He followed Duma toward a nomadic lioness. She was beautiful, tawny warmth in the sunlight, and Anapumua Moto was just about to roar a greeting to her when Duma stopped walking so suddenly the young lion almost ran into his furry butt.

    “Look out”, Duma hissed. “A leopard!”

    Anapumua Moto took one look and then his back hair relaxed. “That’s Bella. She’s one of my friends”

    Bella asked “Why are you following Duma? Aren’t you supposed to be roaring and listening for lionesses?”

    Anapumua Moto said “Duma knows of a friendly nomadic lioness. He met her when he was a cub. So I have been following him to this lioness. He will even hunt for me if I get hungry.”

    Bella said “He will get tired so easily. Why don’t you let me hunt for you? I am after all the princess of stealth.”

    Anapumua Moto said “Okay. So Duma will navigate me, you will hunt for me, and then when I find her I will know whether she will be friendly to me or not.”

    Bella said “Exactly.”

    So Bella and Anapumua Moto traveled together. It took several days.

    When Duma fell asleep, Anapumua Moto said “Bella, can you get some food? I am hungry.”

    Bella would hunt every night and Anapumua Moto would roar to tell Bella where he was. Bella and Anapumua Moto had a good meal. They then both fell asleep.

    Every morning, Duma woke up and chirped “Anapumua Moto, wake up”.

    Anapumua Moto said “Good morning Duma.”

    Then Bella woke up. She climbed down the tree and they started traveling toward the lioness.

    At last he found the lioness.

    He said “Hi, What’s your name?”

    The lioness said “Hi. I am Nala. Who are you?”

    Anapumua Moto said “I am Anapumua Moto. I am very friendly.”

    Nala said “I am also very friendly. I assume you are looking for a pride. I can lead you to another lioness.”

    Anapumua Moto said “Oh, thank you.”

    So Anapumua Moto followed Nala to another lioness. Her name is Kanya.

    He now roared to tell everybody that he now had a pride of his own.

    A few months later he had cubs. He patrolled his territory. The lionesses hunted and the cubs played.

    Because of his friendliness he was able to have a pride for the longest time of any lion. 10 years to be exact.

    The pride split into several prides and it happened again and again and again. The friendly lions took over lion territory.



  2. #2
    Rogue Mutt
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    Is this supposed to have pictures? What grade level is it intended for? The writing is simplistic enough that it seems like it's for very small children.

    Dialog should always have a comma before or after the quote like He said, " or ," she said.

  3. #3
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    It is intended for both adults and children.

  4. #4
    Rogue Mutt
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    Quote Originally Posted by caters View Post
    It is intended for both adults and children.
    I don't think many people over age seven would enjoy it.

  5. #5
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    Well I thought a lot of adults and older children would enjoy it for several reasons.

    1) Most people don't know that cheetahs chirp when calling for their cubs or are excited or that male lions patrol their territory until they are 7 or older and this mentions both of them.

    2) There are several videos about a lioness and leopard friendship(In particular the one where the female leopard comes at the wrong time when the lioness is hunting and vice versa) and a lioness and tigress friendship(In particular the one where Savannah the lioness was raised by a tigress and when that tigress has her next litter Savannah roars when the cubs are vulnerable and somehow the tigress understands her roar and carries the cubs back to the den(Which you can find if you search for "lion communication" on youtube)) online and lots of people like those videos so I thought the same thing should be true for a lion and cheetah friendship.

    and

    3) The swahili names of Anapumua Moto(which translates to He Who Breathes Fire) and Duma(which translates to Cheetah) and the fact that lots of people learn new languages not only as babies but also when they are 7 or older.

  6. #6
    Rogue Mutt
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    Quote Originally Posted by caters View Post
    Well I thought a lot of adults and older children would enjoy it for several reasons.

    1) Most people don't know that cheetahs chirp when calling for their cubs or are excited or that male lions patrol their territory until they are 7 or older and this mentions both of them.

    2) There are several videos about a lioness and leopard friendship(In particular the one where the female leopard comes at the wrong time when the lioness is hunting and vice versa) and a lioness and tigress friendship(In particular the one where Savannah the lioness was raised by a tigress and when that tigress has her next litter Savannah roars when the cubs are vulnerable and somehow the tigress understands her roar and carries the cubs back to the den(Which you can find if you search for "lion communication" on youtube)) online and lots of people like those videos so I thought the same thing should be true for a lion and cheetah friendship.

    and

    3) The swahili names of Anapumua Moto(which translates to He Who Breathes Fire) and Duma(which translates to Cheetah) and the fact that lots of people learn new languages not only as babies but also when they are 7 or older.
    I don't think anyone is going to spend money on a book because of a sound a cheetah makes or that the names are in Swahili. As for videos online, those are free.

    If this were a picture book I'd read it to my nieces who are 4 & 3, but you're saying you think I'm going to read it for myself as it is? Not a chance. I'm not trying to be mean, but you've got to be realistic about your audience. This is not an adult book. Go look online or in the library for chapter books aimed at young elementary school kids, like 3rd grade on down. That's your audience.

  7. #7
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    But I intend all my books for All Ages not just young children. Plus, my family loves listening to it just as much as they love listening to a presentation that was done by me.

    And they sometimes tell me where I should edit it. My grandma is great at that but she has been getting sidetracked from it by all the other things on her to do list.

    Basically you are suggesting that the lions aren't so friendly to other big cats or that Duma or Bella should be in a life or death scenario like poachers but Anapumua Moto saves them. If it involves food though that's a problem because Anapumua Moto will be spotted too early by prey.
    Last edited by caters; 10-22-2015 at 05:05 AM.

  8. #8
    Rogue Mutt
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    Quote Originally Posted by caters View Post
    Basically you are suggesting that the lions aren't so friendly to other big cats or that Duma or Bella should be in a life or death scenario like poachers but Anapumua Moto saves them. If it involves food though that's a problem because Anapumua Moto will be spotted too early by prey.
    I'm not suggesting anything like that. I'm saying this book, as written, is not an adult book--your family not withstanding. If you want to actually sell the book, you need to know who you're selling it to. You can't tell an agent, "This book is for everyone!" or you'll surely get a rejection. You can do some research online about that.

  9. #9
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    Well since I intend it for all ages, yes you are basically suggesting that I have more words and more conflict and possibly go further back in time to Anapumua Moto being kicked out of his original pride for the first chapter.

    And I always start with a relatively short first draft when it comes to writing novels and then I lengthen it chapter by chapter and fix any noticeable errors that I didn't already fix when writing the first draft.

  10. #10
    Rogue Mutt
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    Quote Originally Posted by caters View Post
    Well since I intend it for all ages, yes you are basically suggesting that I have more words and more conflict and possibly go further back in time to Anapumua Moto being kicked out of his original pride for the first chapter.
    I am not "basically suggesting" anything of the sort. Your writing isn't even close to being acceptable for adult books. It's fine for little kids, so just go with that and stop with the silly "all ages" pipe dream.

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