This is the rest of the Chapter from my previous post.
Once again I thank you for your offer to critique. I am attempting my first novel and I am looking for some feedback. I am about 18,000 words into the novel, I know who the murderer is and I have the plot sketched out. It is a murder/mystery.
Dialogue – I haven’t written scenes with a lot of dialogue, does the dialogue flow, are you able to recognize who is speaking when I haven’t acknowledged the source, and have I got the punctuation right?
This chapter occurs 10,500 words into the story.
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‘’Can’t you see how upset she is? Edgar will look into it and then we will be in touch. Now you really have to leave and let my mother grieve, have some respect.’’
After he had shooed Sergeant Smith out of the way Benny took his mother’s hand and patted it reassuringly. Jackson nodded to his Sergeant and they both made their way to the front door. With his hand on the door handle Jackson turned and called out to Benny. ‘’What did you say Edgars’ last name was Benny?’’
‘’I didn’t, but its Bakerfield, if you must know.’’
The late afternoon traffic was beginning to build up along Rochester Way in Bexleyheath, when they left the Weston’s house, adding to Sergeant Smith’s frustration. ‘’Don’t know about you, Boss, but I’m exhausted! That was a bit full-on, and we didn’t learn anything new about the business side of things.’’
‘’Oh! I don’t know Dick, we’ve found out that Benny stands to gain a great deal by the death of his father and Randal Dawson. ‘Mumsy’ is only too happy to take a back seat as far as the business is concerned. I am sure that it won’t be long before Benny and Edgar have made themselves indispensable to mumsy, ending up with complete control of the family jewels,’’ said Jackson. ‘’The death of his father, could be a stroke of luck for Benny, either that or he had a hand in it! I’m willing to bet that the house, villa, Winnebago and the cars are just scratching the surface. I think Weston and Dawson were up to their necks in a number of unlawful activities. When we get back to work, I want you to arrange a team meeting for first thing tomorrow morning, I need to set some new priorities. I’d also like you to check arrivals and departures for Benny Weston and Edgar Bakerfield. Do it for the last six months, and see if Interpol has anything on Weston and Dawson, will you?’’
‘’OK, Boss, can I drop you somewhere?’’
‘’No, I’m coming back to work with you, I’ve got to pick up some notes and then head off to a meeting at the Compton, I’m standing in for the Chief tonight, lucky me.’’
Isabella du Lac © 2015