HomeWritersLiterary AgentsEditorsPublishersResourcesDiscussion
Forum Login | Join the discussion
+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 14
  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Posts
    7

    Need Help With Query

    Hello to everyone viewing this!

    I'm trying to put together a query. What I have is probably too long, and I'm sure it could use some help. I will post the sample below. Advice would be well appreciated.

    Dear Agent

    I am seeking representation for my novel, a completed 120,000 word Epic Fantasy.

    It is said Angels’ blood created the wizards. It is said the forbidden act of lovemaking between a wizard and a human started the Nasharin bloodline. The art of Transformation is the stronghold of a Nasharin’s power, and their passion for battle is equal to a vampire’s appetite for human blood. Feared by the Dark, accursed by the Light, Nasharins are considered the most dangerous creatures on earth. And yet…Nasharin warrior Darshun Luthais avoids even the killing of a pestering fly!

    PROPHECY OF THE GUARDIAN is the story of Darshun Luthais, an inexperienced martial artist of the Nasharin race.

    Book One tells of Darshun’s adjustment to life as the newly proclaimed Guardian of the Forbidden Realm. If the hardships of seeking four magical crystals before they fall into malevolent hands weren’t enough, he must also deal with the inner struggles of his heart. Forced by fate to choose between the roles of guardianship or prolong his romantic connection with the woman he loves. Despite warnings from his adoptive father and Nasharin master, Mirabel, Darshun leans toward his love life, ignoring the possible threats which might endanger the company of the quest.

    Darshun’s choice leads him to a solemn heartbreaking betrayal by that same woman, who turns out to be the Dark Queen Talvenya. Like Darshun and company, she too had sought the elemental crystals that, once manipulated, have the power to forever rid the world of all creatures belonging to the Light. With so much at stake Darshun begins to take his role as Guardian more solemnly. Seeking to retrieve the crystals, Darshun slips through the bowels of the Dark Queen’s castle. It is there that he encounters the true authority behind even the Dark Queen, an ancient evil long thought to have been deceased, the Demon Lord Abaddon. Sensing Abaddon’s god-like power, Darshun's thirst for battle—his Nasharin frenzy awakens. The crystals no longer matter; his loved ones become a distant thought. His only desire is challenging Abaddon to a fight to the death. That decision may haunt Darshun for the rest of his days...

    I liken this novel as a parallel to humanity’s journey in life, as it is filled with courage, loyalty, betrayal, romantic elements, seduction, action, suspense and the evolution of the soul. It is a timeless tale of Good versus Evil.

    It will appeal to high fantasy readers, dark fantasy enthusiasts, lovers of action-packed page-turners, as well as those who enjoy getting emotionally lost in the pages of a good story.

    PROPHECY OF THE GUARDIAN is the first novel out of a trilogy, and I have completed all three books.


    If you would like to see a synopsis, a couple of paragraphs or the entire manuscript I'd be happy to send it to you.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.



  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    1,142
    Hate to break it to you, JW, but the sad truth is that agents (and the publishers they work with) won't take on a self- or indy-published work unless it has achieved sales of several thousand copies, if not more. Here's a link to one agent's take on the subject.

  3. #3
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    That is definitely too long. Try to thunk of it like writing the back cover description for the book.

  4. #4
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Rogue Mutt View Post
    That is definitely too long. Try to thunk of it like writing the back cover description for the book.
    Ha ha, thunk. Curse my stubby fingers!

    It is a lot of words, most of which don't really say anything interesting. By that I mean it feels like 90% of this is just describing your fantasy world instead of describing the actual story. Try to get it down to just the important details: guy has to find crystals before evil god, but he's betrayed by the woman he loves.

  5. #5
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Posts
    7
    Thanks!

  6. #6
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Posts
    7
    Although this description doesn't mention anything about the woman, it reads more like the back of a book. I think... It's what I originally had but wanted to give more detail.

    "The Second Great War between the Light and the Dark has begun, and Abaddon the Demon Lord is searching for the four ancient Wizard Crystals of the Elements. Once the Crystals are in his hands, and corrupted to evil, he will destroy the forces of Light upon the earth, and transform the world into a thousand years of darkness.

    But Darshun Luthais, one of the last Nasharin warriors, along with a few companions, set out on a quest to find the Crystals first. Along the journey they encounter giant six-legged serpents, ruthless boar-like humanoids, and other entities of darkness; yet the most challenging obstacle is Darshun's constant struggle against temptations of evil, and his vow to hold to the faith of all who are calling him the Guardian—the prophesied warrior who will bring down the Demon Lord."

  7. #7
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by JWBaccaro View Post
    Although this description doesn't mention anything about the woman, it reads more like the back of a book. I think... It's what I originally had but wanted to give more detail.

    "The Second Great War between the Light and the Dark has begun, and Abaddon the Demon Lord is searching for the four ancient Wizard Crystals of the Elements. Once the Crystals are in his hands, and corrupted to evil, he will destroy the forces of Light upon the earth, and transform the world into a thousand years of darkness.

    But Darshun Luthais, one of the last Nasharin warriors, along with a few companions, set out on a quest to find the Crystals first. Along the journey they encounter giant six-legged serpents, ruthless boar-like humanoids, and other entities of darkness; yet the most challenging obstacle is Darshun's constant struggle against temptations of evil, and his vow to hold to the faith of all who are calling him the Guardian—the prophesied warrior who will bring down the Demon Lord."
    Your first paragraph is all about the bad guy. Unless the book is actually about him, you want to focus on the hero. And "transform the world into a thousand years of darkness" makes no sense. Plunge the world makes more sense. The stuff about the woman betraying him is more interesting than his vow and people calling him Guardian.

  8. #8
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Posts
    7
    Okay, thank you very much for the feed back!

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Elkins Park PA
    Posts
    343
    It is said Angels’ blood created the wizards. It is said the forbidden act of lovemaking between a wizard and a human started the Nasharin bloodline.
    To here it caught my interest.
    The art of Transformation is the stronghold of a Nasharin’s power,
    Here, you use a term, "Transformation," that the reader has no context for. Remember, only you know the world of your story at this point.
    and their passion for battle is equal to a vampire’s appetite for human blood
    . Words we have, but meaning eludes. What kind of battle? Army to army? Man to man? Does battle mean fighting for a cause? Again, only you have context.
    Feared by the Dark, accursed by the Light
    ,What's the Dark? What's the Light? Only you know.
    Nasharins are considered
    By whom?
    the most dangerous creatures on earth.
    You say creatures, but what does that mean to me?
    And yet…Nasharin warrior Darshun Luthais avoids even the killing of a pestering fly!
    He can't be a warrior, then, can he? And as a personal thing, the fly is a bit over the top. His choice not to fight fight is something we assume has a reason that will be revealed. Not killing flies makes him seem fanatical.

    Are you seeing a trend? The problem is that you, who have context, know precisely what you mean. But the reader has only what the words seem to mean to them. You're going for dramatic statements, but not including context.
    PROPHECY OF THE GUARDIAN is the story of Darshun Luthais, an inexperienced martial artist of the Nasharin race.
    This may be more of a personal view, but to me, the story is about a series of linked events in the life of the protagonist, not the person. And since volume one must stand on ts own merits, and contain all the elements of a complete story,it's all you promote in the blurb, so I'd talk about this story. Mention that it's part of a series is for the general and personal part of the query.

    We don't yet know what problem the protgonist faces, or why he's the one who must resolve it. But we should. Why him? Why now? What happens if he fails? Why can't he just walk away? That's what the story is about, not the events.
    Book One tells of Darshun’s adjustment to life as the newly proclaimed Guardian of the Forbidden Realm.
    As presented, it seems as if it's a chronicle of events, which is as exciting as any other report or history book. A story, usually, is about someone who wants and needs something so desperately that s/he finds everything else incidental. The job of the query's blurb is to communicate that, just as the voice-over for a film trailer gives it to the viewer. The goal of the blurb isn't to inform the reader on the elements of the story. That's for the synopsis. It's not to provide facts, but to stir emotions and make the reader want to turn to page one to see how the story reads. It is, as has already been noted, like the task of the back cover blurb, except that because it's being given to someone with a "behind the scenes" mentality, the presentation may include plot elements you might withhold from the back cover blurb—spoilers, in other words.

  10. #10
    Rogue Mutt
    Guest
    His last activity was Monday, so you might want to be quicker next time. haha

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts